DH lending sister money...WWYD?

[Dayatatime208]

DH and I are relatively financially comfortable. Well, we can pay our bills and go on holiday. He has three sisters who struggle financially. The DH of one lost his job, and they couldn't pay the bills. Just found out DH offered 5k to her to make ends meet. She told me and said 'he's very protective' over her. I don't know - I just feel a bit uncomfortable. Like we're seen as able to give hand outs and this might be something that happens again in the future with her or other members of his family. It's DH's money and family so maybe I should butt out? But something about it made me uneasy. Should I talk to him about it and what can I say? I kind of wish she hadn't told me and said that about being protective. It felt a bit possessive or something, I'm not sure.

You can have them - I do - but you should understand that if you got divorced, you’d have no automatic right to keeping 100% of them.

He should have told you. But my brother wouldn’t give me a bean if I was in trouble, so I think it’s rather lovely he’s kind enough to look after his sister.

I think thats why you feel that he shouldve told her but in my opinion he doesnt have to put his sister in that position (i also come from a place where if your parents are really in need and you have money its rlly wrong not to help them)

He 'should have told her' according to what? They're not married, it's his sister, his family, his money. In telling her, he would have also been divulging personal and financial information about his sister. There is no 'should'. OP wanted to know, he didn't want to tell her. There is no right or wrong there. They have differing 'wants', that's all.

I lent my friend £5000 and have never told my partner, because I don't want to share my friend's financial status. My partner wouldn't care, because it's my money, and doesn't have an impact on our relationship. If I thought it would bother my partner, I would have checked with my friend before lending it, that she was OK with me telling my partner, because I don't want any uncomfortable secrets, or to feel like I might 'slip up', and accidentally say something. But my partner has no claim on my money, because we're not married, and wouldn't be in the slightest bit bothered about my loyalty to my friend.

There are no rules, and no 'shoulds'. He has done something, and OP doesn't like it, but that doesn't mean he's 'wrong'.

True, I agree, but he does sound like a decent chap, which is the most important thing I guess!

@NoSquirrels "You can have them - I do - but you should understand that if you got divorced, you’d have no automatic right to keeping 100% of them."

I understand that. But what's that got to do with this situation?

I’ll rephrase it to I think it might have been preferable if he’d felt able to tell her. But whatever, he’s a decent bloke who did a decent thing, which is the main thing I take from this.

Nothing? I was purely answering the question you asked in your post.

As PP said, marriage makes an enormous difference. You aren't married. Partner means nothing except in your head whilst you and he are companionable. If that should ever change then you will see the stark difference between husband or not.

You have separate savings, good. Keep it that way. Protect your own finances.

If the bills are paid and each of you is equal there than what your partner gives to his sister is none of your business actually. Butt out.

You're not married and you have separate finances so I don't see the issue.

I'm married 15 years and we have separate finances. We each pay in 50% of household bills but everything else is ours. We're comfortable financially. I'm very generous with my family and it's none of dh's business.

Well the bigger picture here OP is whether you're in the habit of making joint financial decisions. You're unmarried so how you run your household is between you to negotiate.

As long as your joint goals and commitments are met I don't see why he has to tell you anything.
Also people usually remain unmarried to protect their own assets. It does seem a bit contradictory to then demand a say If you want to know the difference marriage makes just Google it or look at the hundreds of threads on here.

We are in the same position, although we've been together 15 years, and have a rule that if it's more than £1k, we tell the other one about it/run it by them to see if they think it's a good idea.

The other one usually has clarity and is a step away from the issue so it's easier for them to see pros/cons that aren't clouded or biased by something. It's also instantly easy to spot patterns or people repeatedly taking the p/manipulating.

It's a non-negotiable for me in relationships because my parents used to hide their spending and money from each other and it let to massive meltdowns.

He should have discussed it with you. I think k her comment was a bit strange.

We have leant money to people before and it's never ended well so we agreed never to do it again other than for our kids if they ever need it in the future.

Married/ is completely irrelevant here.It isn't a legal requirement to pool your finances. If you have separate savings you can do what you want with them-regardless of marital status.

He should have discussed it with you

What gives anybody the authority to say what someone else 'should' do, @TheUndomesticGoddess ?

I think that what people are getting at is that marriage assumes a respect for the fact that finances are legally classed as joint. Marriage is a major financial decision, but OP is referring to someone who hasn't made that decision with her as 'her husband'. It's very relevant to point out that he hasn't made that financial commitment to her, because what's bothering her is that he hasn't stuck to that commitment.

@Watchkeys What I'm getting at is that people are entitled to their own private money, regardless of marital status. There certainly seems to be a sense on this thread that that entitlement ends on marriage.

@CurlewKate

I know what you're getting at. You're missing the point that people are making. OP feels she 'should' have a married person's legal right to know about her partner's money.

People aren't saying that all married people can't have their own money. Yours is the irrelevant point.

Anyway, sorry for the derail, @Dayatatime208 The point is that you have an requirement that he shares info about his money, and he's in no way obliged to do so. So, essentially, you have a difference of opinion, and will need to reach a compromise or agree to disagree.

It's his savings, and you're not married? No children? He can do what he wants with his money.

IMO it’s his money and he can do what he wants with it. Especially if you have separate savings.

The lack of disclosure I can see being an issue if you had plans to use the money, if not, then like others have said it just shows he is a nice guy and family orientated. He should have made it clear though to his sister that him lending the money is confidential to ensure no other handouts are asked for.

and all this BS saying once married his money is her money and vice versa is b0llocks. That’s why some men are put off marriage and Why pre-nups exist. There’s no way in hell I’m going to risk my mortgage free house and life savings!

Dayatatime208 · Today 10:40
What's the difference though? Just out of interest...I see partner/husband as the same. We're not married but I don't feel that changes things as we're committed. We just don't feel the need for marriage”

You can see it however you like but legally it doesn’t make it so.

I think people are missing the point a bit here.
Although I do agree that it is his decision as the savings are his own I do feel OP should have been consulted.
The fact they are unmarried is irrelevant. They are still running a household together.
If the car/boiler broke tomorrow or a large financial crisis came up and DP couldn't afford his half because he gave 5k to his sister, this directly impacts OP.

Na. If we had separate savings fuck am I asking permission on how to spend it

Finances are not legally joint unless they are in a joint account. If in an account in your own name they are legally yours to do with whatever you like. In the event of divorce then they will considered in the financial settlement England & Wales). Divorce will not always deliver 50/50 especially if a short marriage and no children. In Scotland assets owned before marriage will not be considered - unless they have been turned into a joint asset ,i.e. used to buy a martial home.

Everyone stating that all assets are joint are incorrect.

@betterangels "It's his savings, and you're not married? No children? He can do what he wants with his money"

"It's his savings.......He can do what he wants with his money"

Fixed that for you.