Confused over partners art around unprotected sex

[Peaches2566]

So for context: we are currently sorting out moving from our separate properties, to be together. I have two children from a previous relationship he has non. I am 32 he is 52. The age gap is a non issue, he is a wonderful partner, my kids adore him, and he does them. All good. We have discussed in the near future we would love to have a child together and we are currently in the process of securing a 4 bed house. Here's where his behavior has thrown me off.

I recently had to come off of my birth control pill to take other medicine. I obviously let him know as soon as possible to which he replied "you know what, I absolutely am not worried at this point" and we proceeded to have unprotected sex for two weeks. I decided to ask him if when I have finished my medication if I should stay off the pill for good just to be clear. To which he said, actually I think you should go back on it until the house is sorted. I was heartbroken but ultimately can see he has approached this with logic, I said I had two weeks left off my pill to get my period and I would go back on it, he said to be sensible we should use condoms.

However that isn't what happened and we carried on. I am now able to go back on my pill so today I clarified with him again that tonight I can start taking my pill again if that's what we both wanted, I did express a bit of concern that I personally didn't want to as I'd had some issues with it but if we were definitely holding off on a baby I would absolutely take it.

He responded telling me he felt due to my health wasn't worth it and that we could discuss alternatives. He already knows that other than condoms the pill is the best option for me. I already know he is not going to bother with condoms.

He is usually a fantastic communicator and a sensible logical man but in this instance he seems to just want to play fuck around and find out? I have tried to be open and honest about my BC at all times and want to make sure we are on the same page. He seems to not be bothered about it, and I think if I didn't go back on it he wouldn't have cared and would just carry on. I know he wouldn't be upset with pregnancy and wants it, so I don't understand why he cant just say "yes please go back on it" or "nope come off it I'm open to a pregnancy"

I'm going to speak with him about this obviously but to be armed with insight and an open might would be great.

All of the things you’ve just written, say to him. Because there’s only one person who actually knows what’s going on in his head and he isn’t on here. Put his and your communication skills to the test. If you’re talking about having a child together this is the least you can do xxx

It sounds like what he’s saying is ‘I like having sex with you without condoms’ (who doesn’t prefer this? They’re a bit rubbish frankly) and also ‘I am sympathetic to you not wanting to be on the pill because you don’t like it and it causes some issues’.

These are both totally valid and sensible things to think. What he’s not thinking through though is ‘if we don’t use any birth control at all, you will get pregnant and then we’ll have a baby (or need to discuss a termination).’

It sounds like he’s very focused on the immediate, and not thinking about the longer term. Maybe he can’t get his head around having a child so is just completely in denial. Maybe he thinks he can talk you out of it if a pregnancy happens. Ultimately though, it’s not his body it’s happening to. It’s your body and you need to be in control of what’s going on with your body. If you haven’t discussed a baby, and expressly made plans to bring one into the world, you need to sort out your bc or refuse to have sex without condoms.

You need to take control here. For a man of 52 he sounds as though he has a very casual attitude towards the liklihood of you getting pregnant. I'd be wanting a more committed response if l were you and wouldn't want to take the risk.

"you know what, I absolutely am not worried at this point"

Lol. "At this point....".

I don't need a parachute to jump out of an aircraft. I only need it if I want to jump out a second time.

Weird attitude for a man of his mature years.

I think you need to be really clear - ‘if we do that I might get pregnant. What would you think about that?’

I know he wouldn't be upset with pregnancy and wants it, so I don't understand why he cant just say "yes please go back on it" or "nope come off it I'm open to a pregnancy"

but from what you said he did give you an answer:

To which he said, actually I think you should go back on it until the house is sorted.

In regards to your birth control if you’re not happy with the pill then don’t take it, if he’s already said it’ll be sensible to use condoms then why not go with that? If he tried to without one then you say no not until you’ve got a condom on

The age gap absolutely is an issue, because I bet that's the reason you don't feel able to have a conversation about this as equals.

He is usually a fantastic communicator and a sensible logical man but in this instance he seems to just want to play fuck around and find out?

It doesn't seem like you're communicating about it properly either. Can you not ask him to explain his 'fuck around and find out' attitude'. If he is happy to have a lapse in contraception but thinks you should go on it then is he ok with you becoming pregnant now or would he pressure you into having an abortion?

OP if he was bothered about you getting pregnant, then he'd insist on contraception. It depends what you want really. Do you think now is the best time to get pregnant? Is so, then carry on having unprotected sex

Where does the art come into it?

Way of practicing. Modus operandi.

I had a conversation once along similar lines. We were just finished uni, just setting ourselves up on careers. We knew we wanted children, but were not ready. I needed my implant removed, he was all supportive of what I chose etc.

About a week later, just before the implant was coming out, we spoke about friends who announced they were expecting an unplanned baby. I said something about how scary if it happened to us, he said not really, because of course I would have an abortion and I just realised in that second he did not care what happened to me, or how I felt, I would obviously not inconvenience him with a baby.

We set of to a restaurant chatting about friends, but we never ate together again.

Have you ever asked him if he’s had a vasectomy?

Because a 52 year old man who has already raised his children is usually not all that keen to get back to nappies and night feeds, but might twig that his younger girlfriend won’t stick around without the dangling carrot of a new baby.

What a scumbag😱

He hasn't got kids?

He’s far too old for you OP. When you’re 52, he’s going to be an old man.

OP, you are moving your children in with this man so now is the time to sort this out. You don’t want to find yourself in a situation where you learn something about him that makes you want to end the relationship once you have already moved in with him. At 32, the age gap should concern you.

how long have you been together?

He seems very detached about the whole thing. Does he assume if you had another baby it doesn't really affect him either way?

He is usually a fantastic communicator and a sensible logical man

Is he??? He flip flops around unprotected sex!

I'll tell you what he is - one of the thousands of losers out there who feel entitled that the woman wrecks her hormones & wellbeing on the pill, and even feels entitled to her having an abortion, like it's nothing.

I already know he is not going to bother with condoms

Like I said. An entitled man.

It is definitely very confusing behaviour but it seems to me that he would be happy if you did get pregnant and so is taking a relaxed attitude to birth control.

I think the disconnect here is that you are looking to agree to actively try for a child or hold off for a while and his attitude is a lot more cavalier.

It is your body so totally your choice if want to go back on birth control. But you said you were heart broken when he suggested you did go back on it so it sounds like you are ready to try for a baby now. I would tell him that and see what he says - from everything you have said it sounds like he will be over the moon but if he does want to hold off for any reason then you can tell him he needs to take more of an active role in the birth control department.

See above.

Horrible, cold hearted, entitled men.

Hi OP I know this wasn't the question but have you actually lived together yet? If not, surely it's best to sort house, sort finances, and see how it goes living as a blended family in the same house, before even considering getting pregnant? Even if he was fine with it and wanted a baby, that doesn't mean it's a good idea at this stage.

52 and wanting a baby. Oh no. Sounds like an idiot in my opinion!