Relationship with a depressed partner: would you do it again?

[lounellie]

Hello everyone, first-time poster but I have been visiting Mumsnet for many years (especially this board and the AIBU board!). I signed up specifically to post this thread as I am hoping to gain some perspective and advice from this wise community.

I find myself at a crossroads in my private life where I have to decide if I want to continue a relationship with a man who has chronic depression (MDD). I am 35 and not too bothered about children if that is relevant. He is my age and we have been dating for 8 months.

While he is a lovely, lovely man who clearly loves me very much, he has been suffering from severe depression for his whole life. In the last couple of months, he has had a depression bout which made me reflect seriously on whether I can envision building a life with this person.

I feel selfish for thinking this way, but the last few months have been so tough and I don't know that I can do this again and again for a partner who is likely to have on-and-off depression forever. He takes meds and is in therapy but I would say he still struggles with managing his emotions and moods when his depression flares up. I find that our relationship becomes quite one-sided when he is so down as he doesn't have as much mental bandwidth to show up as a partner.

So my question is: if you have been or are partnered with a lovely person who suffers from severe chronic depression, would you do it again? Do you think it was/ is worth it? I'd love to understand what long-term challenges I might be signing up for if I continue this relationship and hear about other people's similar experiences.

Thank you for your advice!

No way. It’s a bit different of someone develops depression part way through a long term relationship but I’d never get with a guy with a known history of it. It’s a massive massive thing to deal with and puts a huge halt on your own life

Maybe it’s my bad luck but all of my major relationships have been with men who have depression / low mood. I think they were looking for someone who on paper could cope as they had all had very serious (in two cases, marriage and two kids levels of seriousness) previous relationships that had ended horribly badly. However, I am just not cut out for managing or dealing with these sorts of things in my home life (it’s my bread and butter at work, now, oddly) and I ended the relationships - the first two took me 3 years to leave, the second just over a year after things got bad and the third was about a year but most of that was in the pandemic and we weren’t living together. My paternal grandfather, my dad and my brother all have/ had terribly poor mental health and the effects clearly have caused me to accidentally seek out men like them but equally I find myself unable to cope. So I’ve been single for almost four years now and no plans to be otherwise as I’ve no £ to spend on therapy so easier and simpler to just avoid.

35 is quite young to be feeling like this, so I don't think this relationship has much longevity.

I would be concerned on your part how much of your life you'll spend dealing with not only your problems, but trying to soothe him as well. It will weigh you down, and I read something a while ago about when people partner up with a depressed person, the depressed person doesn't really improve that much. Instead, their depression ends up dragging down the both of them.

Also, you say you're not bothered about having kids, but sometimes it takes finding the right partner to trigger those feelings. They might never develop if you live in someone else;s grey cloud.

I have just split with my kids dad. He suffered with depression and alcohol issues all of the relationship and no I don't think I could do it again. I wanted to help him and stand by him but in the end it sucked the soul out of me. I became resentful and snappy. Stressed and overwhelmed by everything. I still love him but his mood and outlook on everything was draining. In the end all we did was argue. I couldn't do it again

Goodness no. I would ask you to consider why you think this is ok? The start of a relationship should be fun and sexy but you are already lonely and unseen and limited.
To happen after a previously successful relationship is one thing but to start like this is no good. While he may improve he may also worsen.

I would say. GET OUT!!!

Nope. My husband has depression and I wouldn't do it again. I also had a stepdad with bad MH and that was tough. The fact that your considering you might be selfish for not wanting to live like that is a big red flag that you are on the start of the slippery slope that ends with all your needs being disregarded while you support someone who's always more needy than you.

To add another perspective, you say you’ve been together 8 months. The first 6 months of most relationships are lovely, you’re both showing each other your absolute best sides and you’re hopped up on happy love hormones. It’s possible that what’s happening now is that the love hormones are fading (normal) and you’re finding out who he really is.

OP, I would really question your own mental health and upbringing that you would have so little self love as to contemplate such a future.

Under ANY circumstances such a man is not to be inflicted on children.

Growing up in a home with a depressive is a very confusing, stressful childhood.

However nice he may be, save yourself.

I skipped over this.

8 months!! I thought you might have been with him a few years! If it's wearing you down now, it will only increase with time.

No, my mum has been depressed all her life and it was no picnic for my dad (or us kids when younger) so absolute no from me

My DP has depression/annxiety and a history of substance abuse. However, he has always been very thoughtful of the impact his anxiety may have on me, has repeatedly said that I’d be better off without him etc and understands the impact that these things have on a partner.

We’ve both had our DCs with previous partners and spend most of our time as just the two of us, so it wouldn’t impact anyone else anyway, but if it ever got to a point where the negative outweighed the positives then obviously I’d have to reconsider, but at the moment it just involves a lot of reassurance that he’s not a burden, supporting him emotionally and being very open and honest with our communication. Fortunately for me, his way of coping with it is to keep busy and try to be very methodical and organised, so it doesn’t lead to an extra burden on me re practical jobs etc as I’d struggle due to physical limitations. If he were to leave me because my physical health caused me to restrict my activities I’d be gutted and I feel the same about his mental health.

No - absolutely not. My DP has mental health problems- anxiety,depression,PTSD, alcohol dependence—and while I won’t leave him I would not do it again. You lose yourself completely. You always put your needs last. You never get a minute’s headspace without worry. The walking on eggshells, the looking forward to an occasion that will eventually get ruined by his mental state, the constant disappointments. If I’d had children I’d have left years ago.
Leave while you can. There’s someone out there who actually wants to enjoy a life with you not just endure it.

I’ve done it and I would never do it again.

No

I'm really sorry for overstepping and I hope you see it as it is intended - concerned for you and your wellbeing.

If you aren't married and have no children, why stay?

Another voice for no way here. It feels unkind to say, but I think I saw someone else post about watch out for bad childhood stories and I sadly agree now. Which is cruel as it's not their fault, but my goodness it's hard to work through and sucks you under with it.

Well done to the partners that do cope and support. It's not easy as depression is so inherently selfish.

Iv had 2 close friends married to men with severe depression. I've seen them at breaking point with worry and stress. I'd say get out now before you get in too deep. Depresion doesn't just go away. It always reappears down the line. Often each episode seems worse than the one before. One friend had to take her DC and stay with her Mum each time her DH got depressed.

Leave. Find a happy man.

No. A relationship should be something that adds something significant to your life, early days especially you should be happy and enjoying each others time, not tolerating the scraps he is capable of handing out due to his depression and feeling lonely. You don’t owe him anything and you don’t need to come up with any better reason for breaking up than it’s not meeting your needs and adding to your life. You don’t need to be “kind” or justify your breakup to him or anyone. Just tell him it’s over. He is responsible for himself - he is not your responsibility.

Prioritise yourself and your needs.

No. Absolutely not. My view may be skewed because I used to work in psych and so dealt with people with severe MH issues all day (which I enjoyed from a therapeutic pov) but to do that at work all day and then come home and do it there too would have been far too much for me to cope with.

I think it can work but context is everything here. There is a danger when one person is unwell that you get set into "roles"- one person being the one with needs and the other being the cheerleader/support. That may work for a time but the danger comes when the support person has needs themselves (as everyone does from time to time) and they arent met because the other person is unable to step up to support them. Thats when the relationship becomes unbalanced, one sided, and resentment sets in for the person who never gets support who ends up feeling isolated, lonely and that they are constantly giving out and never getting anything back. Relationships need to be reciprocal for both people to feel loved. That doesnt always have to be 50/50 all the time but if its one person giving all the time and the other taking then it will breed misery.

So, depends if he is able to support you at all or if it's very one sided. Personally, I feel that if someone is chronically depressed to the point they are unable to offer any support whatsoever to their partner then it's probably best they remain single and focus on their recovery. Its different if you are already married and someone becomes depressed of course, but seeking out a relationship in the throes of deep depression is not a great idea for either person.

Two of you can be miserable or one of you. One of you has to be better right ?

Absolutely not. End it with as much grace as you can. But end it.

ps
And think carefully about the children thing. I thought I didn’t want them at your age. Was with a partner who definitely did not want them. We later split up and I regretted being ‘guided’ by him. I’m 60 now and regret being childless. Not massively. I have a very nice life. But I do think it was a mistake.

I'd get out now.

XH had bouts of depression. It was such hard work when he did and he made me feel it was my fault, and that I couldn't be happy around him.

Dragged me down no end.

No, and I will never, ever do it again.

My ex was depressed and the entire relationship was miserable for me. I was never allowed to feel sad about anything as he always had it worse, got no support, everything was seen through a negative lens. It was the most soul sucking relationship I've ever been in and I felt utterly alone the entire time.

Never again.