Why are women expected to do the family seeing/ arrangements in relationships?!

[Dayatatime208]

I am getting annoyed. I'm in a long-term relationship, not married. I get all the messages not only from my own family but also my DP's family asking to stay over, etc.

My family would never message him to ask to stay. They'd message me. But somehow it feels it falls on the women in relationships to sort all family get togethers. We both work full-time, don't have kids. Why is it my job to sort his family arrangements, and is this the usual thing? They don't message him. It's starting to annoy me so now I just forward their messages to him, but I always feel obliged to sort/reply in the end...

...and yes, I have spoken to him about this, but he can't really stop them messaging me. He doesn't really understand it either.

MIL used to do this to me. I had to just start replying ‘I’ll get DP to get back to you’ over and over and she eventually got the message.

Just keep forwarding them to DP and do not reply.

Just forward the messages to dp every time.

I wouldn’t respond or get involved. It’s only your job if you decide to let it be your job.

thank you - good and useful responses. I feel really bad if I don't respond so I do - but i am starting to add 'forwarded this to...' to hint. Gah. I might just stop responding though I also don't want to sour relationships. It feels a bit tricky but I don't want it to become a thing!! Thanks all

No-one in dh's family has my number. We have been married a long time. If they did, I would forward any messages to dh to deal with.

I am very good at not doing what I don't want to do.

How do you stop it? Send a text back saying speak to your DP. Don’t enable this behaviour.

Ignore ignore ignore. Sexism in action

It's called "wife work"

Stop doing it. Ignore their messages.

I guess the first issue was giving them your number.
I didnt give inlaws my number for years. By the time years have passed, they know not to bother contacting me.
If it did happen, I would forward the message and not reply. Ever.

I used to reply speak to dh he'll be the best person to ask. They got the message eventually

I'd reply with something perfectly polite but not useful at all 'I don't know, have you spoken to DP?'. Rinse and repeat. You're not ignoring her, but she's not getting anything from you so she'll stop it.

@Awrite I need to take a leaf out of your book!!! I feel pressured to get involved in his family stuff and I don't want to. But I also end up feeling obliged. it causes issues in our relationship.

I've learnt in life that so many people don't get hints and you have to hit them with a polite sledgehammer.

Why forward it? Just type "Sounds great :)" or "Nice idea!" and sit back.

Forward to DP, reply telling them that’s what you’ve done. Forward any further messages. Act dumb if necessary “Oh, hasn’t DP got back to you yet? Maybe you should call him directly”. Be prepared to ignore any fallout. They’ll all get it eventually.

It isn't so I stated clearly on day one, you do yours I do mine and have kept the boundary. I don't do "wife work" much to my ex MiLs amd SIL shock and horror.

Now we are divorced and my partner wouldn't even consider it nor would his family.

Yeah, life is stressful enough without adding your dh's tasks to it. No guilt here.

Set up a group chat include the perpetrators, DP and yourself and then mute it.

Also women get the blame if everyone else in the family feel they haven’t been seen enough.
I put up with having to deal with it for many years even though the in-laws were horrible to me, but then I eventually started referring them to DH and told them to ask him instead. I was then accused of driving a wedge between them if he didn’t reply.

Send their messages to him. Don't engage.

Because - much like you - women are socialised to be compliant and just do things.

Stop doing this. Send everything to him or respond “I don’t you know, you’ll have to ask DH”.

@WTPIM This, totally!!! I feel under pressure to go to his nephews and nieces events. I am the one asked to go (not him) but they aren't my family. Then made to feel a bit guilty if I'm not being a good 'aunty' (when I didn't sign up to be that). My family would never do this to him. I have now told him he deals with his family, I deal with mine. Boundaries. It's hard and I feel mean but it's causing problems.

it's actually a complex matrix of things that go on that lead to this, but all basically step from the patriachy!

So, there are societal expectations for women to take on the social/caring responsibilities. This is then exacerbated because quite often, because men are NOT expected to do this, when they do, they do it very badly eg they invite you over for Sunday lunch and he agrees. But... he doesn't tell you so on the Sunday as you're getting ready to meet your girlfriends for brunch he anounces that you're supposed to be at his parents. Now yo're pissed because either you have to let your friends down, or you get guilted into going to his family and looking like the bad guy if you don't.

At which point, and this is crucial, it gets turned on you..."Oh, well you should handle all the social plans because I'm not good at it" (he might even say these words, but more likely it's a subtle decision making process). And of course, it's infuriating because even if, for example, you text his family to say you're sorry you can't make it because of prior arrangements and their darling son forgot to mention this to you, the response will be "haha, what is he like. It would be so much better if she just handles it - so I'll call her next time".

And so the pattern continues to repeat and somehow, not only are you doing it, but you're STILL getting into trouble. Because you will mention to him that his parents want you to come over for a birthday bash and he'll say something like, "oh, but I think Bill and I are playing golf that weekend. I'll talk to him/" And he doesn't. And you're left hanging and you can't reply to his parents.... who, of course, blame you.

or you'll agree to invite his parents over. But he doesn't realyl want them over. So you're running around like a headless chicken cooking and cleaning and when they come in, they're judging YOU because the house isn't spotless ... and feeling sorry for him.

It's totaly shit.

Start as you mean to go on - you're goign to find yourself in shit anyway so just say "Please contact Dp about plans. Hope to see you soon" and leave it at that.