Why are women expected to do the family seeing/ arrangements in relationships?!

[Dayatatime208]

I am getting annoyed. I'm in a long-term relationship, not married. I get all the messages not only from my own family but also my DP's family asking to stay over, etc.

My family would never message him to ask to stay. They'd message me. But somehow it feels it falls on the women in relationships to sort all family get togethers. We both work full-time, don't have kids. Why is it my job to sort his family arrangements, and is this the usual thing? They don't message him. It's starting to annoy me so now I just forward their messages to him, but I always feel obliged to sort/reply in the end...

@AmandaHoldensLips ha ha, not my monkeys is quite right!

I've noticed as I age I increasingly get annoyed about this stuff. Then it's sort of my fault as I am polite then fester about it - I'm trying to find the balance between being polite and saying no.

Covid can do a lot of heavy lifting even now.

But really as a pp says, you just have to not care. You should just be able to say no, I dont want to go to that event. Genuinely no one will notice your not there after first asking about you. You dont live rent free in their heads. No ones going to say or think, this event is just so shit without day.
And if they are rude enough to say anything more than I'm sorry you couldn't come, you don't want them in your life.

Woman up, gird your ovaries, just say no that doesnt work for me. And nothing else. Repeat it if necessary.

I swear it gets much easier the more times you say it.

I stopped responding. I sent the messages on to DH and then when the family member sent me another chasing message I responded that DH would be in touch. I do not make the arrangements at all - if DH doesn't make them then they don't get made.

I also don't buy or sends cards or presents to DH's family, as he doesn't to mine.

@Dayatatime208 Well done. It will get easier, I promise.

I remember when I first started seeing my partner 15 years ago, we were at his parents house and his mother was doing Christmas cards...he was joking about how she sends them to everyone, and then said something like 'I suppose you'll start doing them from us now'...and I replied 'Why? Have your fucking hands fallen off?'

I never had the mobile number of either of my ex PILs. If there was an emergency they could contact their son directly, no need to go through me. Same for organising any social stuff etc.

The great thing about going into my 40s and 50s is that I stopped giving a shit about what in-laws thought. Very freeing!

@FreeRider I have a friend who sends cards to my family, listing my dh first, then me, then kids. From - her dh's name, her, their kids. She's my age.

I guess it's important to her. My Mum (now in her 70's) brought me up differently.

My uni age DD has boundaries and has been teaching her new pals.

Just don’t do it. Forward the message to your OH. If you want to be nice say “hi x I’ve forwarded this to my OH.”

Then just leave him to it. Stop being a martyr!

I just tell them don't know ask husband.

'I don't fancy that one, have a great time DP.'

I got out of doing cards as I'm not British and we don't do cards where I'm from. Lovely excuse.

Been with OH for 14 years. I used to all the family things for both sides but now I just do my own and leave him to it. He has no idea when his family members' birthdays or anniversaries are. so if they don't get a card or present it's up to him.

@RaraRachael That sounds like a wise plan, but do they get shitty with you?! Or mention anything? I am going to start doing this and stop feeling obliged to remember everything and take stuff on. It's so ingrained and I hate it.

@Dayatatime208 none of them have ever mentioned anything to me. I just said to him once that they were his family and I'd enough to do with seeing 2 kids through uni and working full time without sorting out his family stuff.

We are sending fewer cards by post, due to the cost, but does this mean women are still expected to organise the digital ones?

If you look at etiquette books (old ones, anyway) you'll see that social invitations were addressed to the lady of the house. The envelope would have her name alone on because she was 'social secretary' and her husband was far too busy with Proper Things to worry about such fripperies as social engagements. This just seems to have continued on to the present day, despite the burden on women increasing dramatically over the years.

I also had an XH who did no social organising. I remember him once saying to me 'I've signed all your Christmas cards for you'. He meant he'd written his name in the Christmas cards I'd provided, but somehow he thought he was doing it for me.

On the positive side, it's thought that women living longer and happier than men is party because we've spent time building up social networks that help sustain us.

Yeah it's annoying. I've been married 15 years and since we got engaged all communication has been to me. This year has been incredibly tough for me with bereavements and some ill health- in January I was dealing with grieving & funerals etc and still getting messages and "updates" about an in-law's health, I realised I was just done - forwarded everything to DH without replying and let him deal. I have left all arrangements with his family up to him since, it's not that I don't like them or don't care I've just had enough of everything falling to me. DH doesn't even mind, he never had a problem with making arrangements and would actually prefer his family to contact him not me - they all just seem to think it's a woman's job!

@cloudy477654 Well done, and I totally get you. I've got lots on with my family as my dad's really ill, etc. Pressures from all sides. I realised I'm done too and I am tempted to just say to his family ' I deal with my family arrangements, he deals with his' and that's how we do things. Just to be clear. I hate the whole 'woman's job' thing and I've been told since being with me I've brought him closer to his family - but it's NOT my job to do that and I don't want it to be so. It also makes me feel pressured.

My strategy is just never start doing these things!

Dont start doing his washing. Don’t start doing all the cooking and meal planning. Don’t start doing the Christmas cards and shopping. Don’t start organising every event with his family.

It is not 1955. You’re not a servant.

Stop trying to be the “cool girl” who is both a domestic goddess and also has a full time job. You can’t be Nigella Lawson at home and Erin Brocovich at work at the same time. It’s not how life works!

This is what irritates me so much. A lot of these old social conventions that are still half floating around .... they've kept the bit where it's the woman's problem and responsibility but ditched the bit where actually, she is properly in control.

So for example, in your example, it seems to me that the correct approach is therefore that the woman decides. She agrees what will be done, by who, when and where. And the man would go along with that - she is in charge. She's also the one thanked for the effort because everyone knows it was her. In laws prioritise keeping HER happy because she is the way they get access to their son/grandchildren.

But nowdays, she's still responsible for everythin but a lovely evening is had? He gets thanked. People thinkt hey can treat her like a skivvy and if she pushes back, he gets involved and insists she still sees them etc.

I'm not sure I'm explaining this well at all but it just drives me mad.

Like men who want their wives to work and contribute financially ("Women's lib, innit?"), but still seem to think they don't have to do the domestic chores.

I accidentally fell into this trap with my ex husband. But one day his grandad accidentally let slip some of the bitching that was going on about me within his family. I went from trying really hard to have a good relationship with them to not giving a toss literally overnight. I remained fond of grandad actually, and used to invite him to tea which pissed my MIL off no end (apparently) It was easy because they actually weren't very nice, but coming from a normal family I sort of assumed they would be normal too and I just had to try to fit in.

Not caring is so powerful, I discovered, and like a pp upthread, I just quietly don't do things I don't want to do now. Or if the things I don't want to do are necessary, I do them with good grace.

@IdLikeToBeAFraser YES! My DP gets thanked after they visit. I don;t. Even though I organised it and kept them entertained. I'm just not doing it anymore. If I do the resentment will grow and it could split us up.

PS the current husband is well aware that his family is his responsibility. We help each other out sometimes but it's always clear that there is no expectation. It's the expectation that's the killer I think

I'm just not doing it any more

Go you!!!

The weird thing is though they are all women....so you'd think they would think like me that it's not my job, it's just as much his. But the patriarchy is as ingrained in women as it is in men.

I agree you shouldn't be doing all the communicating and organising, your DH should be doing that, so I second everyone else's suggestions about re-directing queries to him.
But, it's a bit sad that you don't want to be an auntie to your partner's nieces and nephews.
I'd be upset if my DH's sibling's partner had this attitude, I consider her family and luckily she feels the same.
People complain all the time about the lack of a "village" but you can't have a village without making an effort with people.