Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

I agree @MySocksAreDotty. This thread, (over the years) has given me a framework to understand my relationship. This is another nugget…’negative override’. After 20 years of it, all my positivity and ‘jollying along’ is spent. Especially now the kids are teenagers. I am exhausted by it but determined to start a new chapter. I can’t dread every high day and holiday for the rest of my life.

Yes @MySocksAreDotty and @ANiceLittleHouseByTheSea this thread is useful for understanding our situation and partners.

I've been thinking about the assessment yesterday. It was hugely gratifying when the assessor phoned back as she clearly stated that she identified my H as the key issue. There was little of this ' balance, and both of you' bollocks. She said we needed to find a way to work together, but she was clear it was the ND that was causing problems.

But I also realised that H means the things he says. When he was talking about how he handles the mornings I realised that he really means it when he thinks his approach is the best. It made me realise that the defensive things he says when he has got something wrong, he really thinks make sense. They are so absurd that I guess I had always assumed he was making up stuff on the spot to avoid responsibility, but hearing him calmly and repeatedly state to the assessor why he does what he does, made me realise he really thinks what he says makes sense. Its really, really startling how differently he understands the world as he is blind to other people.

My ex-H was the same. He'd say things you honestly thought he didn't mean because they were so out there but he meant every single word.

People who haven't experienced it don't get it.

They really don't! That's why spaces like this are so valuable.

So, H has said he wants to get the support from the autism service as he wants me and the kids to be happy. I just asked him if he phoned the number today that we were given to arrange the service. No, he replies, I didn't have time. Today he did have time for, sitting for ages on the sofa drinking tea and pissing about on his phone, going for a run, spending the afternoon practicing his hobby in the garden. I, on other hand have done a full day's work plus done a bunch of the family life admin.

He has no job but he can still say without shame that he has not had time to make a phone call, that he very clearly has had time for. 'I haven't had time is his response to everything he hasn't done. Honestly, I should just leave him just so that I can be free of the torture of listening to him say ' I haven't had time.'

I felt optimistic this morning. Now I am just wondering why I bother.

My DH doesn’t shower or bathe for weeks on end because he doesn’t have time. He genuinely believes this is true. Yet he has endless time for all his hobbies.

I realised at some point that he takes it for granted that you do things you don’t 100% enjoy doing only when you’ve had your fill of all the fun stuff. He assumes everyone approaches life this way, which means I must really get a kick out of housework and admin I guess.

I said this recently to a patient: you know what you want to do by how much you will sacrifice to do it:money, time, energy, comfort. If you won’t sacrifice for something you don’t really want it—and you for sure won’t get it. Mr: I didn’t have time doesn’t want to do it.

I used to think ‘I didn’t have time’, was him lying because he was being held to account for not doing something that he had just forgotten to do as it wasn’t important to him/ presented a task difficulty/ discomfort to him. Now I’m thinking maybe he actually believes it. From your posts, looks like it’s another thing common to some people with ASD.

I spoke to him about it and he just went on and on explaining how he didn’t have time, and he had to carve out time for himself. Which said everything really.

I’m so upset though. This service was the last chance Saloon for us building a better family life for everyone. If this doesn’t work there really is nothing left to try. For it to work he really needs to actually engage. And he’s failed before he’s even walked through the last Saloon door. He’s not even engaged enough to make the call! On a day he wasn’t even busy. And he’s standing there over and over telling me how there was other stuff he needed to do instead. And now he’s angry with me for being upset with him because he genuinely can’t see he’s done anything wrong.

I can see how insanely frustrating and demoralising that would be for you 💐

My H has this also. We genuinely do experience time differently. I have a 'past' and 'future' and he's so much more in the moment.

I think there's something to with detail and prioritisation f opt us as well. I'm a daydreaming type who's constantly thinking about something else while doing little things like making coffee. H describes his experience of making coffee as a totally concentrated one, his focus is totally on this and he's deeply immersed in this and not thinking about anything else at all. This impacts his prioritisation since 'make coffee' is genuinely a to-do list item while to me this sounds surprising to give it any thought at all.

Of course H will also put those trying demand tasks at the bottom of the list as well. I do this too.

Calling must bring into sight all his inadequacies, do you think if you give him a bit more time he'll do it? Or he has to call soon or the offer would be withdrawn? Maybe he could email? Sending a hug.

I think the thing that blows my mind about this is that I do things I don’t want to do all the time, because otherwise life would become very difficult, and because other people depend on me to, and because I don’t want to get in trouble with the authorities.

I do my tax returns, I pay my bills, I sustain injuries in the course of giving my pets worming tablets. I sacrifice fun stuff to do these things, not because I want to do them, but because they just need doing. And my DH just can’t.

The other day I asked him if he would please pick his clothes up off the floor and bring the dirty dishes down from his room and he thought about it for a minute and said sure, he’d take the day off work and do it tomorrow. Like the only way he can do one onerous task was if he gets out of doing another. His own free time & hobby time is the only non-negotiable in our family life.

And his ability to mentalise is so compromised that he believes everyone else also operates this way. Doing all the boring thankless stuff for the whole family must be my special interest.

@MetooOP I’m so sorry. I think this is the frustrating thing - there is willingness in theory, but no actual engagement.

@MetooOP having gone down this parenting support route myself what stands out to me is that for any meaningful change to happen he will actually have to make time to read, reflect and practise the strategies and approaches suggested. This all takes huge emotional investment as well, because largely the inner emotional experience ( for my husband at least ) is just out of conscious awareness. So he has to work so hard to do any interoceptive work. If your husband doesn't make time to even make the phone call, that suggests he's not in the place to do the work following the call. Perhaps that's a conversation you could have?

Doing all the boring thankless stuff for the whole family must be my special interest.

I was gutted when my ND DC told me they thought I love cooking, ‘because I do it all the time’
Also this issues accounts for some of the weird and irrelevant birthday gifts I have been given by DH who is suspect is ND, over the years. Loads of household items that made me think he didn’t know me at all. It’s too much emotionally to look too closely at that thought.

I tell myself it could be worse - at least I get cooking implements for birthdays rather than, say, a new cat litter poop scoop, or a 12 pack of toilet duck. Maybe this is as close as it gets to romance.

@MetooOP Although my situation was/is slightly different in that my H doesn't have a diagnosis or access to support, I do get how frustrating and upsetting it is when they promise to engage, get help support but are then unable to do it or commit to it. In the past when I've suggested H gets some therapy to help with his regulation issues (obviously didn't put it like that or he'd get offended, defensive and demand avoidant) he always claimed he didn't have the time or energy to go 'find himself' as he suggested. He implied I was being indulgent and self obsessed by going ahead with my adult autism assessment. As if he didn't have time for such things. Now of course he is promising to do all these things if it helps me change my mind.

It's such a roller coaster to live with when you think you've finally reached the point of them seeking help/engaging with support, only for it not to happen and you feel so flat and sad. Hugs to you.

I think the period if being amicable might be coming to an end here and I considering my options and whether this house share is going to work. I had the idea that I would give it until the end of the year, giving me time to apply for UC and look into options. But he is now making me feel so bad for doing this and implying that I haven't considered the massive implications, financially, as well as impact on DD and her MH. He will of course not be able to see how living with his Jekyll and Hyde ways are probably not great for DDs MH, or mine! Beginning to consider talking to someone professional about what is best, I can't think straight and whilst H is here I am still living with the Fear, Guilt and Obligation (I think). I knew this wouldn't last long!

We'd been doing better I thought but just found out he lied to my fucking face about something (think repair work that needed done ASAP and he told me he booked our slot months ago only to admit he didn't). This is work that needs done to allow me to work.

I am so angry I had to walk away. I'm going to see a solicitor in the next couple of months. Fuck this.

I'm so sorry @SquirrelSoShiny that is infuriating. Must admit I struggle to book repairs and things like that due to demand avoidance BUT wouldn't lie to H about it, just admit to failure and feel the burn of the shame. How did he respond/act around the issue?

The usual so denial and attempted gaslighting. Demands for me to pay for it even though the work needs done FOR me to work. He spunked over a grand up the wall yesterday on stuff that was nice but not necessary. Now he's pleading poverty for something he claimed to have booked two months ago with a 3-4 month waiting list.

Having to stop myself from just walking out today, DD just physically pushed me over in rage over a clothes order (it's a tween thing, plus combined hormones and asd) and H making little comments all morning about his heart being broken, him having to live in a hole in the ground (what!?) and generally switching between passive aggressive and 'woe is me".

Apparently H told DD this morning that I may have to go and see to my DF in my home country (he had a stroke earlier in the summer) resulting in her worrying about me possibly leaving her with H whilst I go away (I have never spent a night away from her), OR her having to go with me (current fear of flying and leaving home so not ideal) OR maybe she realises her grandad is unwell, either of which scenarios will cause extra anxiety and probably was part of the her ending up pushing me.

Sigh! Calmed down now but I am struggling with H (who I have told I'm separating from so maybe STBXH?) and DD all under same roof. I desperately need respite as being with DD 24/7 is maybe not ideal for anyone, what with her not being in school and also co-sleeping due to anxiety, yet getting H to step up and parent is a bit hit and miss. Maybe by separating I will get this respite and when DD is with me (which will probably be most of the time) I can be a stronger and better parent.

Long rant, it will get better, I know, just hard today. Sigh xx

Bleurgh I've had a shite day as well.

Wow! Just so sorry @LittleSwede .

Sorry to hear that xx

So sorry @LittleSwede that sounds really hard. You sound like you are expected to carry everything for everyone. I hope you do get some respite from it all.

@MySocksAreDotty sorry to hear you have had a shit day too.

You are right. I will have to talk to him to tell him that this will be the hardest things he has ever done. Lets face it, he has no aptitude for it and, it appears, not real understanding of why its needed. He has always wanted things to get better, but never really seemed to grasp that achieving that require hard work and effort from him He just wants it to happen.

I'm not optimistic. I think his autism may be such that it prevents him from really being able to engage in any of this.