Confused over partners art around unprotected sex

[Peaches2566]

So for context: we are currently sorting out moving from our separate properties, to be together. I have two children from a previous relationship he has non. I am 32 he is 52. The age gap is a non issue, he is a wonderful partner, my kids adore him, and he does them. All good. We have discussed in the near future we would love to have a child together and we are currently in the process of securing a 4 bed house. Here's where his behavior has thrown me off.

I recently had to come off of my birth control pill to take other medicine. I obviously let him know as soon as possible to which he replied "you know what, I absolutely am not worried at this point" and we proceeded to have unprotected sex for two weeks. I decided to ask him if when I have finished my medication if I should stay off the pill for good just to be clear. To which he said, actually I think you should go back on it until the house is sorted. I was heartbroken but ultimately can see he has approached this with logic, I said I had two weeks left off my pill to get my period and I would go back on it, he said to be sensible we should use condoms.

However that isn't what happened and we carried on. I am now able to go back on my pill so today I clarified with him again that tonight I can start taking my pill again if that's what we both wanted, I did express a bit of concern that I personally didn't want to as I'd had some issues with it but if we were definitely holding off on a baby I would absolutely take it.

He responded telling me he felt due to my health wasn't worth it and that we could discuss alternatives. He already knows that other than condoms the pill is the best option for me. I already know he is not going to bother with condoms.

He is usually a fantastic communicator and a sensible logical man but in this instance he seems to just want to play fuck around and find out? I have tried to be open and honest about my BC at all times and want to make sure we are on the same page. He seems to not be bothered about it, and I think if I didn't go back on it he wouldn't have cared and would just carry on. I know he wouldn't be upset with pregnancy and wants it, so I don't understand why he cant just say "yes please go back on it" or "nope come off it I'm open to a pregnancy"

I'm going to speak with him about this obviously but to be armed with insight and an open might would be great.

In March 2024 OP started a thread

Am I pregnant or have I gotten ahead of myself here?

In which she posts a pregnancy test photo and says that her and her DP are "over the moon"?!?!

Yet in April 2024 in a thread about how she is homeless and living with her "hostile" mum, she says I'm not going to jump into living with someone my kids don't know. (My daughter is also struggling to accept I even have a boyfriend)

There's also another post in which OP claims she's being "bullied" by her children🙄

Also in each post she was married to her ex for a different length of time (10 years in one post, 13 years in another). However the best part of all is

Peaches2566 · 04/05/2024 16:45
I split from my husband of 13 years back in June. He had an affair and then turned nasty.

So June 2023, yes? Yet....

Peaches2566 · 29/06/2024 19:00
Prior to meeting my children I was dating a man for around a year. He has been around my children now for about 4 months.

So he's been around your kids since Feb 2024? But you were dating him for a year before this (So Feb 2023)? Yet your abusive husband only had an affair and left you in June 2023?! Hmmm.....

I think @Peaches2566 is a fantasist who makes up stories to post for attention... Who knows what is true but your poor, poor kids is all I can say...

I think the choice should be yours alone, it’s your body that has to carry a child if you become pregnant, you both need to be 100 per cent certain if you don’t use contraception.

Hi OP here is my take on your situation
Trying for a baby when you have not lived together is like running before you can walk.
If you want DP to wear a condom and he refuses you do not have sex.
He seems very relaxed about the whole thing- is it blissful ignorance because he doesn't have children yet ?

The age gap is a non issue

Is it really?

It might appear that way now.

(Though personally I find it creepy, he's almost old enough to be your Dad).

It might be an issue when you're 55 and 75, or 60 and 80.

At 52 he'd be 53 if you got pregnant immediately as a new Dad.

Over 40 in a man as a father is a much higher risk for miscarriage, abnormalities and autism.
Is that risk fair on your existing kids (or you)?

Have a look online about the risks of older fathers.Women think just because they can potentially get someone pregnant until they're elderly that it's fine, it's not; there are other factors. All genetic material ages.

Even if you got pregnant immediately he'd be 73 when the child was 20. That's a more typical age gap between a grandfather and their child.

I'll be blunt; anytime I had a relationship with a significantly older man; I realised in retrospect, that I had been desperate/vulnerable/not in a truly good, sensible, balanced emotional place.

Being kicked around in relationships does that to you. Makes you vulnerable to these men; who are cradle snatching, and who wouldn't be single at their age if they were well adjusted.

I'd assume he's planning to do fuck all towards bringing up the baby as he's so unbothered either way. Hes got the old-age get out card too. If you don't use protection I'd assume you're going to be doing most if not all of the parenting of both the new baby and existing kids.

Sounds like he wants a baby, but doesn't want to have the pressure of actually trying. It might not happen or it might take quite a while, has he had his sperm checked? I think he's hoping it will just happen, so he doesn't have to disappoint you, or for you to blame him if it doesn't.

But this isn't what the op asked. At all.
You've just used it as an excuse to roll out the usual age gap buzz words (creepy, check. Old enough to be your dad, check. Kid will have abnormalities, check. Dad will practically be dead by the time kid reaches adulthood, check).
None of this is relevant to the op which was about his communication and attitude towards unprotected sex.

He doesn’t sound committed to the idea of having a baby. Are you both equally excited about the prospect or a baby, or is it you pushing the conversations?

It is entirely relevant

Because she's vulnerable, straight out of an abusive relationship.

I know lots of women who've dove into unsuitable relationships after that, and this is an unsuitable relationship.

Too soon, too much, too cavalier about more kids, big age gap with older man. He shouldn't be introduced to her kids yet, let alone her risking having a baby with him. And all the risks that come with paternal age on top of that.

roll out the usual age gap buzz words

That all apply.

They're not made up, they're not unreasonable.

I don't think the op, at 32, and straight out of an abusive relationship, is strong, mature or level headed enough to see them at this time.

She also seems to be "fixing" the length of the relationship to make the light speed progression of this relationship seem longer than it has actually been.

Don't have a baby within months with a decades older man, who apparently has no experience of fatherhood, on the back of an abusive marriage breakdown... and expect it to turn out well.

And the poor kids mixed up in this.

The very fact that he's so cavalier and irresponsible about contraception and pregnancy risk says a lot about him. I usually find blokes getting into relationships with decades younger women, usually says a lot about them too.

There's no grey area - you use contraception or you don't. And do have a very honest think about whether you want a baby with a 52 year old man. You are likely to have a lot of years of your life once he's gone.

Op, lots of women think they'll fix the disaster of their marriage breakdown with a new "family" with the next man who'll have them.

It often doesn't work out that way, at all.

It's very unfair on your kids.

They don't all apply. Creepy doesn't apply. That's just your opinion. It isn't a fact that all men in all age gap relationships are creeps or predators. Stop projecting.

You must have been delving into other threads by the op because she doesn't mention the length of the relationship or an abusive ex in this post.

I know a few families with older parents. I.e dads in their late forties/early fifties when their babies were born. It's not as uncommon as people think. But that's by the by, she's asking about her partners mixed messages.

My DH is 20 years older than me. Been together 33 years.

What do you want, OP? If you don't want to get pregnant (and it sounds like it would be bad timing) then your options are go back on the pill, get an IUD or refuse to have sex without condoms. You're being too passive.

This.

Same here. 21 year difference and been together 30 years.

*Creepy doesn't apply. That's just your opinion. It isn't a fact that all men in all age gap relationships are creeps or predators. Stop projecting."

And that's just your opinion.

No more relevant than mine, get it.

From his behaviour I think its clear he doesn't want a baby or thinks if you have one either you'll abort or, do all of the childcare.

He's blasé because he thinks a baby would be your problem to deal with.

Stop having unprotected sex with him.
He will twist it round on you if you get pregnant.

He's not a good man.

You must have been delving into other threads by the op because she doesn't mention the length of the relationship or an abusive ex in this post.

Other posters have pointed all of op's contradictory and inconsistent threads out.

If you read the thread, you'd have seen that

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with highlighting that mens sperm quality reduces with age. We don’t pussy foot around womens declining fertility, do we? Women should be aware of the added risks from older fathers.

Nah mate. He's not keen.

Why can't you have a relationship without living together.