Relationship with a depressed partner: would you do it again?

[lounellie]

Hello everyone, first-time poster but I have been visiting Mumsnet for many years (especially this board and the AIBU board!). I signed up specifically to post this thread as I am hoping to gain some perspective and advice from this wise community.

I find myself at a crossroads in my private life where I have to decide if I want to continue a relationship with a man who has chronic depression (MDD). I am 35 and not too bothered about children if that is relevant. He is my age and we have been dating for 8 months.

While he is a lovely, lovely man who clearly loves me very much, he has been suffering from severe depression for his whole life. In the last couple of months, he has had a depression bout which made me reflect seriously on whether I can envision building a life with this person.

I feel selfish for thinking this way, but the last few months have been so tough and I don't know that I can do this again and again for a partner who is likely to have on-and-off depression forever. He takes meds and is in therapy but I would say he still struggles with managing his emotions and moods when his depression flares up. I find that our relationship becomes quite one-sided when he is so down as he doesn't have as much mental bandwidth to show up as a partner.

So my question is: if you have been or are partnered with a lovely person who suffers from severe chronic depression, would you do it again? Do you think it was/ is worth it? I'd love to understand what long-term challenges I might be signing up for if I continue this relationship and hear about other people's similar experiences.

Thank you for your advice!

Totally agree, that’s where the hard decision is. In my situation we had been bumpy for years. If it’s out of the blue, you are not been physically or mentally harmed and the other person is committed to working on getting better then it’s not as easy to walk away. Even in my situation where I knew that whatever happened when he started to feel better we still weren’t 100% it was very, very hard to walk away.

Just to add 8 months in and 2 months problems….its an easy one to call. I care for you but I can’t do this 🤷🏼‍♀️ protect yourself.

If I could go back in time knowing how life is now with my depressed husband, then I'd have walked away when I was younger. The majority of the time, he is happy and coping, but when the depressive episodes hit, it's tiring and affects my mental health.
But we are married two decades into a relationship, and I did mean my vows when I said them.

It's only been 8 months, and you are young. You need to live your life for you.

Thank you for the lovely reply @yellowsmileyface. You bring up very good points.

I think part of my struggle is that I have never experienced mental illness myself nor in someone close to me, and therefore it took some time to figure out what depression meant. When being first told me he suffered from depression I didn't realize how complex and challenging this illness is, so I continued the relationship with optimism that therapy and meds would be a simple answer to the problem.

However, the more I get to know the "depressed side" of him, the more I realize how deeply entrenched in his personality and mind the illness is. It informs a lot of his worldviews and opinions, it is almost like a side of his identity if that makes sense. That is now stuff you can easily change with therapy I am afraid

Gosh lots of typos in my previous post, I apologize!! I typed from my phone so didn't double check properly.

Might it be worth looking into why you would feel guilty to leave someone when it becomes clear they cannot meet your needs? You've been conditioned, somewhere in your childhood, that the right thing to do is meet the other person's needs, to the expense of your own. Could this have been one of your parents? I'll parent? Addict? Parental disharmony? Demanding sibling who got all the limelight?

Trouble with depression is it changes their personality, they can become aggressive and sullen. Not to mention their partner's needs become irrelevant. One ends up carrying the other.

This. Obviously it's different if a long-term partner starts to suffer from depression, but choosing to get into a new relationship like this - no way.

Reading this as someone who’s had a diagnosis of severe depression to the point of needing admission several times is awful. There is an overwhelming response that people with depression are damaging to their partners and even people expressing the opinion that you shouldn’t have children with someone who’s been depressed.

I have a couple of thoughts. Firstly, a fear that my own partner and children feel this way, that all those guilty thoughts I’ve had that I’m bad for them might be true.

Secondly, I’m angry. I am more than my illness. By all means choose not to be with someone because of how they behave or how they are towards you or how you feel. But saying that you shouldn’t be with anyone with a major depressive disorder? Really? How discriminatory is that? To assume that all people with a specific illness will behave in the same harmful way? I think that’s appalling. Would you say you shouldn’t be a parent if you have a history of cancer because if it returns you might be ill with treatment and not able to care for your children as you’d like?

I’m not perfect. My illness isn’t easy for me or my family. We find ways to support each other and to look after each other, we plan for how to cope with periods of illness when I’m well. Just as we would if I had any other illness. And most of the time I’m well. My illness does not define me. It does not automatically make me a selfish person as some here suggest.

Id suggest judging each person on their own behaviour and personality and thinking about what you want and how you feel. If they behave selfishly, or if they are consistently negative about you, that’s a reason not to be with them, whether that’s due to illness or not. But please don’t advise discrimination on the basis of a diagnosis - I’d really hope we’ve moved past that.

And to anyone else with a diagnosis of depression - be reassured it doesn’t automatically make you an unfit partner or parent as many here suggest.

Bluntly, he had no business dating and starting a relationship if he's only just now started to seek treatment. None at all.

You aren't and shouldn't feel expected to be part of his rehabilitation programme.

I suffered from major depression and was hospitalised more than 5 times during my marriage and it was a big factor in my DH leaving me
I would have left me too, as it literally robbed me of my personality
Much to my surprise my DC weren't affected because I went through the motions.
I'm sorry, but he will drag you down with him eventually and you're only dating

Thank you for your posts @Normallynumb. Can I ask you what you mean by depression "robbing you of your personality"? Were you aware of this while you suffered or did you only realize it after recovering? Thanks again

Get out. He'll drain the joy out of you

Yes of course
By robbing me of my personality I mean I had no interest in anything and no enjoyment in life. Couldn't eat sleep or laugh
I was literally a shell, couldn't make even minor decisions about what food to buy
Complete contrast to my well self where I am described as interested in people, warm kind and witty
I have to say after 8 months I think it's a case of being cruel to be kind... to yourself
I also think it's unreasonable of him to be looking to date with his condition as it's so unfair on you
I'd also suggest that at 8 months, you are now seeing how entrenched he is in his depression
I'm really sorry, but please think about what's in it for you

Yes, I was aware of feeling that at the time, but the depression had me powerless to break out despite medication
I attended a day hospital at the time, mainly to give everyone a break

I hear you and see you, if that makes sense. Thank you.

My son has depression and at present we are going through a mental health crisis. His illness doesn't define him. I believe he is the bravest, kindest and funny person I know. He has to fight the daily thought to end his life, the disease is so painful. He has traught me compression and a great understanding of mental health.

Lots of sound advice on here.
Sadly you have to be selfish and do what is right for you. Relationships end for all sorts of reasons but it is probably more difficult when someone suffers from a life altering condition.
Having suffered from depression and anxiety for much of my adult life (& had other close relatives suffering from it), life is really tough for everyone.
Only you can make the final call but do not feel 'guilty' for walking away because you cannot manage his illness. You only stay because you are right for each other!
You don't know who might be waiting round the corner for either of you!
Good luck 🍀

It's the fact that you are questioning it that makes me think it might not be right for you, not the fact that he has depression.

My partner has chronic depression but it's never made me question whether I want to stay with him. I'm happy with him anyway and love him.

When you start questioning the relationship then you know you're not really happy.

Nope, too draining, find another.

This is me too. DP is much more empathetic than he used to be and has high EI from all the therapy, but is also demanding and selfish in many ways.
I don't think I'd rule out a long term relationship, but would never marry or live permanently with someone with depression. It's too hard too often.

This is what is so unfair about living with someone has depression issues and never seems to want to get better. Should the worse happen - you will be the person who will be left feeling guilty - that you should have done things differently. It won't matter to him - he won't be here to see what he does to the people around him and in my view this makes him very selfish.
I can see it from the depression viewpoint too as I have suffered with depression after cancer and subsequently with family estrangement and got through it with one time with medication and the second time with therapy.
You have to want to live a life without depression - that means a down day is just that - we all have them but we also have to toughen up and think that tomorrow is another day and try not to let yesterday colour today.
I admit a lot of people can't do this but then a lot of people just need a boot up the backside and told to get on with it. But then I'll be told I am being unsympathetic - I'm not - I'm being realistic.

No, I wouldn't. I was with exDP for a decade. He didn't want to seek help and refused to take meds, so we existed on the merry go round of his illness which impacted on absolutely everything, including finances and my own health, because he was so awful to live with.

He frequently threatened to kill himself and it was only when I spoke to someone who made me realise that if he did, that would be a choice he'd made and not my responsibility, that I finally left him. My life has improved immeasurably since.

No I wouldn't. My ExDH boss & friend had depression and ended up taking his life. He left wife and two girls behind. They went through absolute hell and many financial struggles.

You should absolutely finish the relationship and find happiness elsewhere. You are not being selfish. There are lots of relationships where you have no choice but to support through this - if it's your child, your sibling, your parent. In this relationship you have a choice and you should make it now at this point. You are under no commitment, you try one life. Choose your own happiness.

Bucking the trend somewhat, but it wouldn't be a blanket 'no' from me. I met my husband when he was already having treatment for moderately serious depression. We've been together over 30 years now and I don't regret marrying him despite his depression worsening. Sometimes I feel sad for him, that he has suffered more than half his life with the 'black dog'; sometimes I'm worried his suicidal ideation is spiking upwards, which isn't great for either of us, and sometimes I have bouts of 'compassion fatigue' and can provide only minimal support. But overall, we've still managed to have a good life together, we still manage to laugh and we still love each other deeply.

BUT! There are certain things that make this pervasive disease survivable in a relationship, IMO:

• He doesn't get angry, treat me badly or use any kind of emotional blackmail. His negative emotions are always turned inwards.
• He's my biggest cheerleader, celebrating my achievements and supporting me when I'm having a bad time.
• I've never wanted children, so have never had to worry about the impact on them.
• He complies with treatment 100%.

I'm not going to pretend it's easy, because it's not. Could I have had an easier life? In some ways, maybe. But it wouldn't have been with this man I know and love, and there are no guarantees it would have been a better life. I'm not saying I'd be adding "must be depressed!" to any future dating profiles if I ever find myself in that situation. But with the right man, with an inherently kind personality, insight into the impact his illness can have on others and a willingness to engage with treatment, it can work.

Only you know if this could be the right man, OP. And if he's not, you're absolutely right to walk away, for any reason at all.