Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

@MetooOP this is so heartbreaking. To have it out there in writing that you are understood as just plain ‘wrong’ when your opinions or feelings or perceptions differ from DH’s. There is just this whole vast universe of nuance missing - and the joys of knowing another person in their complexity. All reduced to this flat binary of right/wrong, where to consider a different opinion or allow new information in must mean conceding defeat or ‘sucking it up’.

I'm sorry @MetooOP. Sometimes it's just so hard to look at these things in their fullness. It is so overwhelming. Just wanted to send a hug.

I'm sorry too @MetooOP x

Yes, although H does seem to have some level of empathy, he also displays some classic covert narcissistic traits. Tonight I was trying to alleviate his stress and anxiety over the break-up by carefully suggesting ideas that means he doesn't have to move out of 'his' house, then I got a 20 minute monologue about how utterly terrifying he finds all this and how all his snappy-ness and aggressive behaviours are all down to all the stress he has been under with the loss of his dad etc (which I do understand has been immensely difficult but does not excuse some of the behaviours). Yes he has the right to feel anxious and upset about my decision to separate, but he was again just making it all about him, how difficult a position I've put him in and how he was just catching his breath etc. He alluded to it being so stressful might have a heart attack and how he's not sleeping and feeling constantly in a state of panic. I might sound heartless but part of me just things, well what about me? What about the times he's triggered my PTSD with his shouting and scowling, leaving me utterly terrified of having married yet another abuser. So I can't quite muster the empathy to feel like it's all about him, yes I feel sorry for him but I can't stay at my own expense.

In the end I could not help but to say that it's maybe a bit terrifying for me too, as a full time career to DD with no income, no possibility to get a rental and nowhere to go. Yet, I can't keep going as ut were and in the end I had no choice.

Omg this is so classic. I had the I was so stressed my dad died, my back hurt, my job is stressful. Funny I lost my dad also and not once did I scream at him or do what I liked because I had an excuse. I went to him for love and a cuddle and comfort like most people. Not once has he considered your feelings in what you have wrote and it’s exhausting and an utter waste of time. I think one of the last things I raised my voice at at the end of the relationship was “but what about me”. I could have screamed it from the roof tops. Now I’ve an ASD child and partner and I do find myself internally screaming but what about me but I know it’s a waste of time! But I suppose the difference is I know the fault is not mine that they are unable to see my needs and not like before where I wondered what the hell was wrong with me for wanting needs.

This thread is so sad, I'm so sad you are all having relationships with men who treat you and more importantly your dc so badly. Please encourage counselling, support, diagnosis, awareness, gp talk, communication. If they refuse to engage at all, then like @BustyLaRoux may have to consider moving out, because damaging the dc is not acceptable for you to allow as the other parent.

I’m sorry to be letting you all down. I decided I couldn’t leave. I went to see a house. It was small but nice. The third bedroom wasn’t big enough for a bed though! And it wasn’t in a great area. But it would have been manageable if not for the third bedroom being so small. It was top of my affordability. Everything else is significantly more money and I don’t earn enough. Though I earn well above national average 😕
I spoke at length to the kids and they were trying to put on a brave face but neither wanted to move. They said they would move if it made me happy but I could see how sad it was making them. And I cannot do it to them. My childhood was so shit. My mum walked out on us. My dad kept threatening to kill himself. Kept telling us he was going to be made redundant and we had no money and wouldn’t be able to live. He would also decide without warning we would be moving hundreds of miles away - we never did but he kept saying a move was imminent. I was 15 and in the middle of my GCSEs and had all my friends. But he didn’t care about any of that. He loves drama and doom mongering which I now understand but I didn’t at the time and life felt so dramatic and unstable. I will not do that to my children as it was terrifying for me as a child and I could see it all in their frightened little faces.

I am OK. I am stronger than I know. I know what he is. Recently his new thing is to tell me I am delusional when his deluded version of events doesn’t match reality. When I say clearly “yes you absolutely said that” he says “no I didn’t! You’re living in an alternate reality. It’s very bizarre” etc etc. Obviously this is maddening as I know he is the deluded one. I often record him! As did his ex. And if other people are here they corroborate my version. But still all the other times he believes his version is correct and I am deluded! There is no point trying to correct a deluded madman so I have learnt to say nothing. Part of the irony of being deluded is that he fully believes everyone else is deluded!!! He genuinely believes he is right. I know what he is. My ex husband is being quite supportive. My work has been amazing. I am going to stay until finances are better. The kids will be stable. They like him well enough though they also see through him and think he is a strange man. Jolly and kind but fucking strange.

I am very sad to be disappointing you all as I know you were all rooting for me. It’s simply not my time yet. But I live to fight another day. And he won’t break me. I feel strangely calm and in control. I know what I must do. Thank you for your lovely kind wishes. Xx

@BustyLaRoux I'm glad you are still on the thread. Your time will come I hope.

@MetooOP your description is very like my DP! The absolute belief that he is right and I am wrong. All the time.

He lies. Though I don’t think he always realises he is lying so same as your DP, is it lying? Or is it delusion? I think for my DP a bit of both. If I ask if he has done something he will say he has. And then it will turn out that he hasn’t. But I realise he interprets the question differently. If I say “have you done x?” He hears “are you going to do x soon?” So he answers yes. So it is lying but then it also isn’t…..

He doesn’t see that normal people balance all the priorities of everyone in the situation. He just thinks of his own needs. He needs to work in the kitchen and we all need to be quiet. Doesn’t realise he is being totally unreasonable a lot of the time and gets very angry if I point this out.

Seems only to think of other people in terms of how they affect him. Not the other way around. Although I can sometimes get through to him and he can, with help, see me.

My dad on the other hand looks at me as if I’m speaking another language when I try and say something doesn’t work for me. Or that his ham isn’t more important than his family’s feelings (for those of you who remember “the ham”!!!). He just looks blank or shouts at me. Simply, he does not have the capacity to entertain that other people also have needs and that these also matter. Not a concept he can grasp in any way.

But DP doesn’t mean me any harm. He wants to make me happy and is happy for me when I am happy. Doesn’t feel threatened by my happiness or my independence. So he isn’t a narcissist in the true sense of the word. Though his behaviour is the same a lot of the time.

When I first met him I found him odd. Friendly. And we had a good rapport, but I did think he was an odd chap. Not the sort of person I would usually befriend. But then I have ADHD and have always felt a bit different and maybe I was drawn to someone who was so confident and different and who didn’t give a shit! My instinct was right though as he is actually a dangerous man. But I see him.

@MetooOP I hope you can find a way out if that is best for you. Being with someone like this is very sad a lot of the time. I completely understand everything you say xxxx

Thank you my darling ☺️ I was too ashamed to come back and give you my update!

You are right though. My time will come x

I am not disappointed in you @BustyLaRoux I totally get how hard and almost impossible it is not only to leave but to actually get housing etc. Like you I can't afford to get anywhere else to live so for now I am stuck with my ('ex') H in some form of house share. Until I can get something for me and DD we are partially still under his 'control' although I feel that by breaking up I have separated myself a bit at least.

They say it takes several attempts to leave so maybe the next one will be when it happens for you, in the meantime do whatever you can to detach and save and plan. Still rooting for you! x

@BustyLaRoux I'm going to repeat the two posts I made to you earlier in the thread. Forgive me but I mean them both sincerely. Post 1.

Post 2.

Good luck.

Please don't ever be ashamed. It's a process. My fear for you is if circumstances change to the point you CAN'T leave. Just don't wait too long.

I know. I know. Thank you @SquirrelSoShiny i hear you xxx

@SquirrelSoShiny you are right about the health implications of staying, I am only hoping I haven't left it too late. I look at my DM who has fibromyalgia and other health conditions and know I am likely to develop something like it one day but fingers crossed I can set up my own life before then.

I told myself earlier this year that I needed to break up with H before my 45th birthday, well that is next week and although I am technically still living with H, I've had the separation talk, he knows and I am standing firm.

No shame at all especially with the weight of all the past trauma and your children’s feelings on top. I did leave with child but they were too young to have any vocal bearing on my decision so it was easier. It probably would have been a different outcome if she could have spoken, but she wasn’t even 3.
@LittleSwede I left with M.E, it’s f**king hard but infinitely better, it’s never to late IMO.

@BustyLaRoux please don’t be ashamed.
the number of times I said I was going to but didn’t….

The issue here is that I’m now too ill to leave…. I simply can’t face the stress of leaving. Wo talking about being able to live on my own.

You are not your mother and not your father. You are there for your children and care for your children. Children move into smaller, but more peaceful, houses all the time and are not harmed. You can live independently.

@BustyLaRoux Let go of the shame. We all carry enough negative thoughts/feelings/energy.
I think when 'one of us' gets out we are just so behind them. It becomes a bit "Do it..... do it.....do it" chanting from the side lines. 😁
I can see us all banging our tin cups against the cell door as we cheer the escapee along.😆
It's such a massive decision Busty, YOU made that decision, and the sky didn't fall in.
We are all doing the best we can with the tools we have. Nobody is judging you Busty, just rooting for you💐

Oh my goodness . Thank you so
much for this! I felt so foolish and ashamed. Not because of anyone on here though I hasten to add. Because I knew leaving was the right thing to do and because of exactly what you say. We all get so behind each other when the time comes. Which is great and supportive and absolutely meant encouragingly. And it is encouraging!! But it is hard to turn around and come back a bit shame faced. Though the shame is all mine and not because of you lovely supportive people.

Just so as you know I won’t let myself be beaten. And I know my time will come. I feel strong. I just told him I was sick of him always assuming I am wrong. That his go to position is that I must be wrong, mistaken, I have misheard, I am deliberately misrepresenting him…..Always. And I am bloody sick of it! To give him credit, he said sorry and that he has noted my feelings. Quite an achievement. Or maybe not. We will see. If he says “well we will have to agree to disagree” one more time…… 😤

It isn’t the size of the house. They would be fine with that. It’s the upheaval. It’s the sadness at leaving their life. Again. Because of me. Because of my mistake. I owe them stability. And I need to give them that because of all the baggage I carry myself. I am sure I have screwed them up already. That Philip Larkin poem springs to mind….. but we are all doing our best. And I will do better for them. It’s not a small house which they fear. It’s the unknown and the drama. And I well understand that. And I won’t do it to them.

@BustyLaRoux I'm sorry for what you're going through. If this isn't helpful then please disregard it. But I read your post about your childhood with such sadness and wanted to say ironically by staying in this relationship you may end up giving your children a repeat of that instability rather than protecting them from it as you intend.

You are nothing like your father. The problem wasn't that your parents divorced. The problem was you were left with a man in sole charge who couldn't put your needs before his own. You were abandoned by both parents. Your divorce wouldn't do that. Your children would have YOU.

I think your experience of your parents' divorce might be influencing your ability to see what the realities are for you and what's the best interests of the children. I mean this with the greatest respect, but a desire to not replicate the past isn't your children's problem and your past sn't at all relevant to your current situation or their future if you divorce. These might be things to explore in your own therapy so that you're moving forward without these echoes, shadows and gouls leading the way.

@Flittingaboutagain says more clearly what I meant. Please consider it.

Is this a common ASD issue? Being unable to adapt to people and approaching all people exactly the same way. If it works then great and if it doesn’t and the other person doesn’t respond well it’s the other persons fault and they won’t adjust or adapt one bit?