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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH forcing affection during an argument

81 replies

XMissPlacedX · 12/07/2024 19:30

DH (44) and I (40) have been together 7 years, married for 5. He has never been violent or threatening towards me and is generally very loving.

Last night during a reasonably heated disagreement dh turned towards me, held out his arms and walked towards me to give me a hug, I told him not to touch me.

He continued to walk towards me and tried to put his arms around me and I told him to take his hands off me, he wouldn’t.

He continued to try and hug me despite me repeating over and over again ( each time getting louder) , in the end I must have asked him a minimum of 15 times to take his hands off me
before he finally let go of me …
Oh but not before saying I was ‘ mental for shouting so loud and making something out of nothing ‘

What do you think he was trying to achieve by ignoring my request ?

OP posts:

EarthSight · 12/07/2024 19:34

Sounds odd really. In those type of situations, the woman doesn't have any power to really say no. She can only say no as much as the man allows her to as he's so much stronger. It would really piss me off if I felt that a man was using his physical strength to overpower me.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 12/07/2024 19:36

He was showing you that your boundaries don't apply to him.

PalmelaHanderson · 12/07/2024 19:38

I think he had the red mist but expressed it via a hug. Out of control of his emotions.

Original poster

XMissPlacedX · 12/07/2024 19:38

That's exactly how I feel, I was once in an abusive relationship ( also raped) which he knows about and he still went ahead and forced his strength onto me. Worst still we are trying to bring up 2 teenage daughters ( 1 mine and 1 his ) and I have been fierce with them about their autonomy.

OP posts:

Hatty65 · 12/07/2024 19:46

I'd have been furious. It is assault to put your hands on someone who is shouting at you to get off them!

I don't care if he was 'insisting' on hugging you. It's utterly inappropriate to use your physical strength to control an argument, and that is effectively what he was doing.

I would make it very clear to him that I considered that he'd assaulted me and that if he did it again during an argument when told to get off me that I would call the police. He can call it 'hugging'.

I would call it 'physically restraining and intimidating'.

TheCultureHusks · 12/07/2024 19:48

I’d be having a very serious talk about this - explaining exactly why this was completely unacceptable, that it wasn’t a ‘hug’, it was him physically intimidating you by showing you that he could - and would - ignore your boundaries and ignore your right to not be touched should you instruct him not to.

It would be a very very very serious talk. With a what happens now at the end. I would not live with, or bring my child up with a man who did this.

I think my next move would depend on his response. Minimising, sulking, gaslighting - anything but a clear apology and the knowledge he understood exactly what he’d done - and I think I’d be reassessing the relationship.

Original poster

XMissPlacedX · 12/07/2024 19:49

Thankyou, I'm glad I'm not over reacting, he is trying his best to minimise and walk around the house whistling and playing Disney dad. I can't work out if he genuinely doesn't realise what he has done ( he is usually an intelligent man) or whether he is ashamed and trying to minimise. Either way I now feel so different about him.

OP posts:

TheCultureHusks · 12/07/2024 19:50

Then I’d start reassessing. What are the finances like?

Original poster

XMissPlacedX · 12/07/2024 19:55

I have two choices, I am from South Wales and moved to Dorset to live with him with my daughter 4 years ago.

Choice 1: Me and my daughter both kept strong links to South Wales ( her dad lives there and all my friends and lots of my family live there). So I could rent somewhere or apply for housing ( I do work ) over the 6 weeks school holidays and hopefully get settled in time for her to start the next school year.

Choice 2: I can go to my parents with her ( they live in Bristol ) and save a deposit for a house in South Wales.

My daughter would be happy with either tbh

OP posts:

gettingbacktobeingmeagain · 12/07/2024 19:55

That's horrible, you poor thing.

Even without your history it would be unacceptable for him to do that, but knowing what has happened to you makes his behaviour completely repellent; as others have said he is using his physical strength to overpower you, under the guise of "affection" but I know it won't have felt affectionate.

My abusive XH used to do similar with kisses - not letting me draw away - and it felt threatening, as it was designed to (not that he'd ever admit to that, even to himself I imagine), and your "D"H was doing the same. Disgusting behaviour and I hope you are able to tell him that you now trust him significantly less than you did before; he needs to realise how serious this is, and if he doesn't, and isn't completely mortified, then I'm afraid you will need to reassess whether you still want to be his wife.

Julyshouldbesunny · 12/07/2024 19:56

He has no respect for you full stop.. Wouldn't be a man I would have as a role model for my dc.
Wonder why he has an ex? Now you know. Bet he labelled her as The Mad Bitch did he?

gettingbacktobeingmeagain · 12/07/2024 19:59

Cross post @XMissPlacedX I'm not surprised you feel differently about him; look after yourself and do what's best for you and your daughter - him minimising what he did makes the whole situation untenable, so you are best off out of it, well done for being strong xx

Original poster

XMissPlacedX · 12/07/2024 20:00

It's so hard, the girls get on so well ( sisters they always wanted ) and we had such a lovely dynamic before this happened last night. His last marriage broke up because she cheated, although they are amicable ( I get on with her well).

He has backed me into a corner of choosing to either end my marriage or put up with the possibility of every argument ending up with him physically overpowering me if he isn't getting his way.

I honestly never thought he was like that, he used to have a lot of respect for me and it seems to have gone.

OP posts:

RichardsGear · 12/07/2024 20:02

Have you talked about it with him since?

DontBother123 · 12/07/2024 20:05

There’s no such thing as forced affection. There is only physical dominance.

My abusive ex started doing this in exactly the way you describe with similar patronising comments. I once walked backwards through two rooms to get away from him, and he barrelled me into a corner and screamed in my face “ I love you, you fucking bitch”.

It got really really bad op.

AutumnFroglets · 12/07/2024 20:09

That's awful, and I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I get you were trying to get your thoughts typed out quickly but your title is so wrong and that might be why you are struggling with it all. It wasn't forced affection, it was restraint. He physically overpowered you and stopped you from moving whilst refusing to hear you. He took away your power with zero thought, just like a rapist would - and that might be why you are so triggered by this. And he knew your past. He would know you would be badly affected by being unable to get away. He knew and didn't care.

leeverarch · 12/07/2024 20:10

He was physically restraining you against your will, and refused to take his hands off you despite you repeatedly telling him to let you go.

Ask him whether he would be happy for another man to do that to his teenage daughter.

Original poster

XMissPlacedX · 12/07/2024 20:16

I haven't tried to talk to him because he is being so cocky and it's clear it will be falling on deaf ears. I was going to leave last night but thought it wasn't giving him a chance to realise and apologise but he hasn't. I was so in love with my abusive ex and managed to leave that situation after 7 years of abuse, it was during that relationship I was raped ( by one of his friends).

I always thought he understood how those experiences affected me but it seems he either doesn't understand or simply doesn't care.

OP posts:

TheCultureHusks · 12/07/2024 20:16

OP your immediate mental movement to considering practical options strongly indicates that you can and should take action. There’s clearly no doubt in your mind what happened here and just how much you are not prepared to give it the green light.

gettingbacktobeingmeagain · 12/07/2024 20:20

I am so sorry that you have been through so much, but your thought to leave was the right one...as with any abusive behaviour you hope that you were mistaken but his cocky behaviour shows exactly what he thinks. Get yourself out of there love, it'll hurt like hell (I know that leaving someone that you still love is the hardest thing to do, well done for doing it last time) but it'll hurt more if you stay. You deserve better, and so does your daughter.

PinkFizz1 · 12/07/2024 20:20

Just to offer a different perspective.

I read something once years ago that advised (rightly or wrongly) to attempt to either hug or say “I love you” in the middle of an argument. The idea was to put some perspective on things, at the end of the day we love each other, does this really matter in the grand scheme of things, that kind of thing.

DH and I actually practiced this during a particularly rough patch a few years ago. Sometimes it worked, sometimes the argument was stronger and more overwhelming in the moment.

Could he have been attempting (poorly!) to demonstrate something like this do you think?

gettingbacktobeingmeagain · 12/07/2024 20:23

Whilst that has long been suggested as a technique to defuse an argument @PinkFizz1 he didn't stop when she pleaded with him not to do it. That's where the problem is, not that he tried to hug her once.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 12/07/2024 20:24

TheCultureHusks · 12/07/2024 20:16

Exactly what I thought. The fact you’ve gone straight to considering your options suggests you instinctively know how wrong his motivation was. And his performative obliviousness suggests he knows it too. So sorry, OP. How shit to have this from someone you trusted after everything you’ve been through. Hope you’re ok.

PinkFizz1 · 12/07/2024 20:25

gettingbacktobeingmeagain · 12/07/2024 20:23

Yes, understood. That’s why I said ‘poorly’ when I was asking if he might’ve be attempting that. He absolutely should’ve stopped when OP said no, there’s no doubt. I just wanted to offer a different perspective other than ‘abuse’.

Original poster

XMissPlacedX · 12/07/2024 20:26

Thankyou everyone for your understanding and kind words. I just wanted other peoples perspectives to make sure I wasn't over reacting, I know I'm not now.

OP posts:

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