Relationship with a depressed partner: would you do it again?

[lounellie]

Hello everyone, first-time poster but I have been visiting Mumsnet for many years (especially this board and the AIBU board!). I signed up specifically to post this thread as I am hoping to gain some perspective and advice from this wise community.

I find myself at a crossroads in my private life where I have to decide if I want to continue a relationship with a man who has chronic depression (MDD). I am 35 and not too bothered about children if that is relevant. He is my age and we have been dating for 8 months.

While he is a lovely, lovely man who clearly loves me very much, he has been suffering from severe depression for his whole life. In the last couple of months, he has had a depression bout which made me reflect seriously on whether I can envision building a life with this person.

I feel selfish for thinking this way, but the last few months have been so tough and I don't know that I can do this again and again for a partner who is likely to have on-and-off depression forever. He takes meds and is in therapy but I would say he still struggles with managing his emotions and moods when his depression flares up. I find that our relationship becomes quite one-sided when he is so down as he doesn't have as much mental bandwidth to show up as a partner.

So my question is: if you have been or are partnered with a lovely person who suffers from severe chronic depression, would you do it again? Do you think it was/ is worth it? I'd love to understand what long-term challenges I might be signing up for if I continue this relationship and hear about other people's similar experiences.

Thank you for your advice!

No I wouldn’t. My DH didn’t have depression when we met and some situations set it off after we got married and had two kids (10 years after we got together). It was hell, he turned into a self absorbed dickhead not caring about anything else because he’s depressed and I had to pick up all the slack for two years while he got his meds sorted and counselling and got better. You’re now going in with your eyes wide open, don’t do it, what if it never gets better and all you get are glimpses of him and how good it could be, and most of the time you get someone who will suck all the energy out of you

No way. One of my parents has mental health and addiction issues. They are the most self-centred person I've ever met.

My heart breaks for my other parent, who loves life yet is dragged down by this misery. I wish they would leave but they won't.

You only get one life. Get out of there and find someone who will enjoy it all with you.

So much amazing advice here, wish I had come across this thread a few years ago.

If you are not past the point of no return, in terms of investment and commitment to the relationship, then you need to walk away now. You are blessed that this has come to light now before you have financial ties and/or children.

Feeling guilty is a completely human emotion, and I think that's exacerbated by the current climate of awareness and support for mental health conditions, which is long overdue.

But, and this is the but, depression is a very self involved illness, which means you are not getting your needs met. Without the solid foundation of a shared history, I don't think that your new partner has capacity for a relationship right now.

It is also incredibly contagious. That's something people don't talk about much.
Read Julie Birchall's candid account of caring for her son and the wilderness of loss after his death (in the Guardian).

My last partner suffered a major depressive episode after 18 months of me living in his house. The negative thought loops that he became stuck in inevitably turned him on me. It then became clear to me what had happened with his first marriage (which ended after a bad episode where he was hospitalised) and possibly even his second.

He was such a gentle loving person beforehand, and living with him was effortless and warm, but he turned on me, almost overnight and I was blindsided by it.

Just over a year after we split, he passed away as a result of his condition.

If I could take myself back to where you are, without ties or commitment, I would leave before such emotional damage was inflicted. I was completely out of my depth and thought if I was kind and loving I could make it ok. We women so often find ourselves in that position. But I couldn't, and the sense of failure was as palpable as the guilt.

You still have a lot of your life ahead of you so choose wisely.

Why don't you say to him, this relationship as it is, isn't what i need. Explain that you are young, want someone who can travel, go out, have fun, meet people.

So why doesn't he take some time out and get in touch when he is ready for a bit more life, see where you are.

You might have moved on by then, he might have changed his mind who knows. Surely better than this limbo.

You don't enter a new relationship with "in sickness and in health" that's a vow you commit to in marriage. And whilst you no longer are bound by this divorce is still a procedure. It's not a starting point basically.

Hi @frozendaisy, your advice is very good. I might just do that but I have to be careful because he could still have more bouts down the line. Him getting better now isn't a guarantee of the future sadly.

Thank you so much for your comment @Figomamma, your experience resonates a lot.

The bit about him passing away as a result of his condition terrifies me. He has had suicidal thoughts for many years (but never acted on them) and the possibility of him having a worse crisis down the line and acting on it makes me panic. Can't even think about it but maybe I should take this element into consideration too.

Your description of the relationship resonates with the last two months of mine. He has good moments when he is back to being reasonable, thoughtful and caring, but also a lot of bad moments that are draining and exhausting.

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied on this thread so far. Your experience and thoughts are so valuable to me and great food for thought.

I know a number of people who have partners or are married to people with depression. The impact on those who have to live with a depressed partner is huge. One has finally split from her partner and I feel relieved for her.

I lived with someone with it and ended up catching it. Briefly tf.

Your job first and foremost is to protect your mental health.

Tbf, I was working long shifts at the time in winter and not getting much daylight too but I've had hard times before and since and never felt depressed.

I think tbf, its maybe doable if you stay living seperate. And step away a bit during one of their depressive episodes.

But...it sounds like it's already excruciating for you so, I wouldn't continue. Choose your sanity.

I lived with someone with it and ended up catching it. Briefly tf

Yes! It's weird how you catch it. But its not that surprising - when every achievement you make is considered nothing, nothing you do is worthy of anything but scorn or derision because the world is so dark you start to take that on board yourself, its awful. You start to feel like you can't express joy or appreciation for anything because then you are being "insensitive" so the world you perceived previously full of colour turns into grey and those messages you hear over and over again start to really affect you.

I refuse to feel guilty for feeling joyful in certain moments, it isnt insensitive, it's an important part of the human experience. It's just as wrong to scold someone for feeling happiness as it is to scold someone for feeling sad.

I'm another one who would not go into a new relationship with someone with mental health difficulties.

I speak as someone with a close family member with severe and longstanding difficulties, and also my DH has been affected by anxiety and depression, for the last 8/9 years.

Growing up it was always them that was taken into account and now a lot of the decisions I make are with that person in mind. I will be there for them no matter what, but it's very exhausting and monotonous.

My DH has changed so much, and while he can still have the odd joke or fun times, it's incredibly difficult to see the pain he's in constantly. I have no intention of leaving but I have had to learn how to alter my behaviour as I know he doesn't have the ability to do the same.

It feels quite hypocritical of me to tell you to get out when I'm planning on continuing, but the context is that we've been married for more than 2 decades and together almost 3.

It's a horrible decision for you to make and I don't envy you at all.

It really is horrible and feels so unfair. After being single for years I finally found someone that I fell for and who fell for me, and then depression kicks in and messes everything up. The fact that I can't really "blame" him makes it even harder, as I know he means well and it is not his fault.

Thank you for your comment :)

@lounellie

For you to live in fear of someone's potential for suicide is just awful. You are not alone in feeling like that as his partner; it's a real taboo though.

Even though I was distanced from it when it eventually happened, and that protected me from some of the emotional fallout, there is still the intense guilt, shame and feeling blamed that is incredibly destructive. I couldn't bring myself to go to his funeral because I felt his family would blame me. So I couldn't even grieve properly for someone that I loved and lived with for over 2 years, someone that I was closer to on a physical and emotional level to most people at the funeral.

None of this is your fault, it's the illness and you must look after yourself.

It's a difficult question to answer.

My son has low mood with suicidal intent for 8 months, he's made 2 attempts on his life. It's heartbreaking, scary and frigtening. I can't begin to imagine how it is for him. He's a lovely, caring and funny man and this illness has entered our lives. He lives at home. In the last month - I've seen that the meds, therapy etc are begining to work. There are glimmers of hope.

I hope that one day this illness (depression) leaves and that my son can manage and has the right skills in place to survive the heavy storm of depression when it hits.

I hope one day he mets a loving parnter who can partner him through the storms but also benefit from how wonderful, caring, loving and funny he is.

It's not an easy journey, only you really know the answer. My DH has depression as well. I have a great support network, have therapy myself and have learnt that kindness, love and self care is essential.

Hi OP,
I have posted recently as been through something very similar, split with my partner of 4.5 years, the straw that broke the camels back was his deteriorating mental health. When I met him he was very closed, very emotionless, a few things have happened over the past years that triggered PTSD in him, I did everything to try and support, I was walking on egg shells for probably about a year, he finally got help in the form of medication and therapy but by that time I was a nervous wreck, I ended up not being able to sleep when we stayed together as he would constantly snap at me, I started having panic attacks when I knew we were spending time together, I was so on edge. I ended it after he went awol for 11 days saying his heart wasn’t in anything. He knows I support him and acknowledges how difficult he is to be around. It’s been a horrendous couple of months since we split as I feel so guilty BUT I’ve never slept so well 🤷🏼‍♀️
I would recommend distancing yourself before it really starts to affect you 💕

What relationship? You only see him once a week. You are not responsible for him . If you want to leave the relationship then leave .

Absolutely not.
Been there. Done that.
Thank god I got out before he dragged me down with him. It was one of the worst periods of my entire life. When I ended it, he tried to guilt me into staying, blaming his mental health and saying it wasn't his fault.
Well, it wasn't my fault either and I deserved to have some happiness in my life.

Not judging anyone but what happens if you have been in a happy relationship for years and one of you suddenly becomes depressed due to ill health or a traumatic life event ? Surely that's not a reason to leave a long standing relationship or marriage?

It may be a reason, and it is a reason to leave an 8 month one.

I wouldn't do it again no. It's been 14 years now with ups and downs but I would choose a different life if I could do it again.

You've only been together for 8 months, and the past two months have not been good. You shouldn't have to face these sorts of challenges so early on. You might feel a sense of commitment to him at the moment, but at 8 months you're not that committed or tied to him. You shouldn't feel guilty about deciding this isn't what you wanted, and leaving. I know it's easier said than done because you care about him, but you have to look out for yourself first and foremost.

You've mentioned you've not really suffered mental health issues yourself, so perhaps you feel you're strong enough to handle his depression. But as others have pointed out, it really is contagious. Depression makes everything feel bleak, grey, and pointless, and when you're with someone who's experiencing that, that bleakness starts to seep into your own life, and it becomes impossible to feel positive about anything anymore.

Please don't feel selfish or guilty for having these doubts. It sounds like you've really supported him over the past few months and given the relationship a valid effort, you're not being unreasonable or unfair to decide this isn't the life you want going forward.

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/

Completely different, surely be to God you can see that?

She is 35, and 8 months in with a man suffering a condition that could seriously impact her mental health and a condition that should prevent her having children with him.
They are getting to know one another and it has hugely impacted her already.

It would be complete madness to sacrifice her future like this.
Madness and deeply sad.

I cannot see any connection whatsoever with a partner of many many years developing issues and needing support.

Likewise if a partner REFUSES to get help long term, then I don't believe you need to sacrifice your future.

I say this as someone married decades, dotted with ill health on both sides.

@Venice241

Of course I can see it in the op case , but I based my post on some of the replies to this thread .