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Original poster

DH lending sister money...WWYD?

93 replies

Dayatatime208 · 13/07/2024 10:25

DH and I are relatively financially comfortable. Well, we can pay our bills and go on holiday. He has three sisters who struggle financially. The DH of one lost his job, and they couldn't pay the bills. Just found out DH offered 5k to her to make ends meet. She told me and said 'he's very protective' over her. I don't know - I just feel a bit uncomfortable. Like we're seen as able to give hand outs and this might be something that happens again in the future with her or other members of his family. It's DH's money and family so maybe I should butt out? But something about it made me uneasy. Should I talk to him about it and what can I say? I kind of wish she hadn't told me and said that about being protective. It felt a bit possessive or something, I'm not sure.

OP posts:
itistooeasy · 13/07/2024 10:28

what you should be focussing on is fact your DH didn’t tell you beforehand

Spirallingdownwards · 13/07/2024 10:30

The issue is unless you are completely loaded and have separate savings pots why he didn't discuss lending such a sum. Is it really a loan and is there any chance it may never be repaid?

ThreeEggOmlette · 13/07/2024 10:31

Why is it 'his' money & not family money?
Why weren't you consulted?

I'd listen to that voice telling you maybe it's potentially about being controlling/ possessive and maybe reflect on your own relationship with the above questions in mind.

Original poster
Dayatatime208 · 13/07/2024 10:33

Just to clarify, it came from his savings and we do have separate savings. Been together six years and no kids. So maybe it's none of my business. But it's more that she told me and I would like to move towards making joint financial decisions and not become the lenders to his family!

OP posts:
Parky04 · 13/07/2024 10:35

When you are married, all money is family money. This should have been discussed and agreed.

DeeCeeCherry · 13/07/2024 10:36

He's borrowed his sister a large sum of family money, without telling you.

But what is all this dithering? The moment his sister told you was the time to go back home and have the matter out with your husband.

If you couldn't do that then you don't have a good relationship aside from being partly a cash cow for grown adults who should be sorting their own finances, but won't as your husband is playing The Big Man.

itistooeasy · 13/07/2024 10:38

he’s not your husband op
he’s your partner

timetobegin · 13/07/2024 10:39

Well either they are separate savings and he can do what he likes with them or they’re not. Which is it?

Original poster
Dayatatime208 · 13/07/2024 10:40

@itistooeasy What's the difference though? Just out of interest...I see partner/husband as the same. We're not married but I don't feel that changes things as we're committed. We just don't feel the need for marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dayatatime208 · 13/07/2024 10:41

I don't know the terminology, so maybe I should have said partner, but we live together and are committed.

OP posts:
itistooeasy · 13/07/2024 10:41

Dayatatime208 · 13/07/2024 10:40

@itistooeasy What's the difference though? Just out of interest...I see partner/husband as the same. We're not married but I don't feel that changes things as we're committed. We just don't feel the need for marriage.

why refer to him as your dh rather than dp if you don’t think it changes the situation somewhat?

itistooeasy · 13/07/2024 10:42

Dayatatime208 · 13/07/2024 10:41

I don't know the terminology, so maybe I should have said partner, but we live together and are committed.

yes you do

you’ve started a few threads on mumsnet and been around for sometime

odd

veryCrossMrFlibble · 13/07/2024 10:42

Dayatatime208 · 13/07/2024 10:40

@itistooeasy What's the difference though? Just out of interest...I see partner/husband as the same. We're not married but I don't feel that changes things as we're committed. We just don't feel the need for marriage.

Married means joint assets protected in law. Partner does not. Morally he should have probably told you first.

Original poster
Dayatatime208 · 13/07/2024 10:42

@itistooeasy i don't know just feel like he's my life partner so same/same sorry for mistake.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dayatatime208 · 13/07/2024 10:43

@veryCrossMrFlibble Good point. Thank you. I think it's just about communication and joint decisions. I also don't want it to become a thing that his family asks him for money as that may impact our future.

OP posts:
itistooeasy · 13/07/2024 10:44

Dayatatime208 · 13/07/2024 10:42

@itistooeasy i don't know just feel like he's my life partner so same/same sorry for mistake.

well it obviously changes the situation we are talking about a partner or husband

and you know that

hence referring to him as DH

so he’s free to do whatever he likes with his money but it is co corning he felt he couldn’t tell you about it

itistooeasy · 13/07/2024 10:45

does he live rent free in your house?

PenguinCounter · 13/07/2024 10:47

Is it a loan they're planning to pay back or a gift?

My only worry is that if this happened again, they still wouldn't be prepared because they'd rely on your partner to bail them out again. Ok, if the money comes back in the meantime but a pretty big deal if they're expecting another handout. When you're on a low income it's really hard to build any sort of emergency savings and they won't want to go through that pain if they know they can just ask your partner for a hand.

WorkCleanRepeat · 13/07/2024 10:47

It would have been nice of him to discuss it with you first but your not married and it's his savings.

He obviously sees you as having seperate finances.

aya123 · 13/07/2024 10:49

Dayatatime208 · 13/07/2024 10:25

DH and I are relatively financially comfortable. Well, we can pay our bills and go on holiday. He has three sisters who struggle financially. The DH of one lost his job, and they couldn't pay the bills. Just found out DH offered 5k to her to make ends meet. She told me and said 'he's very protective' over her. I don't know - I just feel a bit uncomfortable. Like we're seen as able to give hand outs and this might be something that happens again in the future with her or other members of his family. It's DH's money and family so maybe I should butt out? But something about it made me uneasy. Should I talk to him about it and what can I say? I kind of wish she hadn't told me and said that about being protective. It felt a bit possessive or something, I'm not sure.

Well if its from his savings his work he doesnt have to say anything and tbh i think you should see it in another way. He has a good heart and cares about family and maybe he just didnt wanna embarrass his sister who might be trying to make you feel bad but you shouldnt you should be rlly proud of him

Original poster
Dayatatime208 · 13/07/2024 10:51

@aya123 Thank you, that's a nice way to look at it. He does have a good heart. Why do you think his sister might be trying to make me feel bad? I didn't really understand the implications of her 'he's protective of me' comment. Why say that? It bothered me but I am not even sure why!

OP posts:
Puffinfoot · 13/07/2024 10:52

If my sister was really desperate, I couldn't see her children hungry or let them face homelessness if I could help, but it would need to be that extreme before she'd ask/accept and even then, I wouldn't dream of doing anything without discussing it with DH. I wouldn't expect him to disagree, but I would definitely talk to him about it first.

itistooeasy · 13/07/2024 10:52

op he’s living rent free in your house
so actually… yes he should have told you

Marblessolveeverything · 13/07/2024 10:53

Dayatatime208 · 13/07/2024 10:33

Just to clarify, it came from his savings and we do have separate savings. Been together six years and no kids. So maybe it's none of my business. But it's more that she told me and I would like to move towards making joint financial decisions and not become the lenders to his family!

It’s his money not communal so I really don’t see the issue. I would not be impressed at a partner having issue with how I spend my money.

kitsuneghost · 13/07/2024 10:57

Coming from someone with life partner unmarried
I would expect him to tell me but gifting 5k from his own savings is entirely up to him.

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