DH lending sister money...WWYD?

[Dayatatime208]

DH and I are relatively financially comfortable. Well, we can pay our bills and go on holiday. He has three sisters who struggle financially. The DH of one lost his job, and they couldn't pay the bills. Just found out DH offered 5k to her to make ends meet. She told me and said 'he's very protective' over her. I don't know - I just feel a bit uncomfortable. Like we're seen as able to give hand outs and this might be something that happens again in the future with her or other members of his family. It's DH's money and family so maybe I should butt out? But something about it made me uneasy. Should I talk to him about it and what can I say? I kind of wish she hadn't told me and said that about being protective. It felt a bit possessive or something, I'm not sure.

Boys are raised to be protective of their sisters, especially if it is a younger sister. This is very common in most European cultures.

Did you? As a matter of fact, I agree marriage doesn't matter in terms of personal savings because I assume there would be joinned savings for children, etc. If I were married, I'd probably mention that I gave my sibling money. But a live-in boyfriend that thought he should have been consulted? No.

She was trying to explain why he would lend her money, she probably realised you weren't very happy about it or rather surprised by it. She may also have been feeling a bit embarrassed about it and was justifying it to herself.

I do think he should have told you what he intended to do, unless it's a fairly insignificant amount of money to him.

You can talk to him about it but you don't really have a leg to stand on since you're not married. Yes, it does make a difference legally.

Seems like you may be a bit jealous of his close relationship with his family, hence it bothering you.

Did she take the money OP? I’ve reread and it says she told you he offered to lend her £5k, but not a word about her taking him up on the offer. I can understand him not mentioning it at all if he offered and she said thanks but we are fine. Most would only mention to a boyfriend/girlfriend it as an update if the loan actually materialised, as a sort of fyi, my savings is a bit low…etc

If my dp told me I couldn’t give my own money to my own sister I would be extremely annoyed.

@LifeExperience " Yes, it does make a difference legally"

Not in these circumstances it doesn't.

If you are not married, have your own separate savings (with this money coming entirely from his own savings), and he can afford it, I can't see a problem.

If you were struggling and each saving for a shared goal that this gift would jeopardise, I think it would be different.

I think he has done a kind thing, but in your shoes I wouldn't want it to become a habit.

I think he has done a kind thing, but in your shoes I wouldn't want it to become a habit.

But why? As long as the boyfriend pays his part of bills and expenses, it is no one else's business what he does with his money.

If I was told 'don't let helping your family become a habit', I'd be ending the relationship. No matter how long-term it was. It would reek of jealousy and entitlement.

Agree on all this. I do think it’s disrespectful of him not to have discussed this with you.

@WhyIhatebaylissandharding

Everyone stating that all assets are joint are incorrect

That's because we're talking about the moral assumptions we have, rather than the law. The fact of the matter here is that the money wasn't hers, and whether he 'should' have told her about how he was using his money is simply a matter of opinion, and so will differ from individual to individual, as it has within the relationship.

There isn't a right or wrong, just preferences. Legally, he wasn't obliged to tell her, but that's not really what's happening here: I'm not legally required to tell my partner I ate the last Mars bar out of the cupboard, but it might be polite to do so, dependant on other things, like whether I'd bought them for myself/said I'd share etc.

@westisbest1982

I do think it’s disrespectful of him not to have discussed this with you

How much of his own money is he allowed autonomy over, in your opinion?

Quite. The moment my partner suggests that my own money isn't solely mine is the moment our relationship turns material, and therefore, ends.

If the car/boiler broke tomorrow or a large financial crisis came up and DP couldn't afford his half because he gave 5k to his sister, this directly impacts OP

So, there is no car or boiler to fix. What if the house falls down? What if OP needs medical care that would cost every spare penny that he's ever had, but he's just been going about buying bike gear for years and is now £5000 short? Was he meant to have been saving all his hobby money just in case OP got ill?

Unmarried people with their own savings aren't supposed to be keeping all their money aside in case of problems that affect their partner. If he's left himself without a reasonable contingency, then he's perhaps been foolish, but in a healthy relationship, each partner would feel able to trust the other not to throw important money away.

I can’t quantify it exactly, but anything that would potentially impact on the OP, depending on their household set up. I think £5K is a huge amount of money for most people and can make a huge difference when needed such as for a new car, boiler etc. Of course, the key thing here is that they’re living together.

IMO as you have separate savings and it isn't "family money", it isn't really something he needs to discuss with you beforehand. He is clearly very fond of his sister and wants to look after her. My brothers are also protective of me (although I don't need anything from them!), I'm not sure why that's a bad thing. I'm not in competition with their wives!

You might be others are not, they reference joint assets protected by law. They are not, they are individual assets unless held in joint names. People continually stating ‘family money’ are leading people to believe they have a right or a level of protection which they do not. Protection might kick in if you can prove criminality through financial abuse or a claim through divorce but until then there is no right.

He is allowed autonomy over all of it
But if you have lived with someone as a couple for a number of years it is respectful to discuss financial status for both parties security.
This is not a house share.