Why are women expected to do the family seeing/ arrangements in relationships?!

[Dayatatime208]

I am getting annoyed. I'm in a long-term relationship, not married. I get all the messages not only from my own family but also my DP's family asking to stay over, etc.

My family would never message him to ask to stay. They'd message me. But somehow it feels it falls on the women in relationships to sort all family get togethers. We both work full-time, don't have kids. Why is it my job to sort his family arrangements, and is this the usual thing? They don't message him. It's starting to annoy me so now I just forward their messages to him, but I always feel obliged to sort/reply in the end...

It's a historic/traditional thing where running the house, children, social calendar was the woman's actual job.

As with all the other aspects, we've somehow manged to take on much of men's former contribution without off loading any of the traditional women's responsibilities.

Just say to them .oh maybe you should ask "him" then nothing else If you feel the need to get involved but definitely keep forwarding the messages, you can do it without being dismissive.

It's nice to be included in the family though there is so many negative threads about the inlaws yours seem to like you but don't let them think you are the default while they are still acting like "their boy" doesn't need .bothered by anything.

To be fair, I started seeing DH pre-smart phone so it was pretty easy to dodge this. As a result, he has a poor relationship with his family - meh, not my problem. Apart from his grown-up niece who I actually like and see, and therefore he sees them too...

Anyway, the key thing is to not give them any indication that you're acting on the message, so don't even forward. A smiley face and 'can you check in with DP, I'm flat out at work/sick/picking my feet...' and then do NOT allow DP to act on the message until they send it to him.

This is happening to you because of the choices you are making. Just reply to every one - ‘Can you check with Bob? 👍’

“DH has the diary, you should check with him.”

Have that on repeat and they eventually learn to go to him because bothering you with it doesn’t work.

If you feel pressured into being nicer about it, “That sounds lovely! I’m not sure what we’re doing that weekend. DH has the diary…” etc Cushion it with whatever fluffy stuff helps you feel better.

But over and over, “DH has the diary, you should check with him.”

I've noticed 1 of my Dds does a lot of the inlaws communicating and I'm trying to be subtle about it but telling her that it isn't her responsibility to organise things. It's frustrating.

Because females are socialised from a young age to be the family facilitators.

Just push back OP. If my ILs ever contact me about stuff I say 'Ask DH' and so they do. If you don't do it, they won't ask. If you repeatedly are more responsive and do the organising, of course they're going to contact you. You have to have firm boundaries and enforce them (in all areas of life, but that's another point entirely!)

Why do you feel you need to be subtle about it rather than say 'Dont be a mug DD. I didn't bring you up to be a domestic slave for a useless man and his sexist family.'

Thing is I don't do it although I will if Dh asks but I'd never organise visits or whatever that's up to Dh and his family.

@cheezncrackers yes to boundaries! Am working on these - they are hard though....any tips v v welcome. I'm even reading books about them. I just don't want to do what I don't want to do anymore. I'm fed up of it and I'm 45 and life is short.

Well I do say that tbf but I'm trying not to make too much of a fuss about it and drip it in. I think the boyfriend and his mum are in that "boy mum" thing.

Dd likes his mum I just think Dd needs to find a balance.

It is your choice to feel obliged? This idea that women don't have the brains they were born with and just go along with whatever is getting ridiculous

Just say no, you can do it if you choose too going all 'but I am a little woman with it all just happening while I do nothing' is old

Yeah this isn't a reason not to be clear with your daughter?

You are right it isn't a reason. The other Dd isn't like this she would never get involved in arranging things with her inlaws without involving her Dh.

Sorry op I'm not meaning to dominate your thread

You have to not really care if everyone 'likes' you all the time. If you really want to be liked and that's more important than putting your needs/wants first, then you'll constantly feel put upon and resentful. But no one is going to stand up for you if you don't stand up for yourself, so either you do it, or you condemn yourself to a lifetime of feeling fed up and taken for granted! As females, we're conditioned to do this, so to start with you need to take a deep breath and just say 'No'. It's hard the first time you do it, but it gets easier, as does your life when the cheeky fuckers in it learn that you aren't a pushover and so don't keep asking you to put yourself out for them.

Tips on saying no to family things you don't want to go to of DP's also v welcome here. I feel I'm from such a patriarchal family and in midlife trying to impose boundaries is a bit hard but I am working on it.

@cheezncrackers thank you, useful, and working on not wanting/needing to be liked....when it comes to DP's family I feel I 'have' to be liked by them hence prob being too quick to respond etc. I feel it'd cause probs if they don't like me - but I also don't really want to be involved in his family stuff. Got my own to deal with.

Don't make it easier for them to contact you.

My son is awful at responding to messages or keeping people in the loop (ADHD).
If I contacted his wife she would respond straight away and organise stuff. It would be easier.
I have to make a conscious effort not to do it, because it's not her responsibility and I don't want that dynamic to become the default after experiencing it in my own marriage.
Defer it to DP everytime until you have trained them into realising you are not the easier option

I've never got involved in this. They don't have my number or email address so it goes through my husband. I guess your husband likes the status quo otherwise he'd start to initiate contact/planning for himself.

This! I have been married for decades. I never let this be my job, I keep in touch with my blood relatives and it's up to DH to sort out his side which he hardly ever does.-

@Dayatatime208 Tips for not attending things:

I say to dh - 'you and the kids go and have a great time'. Or, 'you go dh, I need to x/y/z'.

I do go sometimes. I'm always happy for mil to pop in and see us. I'm not an ogre but I tend to only do things I want to do. I am a similar age to you.

None of my DH's family have my number. They have no reason to. I have never sent a card, or a gift, or made any "arrangements" with them.

I get on fine with all of them! But it's very much a case of not my monkeys, not my circus.

In light of your messages I have replied, but added 'can you sort this with DP in the future?'

It felt a bit uncomfortable, but also not 'bad'