Relationship with a depressed partner: would you do it again?

[lounellie]

Hello everyone, first-time poster but I have been visiting Mumsnet for many years (especially this board and the AIBU board!). I signed up specifically to post this thread as I am hoping to gain some perspective and advice from this wise community.

I find myself at a crossroads in my private life where I have to decide if I want to continue a relationship with a man who has chronic depression (MDD). I am 35 and not too bothered about children if that is relevant. He is my age and we have been dating for 8 months.

While he is a lovely, lovely man who clearly loves me very much, he has been suffering from severe depression for his whole life. In the last couple of months, he has had a depression bout which made me reflect seriously on whether I can envision building a life with this person.

I feel selfish for thinking this way, but the last few months have been so tough and I don't know that I can do this again and again for a partner who is likely to have on-and-off depression forever. He takes meds and is in therapy but I would say he still struggles with managing his emotions and moods when his depression flares up. I find that our relationship becomes quite one-sided when he is so down as he doesn't have as much mental bandwidth to show up as a partner.

So my question is: if you have been or are partnered with a lovely person who suffers from severe chronic depression, would you do it again? Do you think it was/ is worth it? I'd love to understand what long-term challenges I might be signing up for if I continue this relationship and hear about other people's similar experiences.

Thank you for your advice!

No, please leave him.
I've watched my depressed brother lurch from one long term relationship to another.
It's fine in the early stages, then he falls apart, he drags the lovely women down and he never actually tackles his problems or puts effective, normal coping strategies in place.
His coping strategy is another long term relationship and in the brief gaps he leans on our mum or me.
Forget diet, exercise, medication reviews and therapy he'd rather distract himself with a partner.

Just some thoughts. I think a lot of depression is down to bring trapped . Trapped in work , a relationship or an environment. Then it's up to the individual to get out somehow , only you can do it

Then there is depression because of a life event . Then you either accept what happened and move on and know it will pass .

Then there is brooding and negative thinking which can become a habit . Then you either learn to accept what you can't change or try and change what you can . The past is gone .

Only you can help yourself other people can't or won't . Look after yourself no one else is going to.

Your thoughts display a complete lack of comprehension with regard to clinical depression: you've got it muddled up with 'feeling unhappy about specific things'.

Read up.

In choosing a partner, you are making choices about what your life, and the lives of any potential children you might have, is likely to be like. Obviously nobody has a crystal ball, but there are things which will be statistically more likely to cause difficulties in a relationship. There is nothing reprehensible about choosing a partner on the basis that you think your life will be made easier, more pleasant and less difficult by being with them. For example, choosing a partner with a toxic family is likely to cause you difficulties, even if your partner is not at all at fault. You owe nobody a relationship. Or even a date.

@Watchkeys thank you. Exactly this. Depression the clinical illness is very different to what we might describe as feeling a bit depressed meaning we’re having a bad day or thinking some negative thoughts. Being unwell is not a choice though people may make choices about what treatment they engage with.

No way.

Women should not sacrifice themselves in this way.

@Rainbow1901I hope you realise that clinical depression is magicked away by toughening up?
My life would be so much easier if that was the case.
@lounellie I wouldn’t date me. But I am fully aware I am not in the right space mentally to be dating anyone.
I have a few questions.
Do you think he was masking his depression for 6 months?
Was there a trigger/event 2 months ago?
You don't have to reply here.
Ultimately we are only responsible for ourselves and any children we may have.
A boyfriend of 8 months with such (until now) untreated depression would not be one I'd hang around for 🌻

Hi @Yougotwhatstuckwhere, thank you for your thoughtful post. I think he kept his depression secret for a couple of months yes. He shared that information with me three months in, after which I got to see that side of him a bit more. Then two months ago he had a visit from a family member with whom he has a strained relationship and they have some emotionally heavy conversations that seem to have set his depression off. Since then, he has been having some ups and downs thanks to the medications but his mood has been mostly negative/ angry/ depressed.

Absolutely not. Sorry.

My exh used his mental health issues as an excuse for a whole host of dreadful behaviour and it ended up with my being in therapy. It was such a lonely long time.

No, agreed it can't be magicked away but it has plenty of options for treatment all of which can improve your symptoms and minimize their impact on your life.

Depression is different to physical illness though. The persons personality can utterly change away from the one that attracted you in the first place. Life is too short to end up with someone that can't make you happy even if it's not their fault.

@lounellie it does seem like he was trying hide it then. That's quite disingenuous imo.
I understand there may not be a 'right time' necessarily to discuss your mental health problems, but three months of covering, then a few months of him not , then a huge dip is not a great sign. Did he only get help because you suggested it?

Thank you and you’re not overstepping. Still together because I love him and we have had a long history together. He isn’t abusive but mental illness is hard. Really hard. When things are good though he’s the funniest kindest most whip sharp person I know. I still love just hanging out with him and we’ve been together 14 yrs. I know he’d do the same for me if I was ill. I know it’s a lot worse for him than me. But if this was a new relationship I would not be staying.
And I’m ok - we have good family and good friends which helps

That's good. The benefits outweigh the draw backs I'm sure.

I didn't realise how life draining it is was being with seriously depressive partners until I had a long time to reflect on it afterwards. Both my chronically severely depressive (male) partners weren't good at seeking help and my world got smaller and smaller. Different situation from you as we lived together from quite earlier on and one I was married to. I would not get into a relationship like that ever again as it's so unbalanced.

My wife has some difficulties with anxiety and depression and has had a period when we were together where it was severe due to external stressors. She's also autistic so has a different coping style. But she does everything she needs to take care of herself emotionally, can identify when there is a problem and has a number of coping strategies thet work really well for and comfort her. We moved to live close to her family who are really supportive. I feel really confident we can weather any storm and she appreciates me. So it totally depends on the person I reckon

It sounds from everything you said you want out but feel bad for thinking that. It's ok to feel that way. Maybe he doesn't actually have the skills/ capacity to maintain a relationship at the moment

I think you really hit the nail on the head @Pieandchips999. It is possible to be with someone who struggles with mental health but takes full responsibility/ ownership in order to minimize the fallout on the people around them. When someone's mental health is out of control though, it is really hard to be there for someone without paying the price for their illness. It is very tough.

Adding to the chorus of no votes on here. I'm married with a DS and so in for the long haul now but if I'd known I would have ended things at the start.

Although H is also quite selfish and it's difficult to know where the depression ends and the selfishness starts if you see what I mean? Maybe if he was depressed but keen for it not to impact me then I might feel differently?

It is horrible. My solution is to never be home.

@lounellie yes been there and only when I ended it did I realise that I was actually carrying so much tension in my body that's why I was locked up everywhere. It sadly doesn't sound like he's actually up to being in a relationship at the moment and you have the right to meet your own needs not just everybody else's

No, I married one. His anxiety and depression were far less evident in the early days. Once DD was born they really spiraled. He was unable /unwilling to hold down a job and in the end it felt like I was caring for 2 children. He took the shine off every happy occasion. We’ve been divorced 6 years and I live with my new DP but my ex is currently having another breakdown and in an effort to prevent him ending up homeless myself and my wider family are rallying around to provide support. It’s a bit shit.

I want an equal partner and wouldn’t risk settling down with someone who I was worried wouldn’t be able to reciprocate care and love for me fully.

Wow. I've suffered from major depressive disorder since childhood and it's an illness, not a personality flaw! If your partner responds well to treatment (medication and therapy), why not stay with him?

Firstly, my ex wouldnt engage in that despite me offering support and encouragement so what do you suggest I should have done?

Secondly, noone is suggesting its a personality flaw but it can indeed change someone's personality and he treated me badly and took all his frustrations out on me as a result.

I shouldnt have to sacrifice my own wellbeing to stay with someone out of "kindness"- what about my mental health, is that not important too?

OP said he already is taking meds and having therapy and the issues still remain. People can leave relationships for any reason they choose, noone is obliged to stay with anyone and certainly not after only 8 months of dating. It might be different if they were married and had been together for years.

No one is suggesting it is a personality flaw. But depression does affect your personality and mood.

Depression doesn't always respond to meds. There can be relapses, worsening, etc.

Anyone has the right to refuse to have a relationship with anyone and for any reason.

If major depression is something a person decides they can't live with then there's nothing wrong with saying no to that.

Maybe it's about knowing ones own limitations rather than judging the depressed person.

No I wouldn’t. My wife suffers from depression and anxiety and I honestly find it draining at times. She’s had counselling and been on meds at times but it doesn’t always circle back around. I’ve lost friends over it (if she didn’t like them it made her anxious me seeing them), it impacts almost any events in the run up to it (I can set my clock to when it will “start up” on the run up to a holiday), there’s a lot of them where I feel like the burden of her mental health falls on my shoulders. It drags me down a lot.

I just felt that so much negativity was being expressed on this thread that I had to speak up.

Of course it's horrendously difficult and draining to live with someone who suffers from depression. The only way I would consider doing it myself is if the depressed person was 100% committed to taking their antidepressants and undergoing therapy.