DH forcing affection during an argument

[XMissPlacedX]

DH (44) and I (40) have been together 7 years, married for 5. He has never been violent or threatening towards me and is generally very loving.

Last night during a reasonably heated disagreement dh turned towards me, held out his arms and walked towards me to give me a hug, I told him not to touch me.

He continued to walk towards me and tried to put his arms around me and I told him to take his hands off me, he wouldn’t.

He continued to try and hug me despite me repeating over and over again ( each time getting louder) , in the end I must have asked him a minimum of 15 times to take his hands off me
before he finally let go of me …
Oh but not before saying I was ‘ mental for shouting so loud and making something out of nothing ‘

What do you think he was trying to achieve by ignoring my request ?

That must have been quite frightening for you. It’s equally upsetting that he is acting with put on cockiness, suggesting he knows exactly what he did. I am sorry.

You're not over reacting, I'd have been fucking furious. It's a way of showing you you your boundaries don't matter but easily deniable by claiming "it was just a hug" thereby making you the bad guy, the over reactor. Not good.

Techically assault, definitely no consent to be touched.

I haven't tried to talk to him because he is being so cocky

So he hasn't apologised for upsetting you (even if he's unaware of the full impact of what he did), nor is he doubling down by saying it wasn't that bad, or you are over reacting.

Nope. He knows exactly what he has done, AND he's proud of it. The big man has put the stupid, inferior woman back in her place. Ugh!!! I am so sorry

Choice 1:
Your daughter might like to be nearer to daddy if he’s an involved and good father. It’s nice for you to have family nearby too. You’ll be standing on your own two feet.

If you go live with parents you might find you revert to being in child mode and find you’re all too far apart to be happy under the same roof?

Your current DP is one step away from being abusive. Red flag OP, red flag! 🚩🚩

Urgh!!! Bloody life.. just when you think it could be all plain sailing and start to relax then a bomb goes off and you have to start again. I suppose at least I know I've done
It before and can do it again, it's just such a shame.

Who is it in a film that said ' you can only trust the daddy'? In my case it's so true, my dad and my daughters dad are the only men that have never used their physical self to overpower me ( sexually or physically) Right now it feels like a laugh and move on or be defeated and cry situation.

I think a lot of us recognise the cockiness you’re describing. The whistling is particularly unpleasant.Take a good look at him wandering around feeling victorious, or better still film him. Because when you decide to get rid he’ll turn on the waterworks.

I feel like I'm being a mug now giving him this amount of time to apologise, ive been ill the past few days and feel like crap so the motivation to pack two peoples things is lacking and the whole thought a bit overwhelming. Why is it always when a woman is ill do men pull these kinds of stunts? It's as though they like kicking the weak when they are already down.

You aren't being a mug! You're taking the time you need to take to feel comfortable with your decision, that's all.

I think I'd do a combo of your options. I think I'd go to my parents for a bit first to decompress and make plans. It might give you a bit more time to find just the right place in Wales. Especially if going to your parents means that you can leave right away rather than having to stay put as you figure the logistics of getting a rental/starting anew in Wales.

@AcrossthePond55 , I think that's the best idea. It helps that it's the end of term and I can have time at my parents to execute a more permanent plan in South Wales.

I really thought he was my Prince Charming, not like the blokes where I grew up. Turns out they are all the same, either governed by their cocks or their ego 🤦‍♀️

I agree with Across. As soon as you are feeling better go to your parents and decide what to do/where to go once you are there. Even if you decide to go back to him. Create the space and peace to think.

Is it worth taking your daughter out for the day tomorrow, see if she's open to the idea of moving back. She might have noticed the tension ? Might be waiting for you to do or say something?
I'm also in Dorset.

Sorry if this plants unwelcome thoughts you were managing not to have OP but please be careful about how you extricate yourself and DD, he's clearly not who you thought he was and your safety needs to be paramount. Have someone there when you tell him/while you pack and leave, or do it when he's not there and leave a note because you have no idea whether/how he may escalate when he learns you are leaving.

Just to be devil’s advocate - he was hugging you, not hurting you. He should have let go when you asked him to; what a dick, but surely the most appropriate response is to tell him that his behaviour really triggered you and to give him a chance to apologise.

Choice No 1

has your daughter's school in Dorset actually ended ? as here in Devon we have another week / 10 days.

Don't stay with your parents too long - as you are now an adult not just their little girl.

You are really lucky you have someone who tries to calm a conflict down. Sulkers are much more difficult. Know when to stop

I'm so sorry, op. Did your daughter witness this?

Clueless.

Agree with PP to do this carefully and not wait too long.

That whistling smugness. I feel like I can see and hear it.

Some odd comments about going to your parents on here. That’s where I’d be going - for as long as I wanted - before heading back to Wales.

💐

My shit of an ex used to restrain me, pin me down in a hug when I was merely upset. The more he grabbed me, the more I freak out and scream and flail. Which to him, justified him touching me without my consent.

Vile pig.

This has made me rage just thinking about it.
He took your autonomy and he doesn't give a fuck - I don't think you'll ever see him in the same light as you did before, so it's a question of how you leave, rather than if.
I'd head to my parents and then look at rentals in south wales.

Thought similar. I have gone in for a hug sometimes to calm a situation. That said, I like to think I can read a situation where someone is telling me repeatedly not to hug.

To me, or sounds like he wanted to try and stop the argument and have a loving moment to bring you both back together.
However, I think that's not really realistic in the best of the moment.

Reminds me of how I met your mother where the couple would fight but go on "pause".

No, just because it goes against your narrative doesn't mean they are wrong.

Telling a woman who has been a victim of SA that she is lucky to have a man who forcibly ‘hugged’ her despite many many requests not to, and who is now whistling happily around the house after effectively using his greater strength to make her do something she didn’t want to do, is completely wrong.