Why are women expected to do the family seeing/ arrangements in relationships?!

[Dayatatime208]

I am getting annoyed. I'm in a long-term relationship, not married. I get all the messages not only from my own family but also my DP's family asking to stay over, etc.

My family would never message him to ask to stay. They'd message me. But somehow it feels it falls on the women in relationships to sort all family get togethers. We both work full-time, don't have kids. Why is it my job to sort his family arrangements, and is this the usual thing? They don't message him. It's starting to annoy me so now I just forward their messages to him, but I always feel obliged to sort/reply in the end...

My MIL was a lovely woman, I loved her and still miss her now she's gone. But it took me ages to train her out of funnelling this sort of stuff via me. In the end I stopped replying to those sort of messages, forwarded them to her son, and made no further comment.

@SummerAndSunPlease I hear you, but there are 11 of them. So it's a lot to suddenly be an aunt to 11 more people...and I've already got 4. It just feels a lot of pressure, that's all, and we've been together four years so not a lifetime. In time I am sure that'll change but right now I can't cope with it all.

I never started doing this, my husband organises his family and I organise seeing mine. Stop now while you can

My first husband would invite his family over then bugger off out and leave me cooking or cleaning, and then making small talk when they arrived. I put a stop to that quite quickly. I used to encourage him to phone them or see them, but they rarely got in touch either. It was a relief all round when I stopped trying, because they were very much in favour of his brother and his family, and didn't really like us at all. Now I know there was a golden child and a scapegoat, but I didn't know about those then. Since we divorced, I don't think he's in touch with any of them. Their loss. He's not that bad despite being an ex

Op, in life you will find that if you never step back, then others won't step up.
Make a decision on the things in life you can afford to step back from.

I don't work full time or sort out family finances and I don't have any intention of doing so until the dynamics in my family are such that it is right for me to start.

My husband wouldn't do all the things I feel are important in raising a family. Not because he isn't a lovely person, but just because we have been raised in different ways and both have very different skill sets.

If it weren't for me then he'd hardly see his family and our children wouldn't have had a relationship with their grandparents. He completely acknowledges this. I contribute this time and energy, because I believe it is worthwhile and also because I don't find dealing with people particularly difficult.

The problem lies when you are doing everything. Stop doing half of everything plus this on top, or continue to do this and cut back on something else that you find less important but he doesn't, and let him get on with that instead.

It's not anti feminist to stop doing certain things, or continue doing others just because they don't align with what is considered right for a modern woman.
I'm not going to spend a minute of my time thinking about the maintenance of any technical or mechanical equipment in our home, because not only would my husband quite enjoy sorting it, I'd much rather put my time to other things.
And it would be perfectly fine if the sexes were reversed.

Forward them on to him.
Why on earth are you talking on "wife work" when you aren't married?

I am married years and I don't do wife work.

Why on earth would you entertain this.
Forward them on.
If asked about it, state clearly I have enough to do for MY family.

Yup. that IS actually one good thing about Dh's family - they might slip into this expectation that I'm in charge, but then they really do act like that and don't pick and choose where they're going to be old fashioned. I've heard MIL tell DH he can't do something unless he asks me first in case it doesn't work for me, and there isn't a single person in DH's family who isn't fully aware that I'm the one taking the lead on entertaining!

I stepped back massively from the individual stuff though - he sorts presents, he sorts out his own 1-2-1 time with them, he is asked for babysitting and if he can't do it, then HE asks me etc etc. So we mostly have a balance that works for us. Certainly, no one expects me to handle their admin.

Definitely isn’t the case in our relationship. Dh’s family goes through Dh. They probably know well enough that I’m unlikely to respond in a timely manner. 😂 I’m not a responder to messages. Someone has to die before I check the family group chat.

I also don’t do presents for dh’s family. Or cards. Or remember birthdays. Or send thank yous. His family, his job.

A slightly different take on it, in some families the women are kind of the boss, and have the last say in arrangements. I know that's certainly the case on my side of the family!

This is often the case with men.
They are lazy about seeing family so parents and siblings will try to bring them closer via a partner.
But you really don't have to be involved.
You also don't have children, so if you have zero wish to be involved in christenings etc., then be busy.
We have zero interest in these rituals so avoided them.

You are also likely to be peri menopausal, which is when a lot of life's irritants get brutally dealt with.

Lean into it, you will find you shed a lot of stress if you do.

@Dayoldbag ’when life’s irritants get brutally dealt with’ 👌sooo true. I am perimenopausal. Shed a few friends in the last year. I’ve defo changed. Just can’t be doing with other people’s demands of what I ‘should’ be doing to please them. Good advice, thanks

@mindutopia ’someone has to die before I check the family group chat’ 🤣🤣

Be prepared for the first few times he forgets birthdays, events etc and they look to you for why this has happened.
My ex MIL phoned me up to tell me I had forgotten his sisters birthday, she was quickly corrected. it took them a few years to grasp it.

What was annoying though was when they assumed I was responsible I was the worst in the world for forgetting. When they realised it was his responsibility and he never bothered, he got "Oh men are just like that, you can't expect them to remember " or "what's he like! 'adoring grin' "
Now that really pissed me off and just made me more resolved not to do his social admin.

I get on with my ILs but right from the start I said straight out I’ll pass you over to DH to discuss that
I think it was the way back in the day when maybe more wives didn’t work ,but it’s not the way now,not in my house anyway

I am tempted to just say to his family ' I deal with my family arrangements, he deals with his' and that's how we do things.

Great response, send this if they persist

THIS !!
seriously nip it in the bud or soon you will also be responsible for buying all of the gifts, organising every gathering ....

So true! The patriarchy is held up by a lot of 'little women' who still see it as their job to facilitate men's lives and tut and judge women who don't. I'll never forget my DM criticising SIL because DF had been over to do some DIY for DB. SIL wasn't even there most of the day, because she was at work, but DM still thought that SIL should've 'cooked him a dinner' when she got in. I asked why DB didn't do so (DB can and does cook), to which she muttered 'I just think it's awful'. She thinks I'm a lazy slattern. I care not!

@Dayatatime208 Ok yeah, that is a lot. I was thinking it was more like 2 or 3. How much are they actually expecting you to be involved? Being there on birthdays, Christenings and other family gathering-type occasions should be plenty. If they're expecting you to spend lots of one to one time with them and take them on days out etc then that's unreasonable given that there are 11 of them.

In-laws have my number (I think it would be a bit odd if they didn't) but plans with them are sorted by DH

But you can just ignore the messages or send them in to your partner without comment.

I wouldn't forward the messages. Send one back to the next request saying please message Dave, and then ignore everything else. That's what I had to do, they eventually got the message.

The only thing I've found with making sure that DH is the one to liaise with his family is that he is now prone to arranging things with them without mentioning it to me first. Which quite often means that there's a date clash with something we are already doing, but which he has forgotten about. We then have to cancel with them or he has to go on his own, and they think I'm trying to avoid them.

According to my MIL, it is up to me to keep in touch with DH sisters .........