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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Shit - he's gonna invite his mum.

94 replies

CrumpledBankNote · 08/07/2024 17:48

So I had a chat with my BIL earlier in the week.

We've booked a holiday. BIL was hinting at maybe booking the same place and coming with his wife and their kids.

I like hanging out with my BIL & SIL. Their kids are lovely and we spend a lot of time together usually.

I text DH and said, why don't we invite them to join the same resort.

He's said yeah ok let's talk about it later. It's his DB.

The sudden horror just dawned on me that's he going to invite his mother. He's going to suggest it because she's a master manipulator, if she gets wind that we are all going together she will lay the guilt trip forevermore and demand her place too.

I won't go into the detail but I cannot be around her longer than a few hours.

What's worse - most of the time he can't stand her either. So it'll be horrific from start to finish if she comes.

What stock phrases can I use that make me sound entirely reasonable but also draw the line firmly at me not going away with her.

So far I have "she's just not someone that I would choose to spend THAT much time with" and "I don't think you could manage her for two weeks either". But I need something more diplomatic that you can't argue with.

OP posts:
TwattyMcFuckFace · 08/07/2024 17:51

Just be honest.

Say you don't really get on, so if you decide to come on holiday, don't invite your mum.

Sounds harsh, but skirting around it won't help.

cupcaske123 · 08/07/2024 17:52

Let your husband know that you've changed your mind and want to keep it to the two of you.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 08/07/2024 17:54

You just need to be really clear, honest and direct.

It’s about dynamics, it needn’t be personal against her.

Just say you had an idea that as you both have a good time hanging out with BIL and SIL it seems like a relaxed holiday but it won’t feel like that incorporating MIL into the mix. Tell him straight: you simply will not agree to sharing your holiday with MIL. And that’s that.

How do BIL and SIL feel about MIL?

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 08/07/2024 17:55

Who would invite their mother? DH or BIL?

CrumpledBankNote · 08/07/2024 17:57

cupcaske123 · 08/07/2024 17:52

Let your husband know that you've changed your mind and want to keep it to the two of you.

Good get out of jail free card!!!! Thank you.

OP posts:
CrumpledBankNote · 08/07/2024 17:59

@BoudiccaOfSuburbia This is my issue I think even if I call her the saint of all gods and that I adore her, but don't want to holiday with her - he will still take it personally.

I think DH will be the one to invite her because he is the only one who buys her guilt trips.

BIL & SIL are firmly in my camp. With not being able to stomach her nastiness for more than two hour windows.

OP posts:
Julyshouldbesunny · 08/07/2024 18:00

Surely a holiday is to get away from everyday life not take the people in that life with you???

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2024 18:00

You need to address this right now. Don't wait until after he's flapped his lips about it to his mother.

Mmhmmn · 08/07/2024 18:02

CrumpledBankNote · 08/07/2024 17:59

@BoudiccaOfSuburbia This is my issue I think even if I call her the saint of all gods and that I adore her, but don't want to holiday with her - he will still take it personally.

I think DH will be the one to invite her because he is the only one who buys her guilt trips.

BIL & SIL are firmly in my camp. With not being able to stomach her nastiness for more than two hour windows.

You, BIL and SIL outvote DH. Simples. Democratic. 🤭

Mmhmmn · 08/07/2024 18:03

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2024 18:00

You need to address this right now. Don't wait until after he's flapped his lips about it to his mother.

Flapped his lips 😂

CrumpledBankNote · 08/07/2024 18:03

@Aquamarine1029 😂😂

OP posts:
longdistanceclaraclara · 08/07/2024 18:04

Stick phrase - fuck that.

Why waste your money and time on something that will be an endurance test at best?

CrumpledBankNote · 08/07/2024 18:04

@Julyshouldbesunny 100% right but I LIKE the BIL/SIL - we've had some health shit going on and can tag team the kids. It could be fun. Just not with MIL.

OP posts:
CrumpledBankNote · 08/07/2024 18:05

@longdistanceclaraclara I would end up doing/saying something I'll live to regret.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2024 18:05

It could be fun. Just not with MIL.

Tell your husband that. If he's not adult enough to deal with his mother, you've got bigger issues.

memyselfi · 08/07/2024 18:07

By the sound of it BH & SIL probably won't come anyway if the mother tags along .

NamingConundrum · 08/07/2024 18:08
  1. Give him a choice. If he invites his mum she takes your space and you're staying home. Hold firm.

  2. tell him they can't come so lovely holiday just 2 of you. Then they show up as a surprise as available last min

  3. don't invite them and just have the 2 of you

SeaToSki · 08/07/2024 18:09

Remind him of what happens/how he felt the last time he had to spend an overnight with her. And then remind him again, and then again..in fact remind him every morning at breakfast until you think you can trust him to not invite her. Also get BiL in on the plan and he can email your DH with similar stories of the horror on a daily basis.
Focus it completely on how MIL drives DH batshit as he is less likely to argue/minimise that

CrumpledBankNote · 08/07/2024 18:12

@SeaToSki BIL has plenty of stories to share 😂

I just feel sick that she will invite herself once she knows. She BOOKED THE SAME RESORT WHEN WE WENT ON HONEYMOON and didn't say a word until the week before.

@NamingConundrum How can I say that without being the bitch though? My DH is stubborn enough to make me go through with it.

OP posts:
CarterBeatsTheDevil · 08/07/2024 18:15

She essentially came on your honeymoon with you? WOW

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 08/07/2024 18:15

CrumpledBankNote · 08/07/2024 18:12

@SeaToSki BIL has plenty of stories to share 😂

I just feel sick that she will invite herself once she knows. She BOOKED THE SAME RESORT WHEN WE WENT ON HONEYMOON and didn't say a word until the week before.

@NamingConundrum How can I say that without being the bitch though? My DH is stubborn enough to make me go through with it.

Wait have you posted other threads recently?

CoffeandTiaMaria · 08/07/2024 18:15

Why on earth would your DH invite his mother as well as his brother and SIL ?
Can’t he live without her?

NamingConundrum · 08/07/2024 18:16

Why does your MIL get to be a bitch but not you? Why does it matter? If he doesn't like it he can go stay with her 🤣

CrumpledBankNote · 08/07/2024 18:16

@CarterBeatsTheDevil That blew up and we didn't see her once thank goodness.

OP posts:
CrumpledBankNote · 08/07/2024 18:16

@Allthegoodnamesaregone1 Not recently no.

OP posts: