Shit - he's gonna invite his mum.

[CrumpledBankNote]

So I had a chat with my BIL earlier in the week.

We've booked a holiday. BIL was hinting at maybe booking the same place and coming with his wife and their kids.

I like hanging out with my BIL & SIL. Their kids are lovely and we spend a lot of time together usually.

I text DH and said, why don't we invite them to join the same resort.

He's said yeah ok let's talk about it later. It's his DB.

The sudden horror just dawned on me that's he going to invite his mother. He's going to suggest it because she's a master manipulator, if she gets wind that we are all going together she will lay the guilt trip forevermore and demand her place too.

I won't go into the detail but I cannot be around her longer than a few hours.

What's worse - most of the time he can't stand her either. So it'll be horrific from start to finish if she comes.

What stock phrases can I use that make me sound entirely reasonable but also draw the line firmly at me not going away with her.

So far I have "she's just not someone that I would choose to spend THAT much time with" and "I don't think you could manage her for two weeks either". But I need something more diplomatic that you can't argue with.

BIL & SIL are firmly in my camp. With not being able to stomach her nastiness for more than two hour windows.

Sorry @CrumpledBankNote, but it sounds like you married the wrong brother!

Do you want to be a "Bitch" or do you want to go on holiday with your MIL?
Just tell your DH its a no and if he invites her you won't be going

@CrumpledBankNote

I just feel sick that she will invite herself once she knows. She BOOKED THE SAME RESORT WHEN WE WENT ON HONEYMOON and didn't say a word until the week before.

Then nobody should tell her where you're going.

How can I say that without being the bitch though? My DH is stubborn enough to make me go through with it.

He can't make you go off you don't want to, unless he's controlling. Stubborn, is more about his own behaviour, not pressuring, forcing, coercing or guilt tripping you into it.

If you can't express that you don't want to holiday with MIL without it causing problems, then the issue here is your husband, NOT MIL.

I don't usually revert to saying it's a DH problem, but in your case it really is him. I know that may not be easy to hear.

Why would he even have told her your honeymoon resort destination? She didn't need to know. He's volunteering information when he has no need to.

Unless you stand firm and let him know that you just want it to be BIL and SIL (and their kids) then he'll do it again.

You don't need to hurt his feelings about it, just say his mum being there would change the dynamics and given she turned up at the honeymoon destination, it would be better that he doesn't mention it to her.

If you tell him in advance, he can't turn round and say he didn't know you'd have an issue with her being there and it's too late now, as she's so looking forward to it.

Just tell him if his mums going, you aren't. And mean it.

He's a grown man and he has to make big boy choices. Those have consequences.

Just because his boundaries are poor, doesn't mean yours have to be.

@CrumpledBankNote tell him- it would be lovely to holiday with BiL and SiL, the four of us get on so well.

No one else though. That would totally change the dynamic.
We don't want anyone to upset BiL and SiL. It's their holiday, they need to relax.

It really Pees me off when bored retired people try and muscle in on holidays that are really precious to working people. It's my holiday, I want it to be about what I want to do, mum. If you come it's all about you and I effectively work through my holiday looking after you.

** "How can I say that without being the bitch though? My DH is stubborn enough to make me go through with it."

Make you?! MAKE YOU?! You have a huge dh problem. He is your partner, not your master. He doesn't get to make you do anything! He needs individual counseling and you both need marriage counseling. Time to grow a backbone, OP. This whole thing is beyond dysfunctional.

"She BOOKED THE SAME RESORT WHEN WE WENT ON HONEYMOON"

People actually do this? I thought it was just in movies!

You have my deepest sympathy. ❤️

Are you ok?

What's wrong with what she said?

What exactly are you looking for?

You pull the plug now!!!

Right now and switch to a family BBQ everyone can come to. She will never forgive or forget even if you manage to not invite her. This is going to end in tears op.

I wouldn't waste any time with strategies, talks, ultimatums, discussions, tactics and all the rest of it. I'd just cancel the bloody thing and do something yourselves. BIL and SIL can take her with them. I understand that you get on great with them, but that doesn't make up for the horror of having to co habit with the mother in law from Hell either.

Not worth it. Do your own thing.

I want to hear more about the time she booked the same resort as your honeymoon 😂😂😂 I've got some brilliant MIL stories, they really are a species of their own.

If he suggested inviting her I'd make it very clear that I would be cancelling my place.

Speak to your BIL and agree not to mention the holiday to her, for all your sakes.

She will find out.

@CrumpledBankNote is right
you have a husband problem if your dynamic involves him telling you what to do and you meekly going along with it
that doesn't sound very healthy

Tell your DH that you think it should just be a family holiday for your family unit

Speak to BIL and SIL on the quiet and point out the MIL issue.

if they then happen to book same place, same time without telling you then…

Saying no to something that you are not ok with never makes you a bitch.

You are allowed to have whatever boundaries you please in your own life. I think saying no to your mother in law crashing your holiday is a perfectly reasonable boundary at that!

If you spend your whole life worrying that people will think bad of you for saying no, you'll spend your whole life living to please others.

It's your husband job to protect you from his mum. If he isn't prepared to do that...and worse, makes you out to be unreasonable to expect it, then it's time to distance yourself from him too.

But have a chat with him. Tell him he needs to resolve this issue because its a worry for you. He needs to put his foot down or you both need to plan a different holiday than the original so family don't show up.

If he's unreasonable or makes out your request is unreasonable then I'm sorry but, either he's not suitable to hold down a marriage because he's still his mums lap dog or, he's literally the same as his mum, manipulative. And wpuld rather manipulate you than grow a pair of stones.

You can't change him of course. But you can change you and what you accept. It's OK to say no. It's OK to walk away from unsupportive partners too btw. You don't owe him support for any toxic codependency with his mother. Don't firm codependencies of your own with partners who don't respect or protect your boundaries.

Has he invited her yet?
I would say 'Much as we like MIL in small doses, I do think BIL and SIL would NEVER forgive you for inviting her for two whole weeks, it'd be so much more fun with just us'

And prime BIL/SIL that you'll be saying this.

He needs therapy.... tough situation.
Book holiday with bil and sil, do not let your DH know location, so can't tell mil or you go on holiday with bil and sil and DH goes somewhere totally different with his mother. She sounds horrendous!

I would say 'I am really looking forward to this holiday but if your mum comes it won't be a holiday for me. If you are thinking about inviting her, please don't.'

If he has a bit of sense, that'll be enough. If not, you swap her place for yours and he goes with her and the kids while you assemble your waterfowl into a neat line.

We holiday every summer holiday with my parents in-law in their house abroad. They live in the UK for context. It’s a fucking nightmare every single year. We come back needing a holiday down to the stress. My FIL in particular just can’t fathom that we would want to do things/holiday without him. I wouldn’t bring it up and if she does maybe say you’ll do something as a family when you’re all back. I can imagine it being ‘her’ holiday, definitely put your foot down.

Simple - refuse to go if she is going! Life is too short to spend with people who you don’t want to be with!

Then say to him as there are 4 adults going on this holiday it needs to go to a vote as it will change everything someone will always have to be taking care/keeping her company etc if it's 4 of us we can have date nights, boys/girls nights and do what people are age are desperate to do.

Can’t his sibling tell him they refuse to have her with you? Then you don’t look like the bad guy?

"What does your DB think of holidaying with his mum?...

He doesn't know?! You have an hour to call him before I call SIL and let her know that I am being replaced by MIL!"