DH lending sister money...WWYD?

[Dayatatime208]

DH and I are relatively financially comfortable. Well, we can pay our bills and go on holiday. He has three sisters who struggle financially. The DH of one lost his job, and they couldn't pay the bills. Just found out DH offered 5k to her to make ends meet. She told me and said 'he's very protective' over her. I don't know - I just feel a bit uncomfortable. Like we're seen as able to give hand outs and this might be something that happens again in the future with her or other members of his family. It's DH's money and family so maybe I should butt out? But something about it made me uneasy. Should I talk to him about it and what can I say? I kind of wish she hadn't told me and said that about being protective. It felt a bit possessive or something, I'm not sure.

If you don’t feel the need for marriage then don’t call him your husband. He is still your partner though and I believe in joint finances.But you said you have seperate finances. So that is the issue but I think he should have told you , at least .

The difference is you're not married.
So your money is not joint.
If you split up you'd each keep your own savings.

If you have to come to a forum to find out whether to talk to your partner about something they did that bothered you, and ask what to say, your problem is not the one you think it is.

@Parky04 "When you are married, all money is family money. This should have been discussed and agreed"

Even personal savings? Hmmmm. Not in my world.

the op obviously knew there was a difference

hence using dh rather than dp

It is though, when push comes to shove.

So what's the set up financially, rent/own. Do yous earn similar etc etc?

What about 'in the world of the law'? Isn't that where you live?

We've been unmarried for nearly 40 years. We have joint/family money and personal savings. This would not change if we were married. I think women should have access to their own money-and therefore I think so should men. I would not expect my dp to question what I did with my savings, unless it was something that directly impacted him. And vice versa.

My DH has a sister that constantly needs money for various things. (College courses, flights home etc) She has delicate mental health and is really bad with money. He never discusses it with me, it might come up later in conversation. I think it's very kind of him and would never stop him doing it.

@Watchkeys "What about 'in the world of the law'? Isn't that where you live"

If you're bringing the law into what your life partner is allowed to do with his personal money (not family money-his money) then the relationship is over.

@CurlewKate

I agree. But their definitions of 'personal money' are different. So 'where you live', morally, isn't really relevant. They need to discuss their definitions.

If you live together in a committed long term relationship I would say that 'big' financial decisions should be discussed between you before deciding. I think that even using personal separate money can impact on other partner. No one knows what the future holds. If DP lost job/became ill he/she might have to rely on more financial input from other partner. If decisions like parting with £5000 have been discussed up front, then if financial positions change there could be no resentment about lost money.

If it's his own savings, he can spend it on what he likes.

If it's family money, it should be discussed in advance.

If (in the future) you choose to combine your finances differently, then this might change.

“Just to clarify, it came from his savings and we do have separate savings. Been together six years and no kids.”

If you have separate savings, aren’t married and have children to consider then he can do as he pleases with his savings. He obviously didn’t want to see his sister struggle so did a very generous and kind thing. I get the impression this is more to do with the fact he didn’t tell you and you possibly felt daft not knowing when the sister mentioned it? I don’t see why he wouldn’t tell you but with his own money I don’t think he has to either

Noooo, it is not in mine either.

My dp likes to spend money, I save money.

My thought on this thread is - it is your dp's money to do what he wants to do.

Being unmarried in this situation does make quite a big difference. It’s his personal savings money so as long as he can still pay his share of your joint bills he can do what he likes with his savings.
Once married and money is shared it should be discussed.
But it of course would have been nice if he’d discussed it with you, but maybe he was trying to not bring up his sisters financial problems.

I think maybe you see yourselves as exactly the same as a married couple and he doesn't.

5k is big - there is no reason not to mention it to your spouse, unless you're either concealing something (maybe because it'll cause trouble) or see it as none of their business.

Neither of which I'd be particularly chuffed about as a wife.

OP - this is a really naive way of looking at life and relationships. There is a world of difference in the level of commitment between marriage and ‘living together’.

In your eyes it may be the same - and when your relationship is in a good place, it may feel this way. But life is long and things happen. Even to couples that were happy and solid.
Expecting life to be a fairly tale that will always be that is the bit that is naive.

You have no claim over his savings. He can chose to mention it to you, or not.
Maybe its time the two of you compare notes on your mutual understanding of what your expectations are on the level of ‘commitment’.

Depending on your financial situation - say if you have more assets; or have higher income etc -marriage may not be advantageous to you. But regardless of details - you need to realise that marriage is not about fireworks - but is a contract that defines financial arrangements in a couple, and protect the more vulnerable party in the event things don't work out. It makes sense to properly consider your situation - especially of you are planning to have children one day.

If you are married any assets are jointly owned. If he's just a partner that means you haven't made that financial commitment to each other yet. So his savings are entirely his money and nothing to do with you. Your savings are your own and nothing to do with him. If you marry the savings will be joint money.

I mean it depends it might be that she just genuinely feels that hes being rlly protective and thought you knew and rlly wanted to show gratitude (which happened once to me) or maybe (if she doesnt like u) she's just trying to be "look how he takes care of me and he didnt tell u" but it all depends on your relationship with her
And even if ahe meant it in a bad way i wouldnt rllyy think much of it if u love ur partner and he loves you just ignore the comment

If you got a divorce you'd soon find out you'd have to share any of your personal savings unless you had a prenup agreement.

So are people saying that if you're married you are not allowed to have your own personal savings????

No i think ppl are saying that if ur married u should tell each ither abt this stuff which i also dont think is a good thing unless u talk regularly abt money

He should have discussed it with you even though it’s ultimately his decision. I also wonder if your anger over not being consulted is clouding your view. Hand outs and lenders isn’t how I’d talk about helping my family. I would be glad they could come to me.