Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

Catching up on a week's worth of posts and sending you all 🫂 and best wishes dealing with partners/kids/parents/in-laws

No shame @BustyLaRoux, we've all got slightly different challenges and there're no easy answers or quick fixes unfortunately.

Hope everyone finds some strength to cope with whatever the weekend has in store

As @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy says.... Nobody is judging you @BustyLaRoux, just rooting for you💐

I'm on the edge here. I feel like one more fucking word from that man and I am going to explode. He can't help but have the last word and even when I'm becoming upset walking away saying please can you stop and we'll come back to this later (because it may well be he's making valid points I'm just not regulated enough in that moment to hear him) t's like he goads and goads, talking to himself/the children is if they were me just continuing to get his point across. I can be in tears pleading with him to stop and he doesn't, can't? I don't even know.

How do you regulate if they won't let you? He sees it as losing if I walk away without admitting I'm wrong. He's so black and white. It's win or lose here. But his wins come at the expense of any desire to be with him.

Why on earth do you want to remain with him? He sounds bloody awful!

Absolutely maddening! Lastworditus! DP also “suffers” from this. Even more maddening he tells me I always have to have the last word!! 😫 Part of his delusional fantasy world I think. But like your DP seems utterly unable to stop himself. If I walk away I’m told it’s because I can’t handle the truth. Errrr no. It’s because I don’t want to be shouted at and gone on at and lectured. Like you say, even if there was a valid point in there, I wouldn’t be able to hear it.

Is there the possibility of speaking to him when you’re both regulated? Perhaps by giving him some “win” by saying you think he probably has very valid points to make some of the time and you’d like to talk them through calmly (“you’re so clever and insightful and RIGHT!!!!”) but when he tries to get them across is this particular way it means you cannot properly receive them (ie your fault and not his) and his voice is being lost because of it. And could he maybe try xxx instead of the last word which is so infuriating to you that it makes you want to scream.

I dunno. This is probably the tactic I would use with my partner. I’d play to his inflated sense of self and need to be right and be very careful it didn’t come across as criticism.

I do try to have a similar conversation with DP but it’s usually in the heat of the moment. I’ll ask him to stop raising his voice to me and he (shouting, obvs!) will shout “LISTEN TO THE MESSAGE!!! It’s the WHAT not the HOW!!!!” And think that’s probably where things are getting contentious. Because to me the HOW (the way it is delivered) is everything. The WHAT, if you will, is of less importance. I think maybe this is ASD at its finest. DP completely focused on the content of what he is trying to communicate and placing no importance on its delivery. And becoming angry that I cannot overlook his delivery (shouting, lecturing, last word, etc) and not simply listen to what he is saying. Sounds like your DH is similar?? Just wants to get his point across, oblivious or placing zero value on how he is delivering it to you and not having the empathy to see how upsetting it is.

As I say to my children, it’s more important to be kind than it is to be right. I think this may be lost on many individuals with ASD though. As DP and my dad both really really struggle to see this!

Does anyone have an ASD partner with an ASD child and they are unable to adapt or change the way the deal with the child? He simply won’t/can’t understand that a lot of her behaviour is down to the ASD and not something she does intentionally. He won’t read up or adapt his speech, it’s his way and that’s that so the child is in fight mode constantly. He is quite authoritarian in the way he talks and her PDA can’t handle it, tbh neither can I.

Any advice?

I’m in a similar situation @Rainbow03.

Can you ask your dh to find a solution?

ATM I’m realising the impact husband’s PDA has on me and how to manage it going forward.
I’ve previously tried to solve all problems myself and have worked very hard at it - it’s all become a bit too much.

If I could separate my own feelings and use use better language things might be easier but that just feels like another big piece of unsupported work for which I have limited energy RN. I’m not a therapist!!
Also sick of having so many challenges and talking about them and myself . I do sweep things under the carpet and just get on with things and try to enjoy every day but issues keep popping up.

.

@ShipaSailing Ive said to him numerous times do you think your method is working? Do you think when she is triggered adding fuel is working! Do you think you could read up a little and see if maybe another way might work better? I’ve explained she is only 8 and doesn’t have the intelligence or the ability to not say what comes into her head yet. I’ve explained that if she comes back as having ASD then it is a “disability” so you need to adapt to her. None of it works because he will always come back with well get her to talk to me better and I might change then…..really mature! He won’t give a millimetre on his thoughts.

I think it comes to this notion that being “right” is more important than being kind. And that lacking in empathy and black and white (right vs wrong) thinking mean that it can be impossible for some individuals with ASD to see past pushing their “correct” point on everyone. Doesn’t matter if it is ineffective, doesn’t matter if it is upsetting, doesn’t matter if other people don’t agree their view is right, doesn’t matter if their delivery is so awful that their point is lost, doesn’t matter if there are other points of view to take into consideration. It is right to them, and that is all that matters.

I have been able to get DP to see at times he isn’t right actually, or that even if he is right his delivery (shouting at people) means all he has done is upset people and therefore his “rightness” has come at a price. And the price is his children being scared of him and him ruining a perfectly nice evening, etc. He can sometimes see that what he’s doing isn’t working. And to be fair he is a lot better than he used to be and has altered his behaviour. Not enough. He still is bad tempered and shouty. And no one cares if he is right! And in fact usually he isn’t right anyway!! But believe it or not he is a lot better than he used to be. But my dad would never be able to alter his behaviour. He is awful to people in the name of being “right”. Relatives now not wanting to visit as he is so rude to them. Friends who no longer speak to him. He doesn’t care though as he was in the right and that’s all that matters. @Rainbow03 sounds like your partner is similar insofar as he won’t adapt because he is right and therefore it is your DD who needs to adapt. I don’t have the answer I’m afraid. It’s infuriating that people can be so inflexible and un-attuned to the feelings of others. It doesn’t make good parent or partner material. I often wonder why my dad had children…..

@BustyLaRoux that’s the thing he is right (in his own head) she is wrong to shout at me and tell me to shut up, he is right that’s not acceptable behaviour. But she is in fight flight mode and right makes zero difference to her. I’m learning to try and pick my battles and he absolutely won’t accept this plan. It’s just causing war and she dislikes him more and more each day. His mum is the same, will make absolutely no adaptations for people who she deems don’t need them. She actually had a family member with Down’s syndrome and she won’t adapt her behaviour for even him because he is “intentionally manipulating” her and wanting some attention and she point blank won’t give it. Right means absolutely nothing emotionally wise and needy wise, it’s a completely personal thing. We need and we feel what we do based on hundreds of experiences, his opinion on whether it’s acceptable is not important at all!!! Argghhhhhh

Hello all, I’ve been a lurker but now want to share, hope I’m not derailing anyone else…I married my husband (2nd) in my 50’s.
It pretty quickly became obvious that he is ND but it seemed reasonably mild and manageable- until 5 years in and I was updating our 2 address books and merging them into 1.
To cut a long story short, one of his female friends (I’ve no problem with that in itself) turned out to be his ex mistress from his first marriage. Although he’d stayed with his wife for 25 years after his affair, he’d kept in touch (it became an emotional affair I think). He told me that he had to stay in touch with her because she was the love of his life.
Poor ex wife I thought! I also said ‘ but where does that leave me?’ ‘ Oh, you’re up there’ he said. I think his ex wife knew because she finally had left him for someone else. So I became in my mind, second best.
I decided to stay because I think he genuinely didn’t understand how damaging the situation was to our marriage. He agreed to keep contact to a minimum, annual phone call around Christmas, no actual meeting up etc.
Until I had a couple of holidays away with my female best friend.
Turns out he’d been phoning her while I was away and actually asked me, while I was away, how I felt about him planning to meet up with her. I made it clear I wasn’t happy at all and he didn’t because the lockdown happened.
One year into the lockdown I was clearing his phone of junk emails etc (he liked me to do this as he’s not good with tech) and I found a recent lengthy message from her, ‘Just thinking of you etc etc . He’d replied and suggested ‘ let’s meet up’. I of course hit the roof. And finally gave the ultimatum- her or me.
It took another year before he seemed to understand that it was one or the other. I cut him some slack because of his condition and because he seemed genuinely upset that I was upset. He was unable to discuss the situation, he literally didn’t really understand what to say. In the end she sent a text with 😘❤️ and he blocked her.
We’re still together as now we’re in our 70.s and life is generally pretty good but secretly I wish I’d never met him.

@Londonismyjam 🫂🫂

The damage and hurt caused by that sort of attitude runs so deep.

We all seem to have this feeling deep down that we’d never met them (despite them having good qualities).It’s sad. I feel in my own situation I have to sacrifice too much now. I’m now having to sacrifice my things to make space for all his stuff and he doesn’t give a rats arse. He wants to keep some rubbish huge piece of pine furniture because “it was my nans” that we need to space for as a family. He won’t get rid despite me selling all my ercol furniture I had from when my grandparents left to make space for us a growing family. I have nothing left of my stuff. I really want to put my foot down now but he will loose it because HE NEEDS IT ALL! But I’m at a point where I’m fed up of being the one who caters for his hoarding problem and his ASD problems.

@Rainbow03 My dh has the complete opposite of hoarding, don't know what the term would be.🤷‍♀️
He brought nothing with him into our relationship. No nik-naks, no photos of him and his 'life before', (he was in his 30's when we met, so I assume he had a past.) No bits of anything really. He seems to have no connection to anything, he doesn't seem to keep hold of memories either, which i weirdly just realised. He NEVER reminisces. He NEVER talks about the future. He lives purely in the present. He can't even think about upcoming birthdays, vacations etc.
I have been thinking back to relationships, one in particular. Remembering going to a lovely little cafe every Sunday, having a big breakfast and just putting the world to rights. Sitting there for hours, just talking, planning, dreaming. 😊
Dh and I have never done that, ever.😞
On a brighter note, he's off to work for 2 whole glorious weeks. 😁

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy
💐

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy I suppose you don’t have to deal with all the stuff and absolutely everything having some sentimental meaning even rubbish. But it seems to be on the other end of the scale. Sounds like my partners mum who got rid of her wedding dress the next day and the rings etc because none of it meant anything to her. Trouble is that includes people also, behave how she needs or she’ll get rid of you.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy I have exactly the same. For me, it’s turned from being lonely to empowering. I do everything on my own now and create my own plans and memories. I’ve meet fabulous people. I refuse to put everything on hold.

@Rainbow03 There is that I suppose. Its just fucking bizarre though. I just walked through the house, and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that would suggest dh lives here.
There are photos of him, that i have put out. Our family pics.
No photos of dh's side of the family though. I have ones of my family. He has no family photos to even put out. I have photos of me as a baby, teen, all through my life really. Dh doesn't have a single one. That is just weird.
None of his personality is visible, I chose everything in our home, not because im a domineering fire breathing dragon, dh has no opinion on anything. The book shelves are all mine and the kids books, I have never seen dh read a book or magazine in all the time we've been together. He doesn't listen to music. He doesn't watch TV.
@ANiceLittleHouseByTheSea I know this is what my future has to be too. I'm slowly waking up to the fact that I have to build the life I want in my golden years by myself.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy sounds exactly like the Mils house. There is nothing on the walls, not a single family picture,
non of the kids or grandkids their wedding…absolutely nothing, it’s soulless. like you I have pictures and stuff I like everywhere.

reading with interest and feeling seen.

DP doesn’t read books unless they are factual. I don’t think I’ve known him read fiction. Everything he owns seems to be extremely practical but not very nice (old furniture which is very ugly but he bought for a purpose and won’t part with it) or very impractical but beautiful to him (think lots of heavy antique cutlery that is too big for anyone but him to use and can’t go in the dishwasher). There doesn’t seem to be a balance of stuff which is useful and attractive. It has to be one or the other, but not both. It’s very strange.

Same here @BustyLaRoux
All extremely practical and we can’t get rid of anything unless it’s falling into bits.
it’s not helped by the fact PIL had very little money so his baseline is to make do, buy the cheapest stuff etc….
No fiction books either but books about his special interests (that wouldn’t dare buying because they are ever so so specific)

Mine only reads comics, it’s like being with a teenager emotionally and mentally. He’s actually getting on my nerves all the time lately because he’s so immature. He keeps bringing home free shit and doing this stupid little dance with a big smile on his face like a 12 year old. The house is full of shit, I’m constantly stressed with all the stuff yet there he is doing a jig over another piece of junk he’s brought back. How he can’t see he looks like and Idioit and causing stress I don’t know.