Boyfriend has taken a job away without consulting me

[sheenaisapunkrocker]

I've been with my Bf for 2.5 years, we don't live together. He works short term contracts on various jobs, but has worked only sporadically throughout our relationship. Recently he has been offered a job as a freelance event manager, which takes him away for a month at a time, but the contracts are back to back. He didn't consult me about this, or consider the effect of being away for long periods on our relationship. It's all come out over the last week that he has contracts lined up until the autumn and won't be around. I'm heartbroken that A) he's going to be away so much and B) that it didn't occur to him to think about me in this decision. He says he needs to take all contracts for a year to get established, but then might be able to be more choosy and have some gaps. He says he needs to think about being more financially secure for his future.

For context, he has a long history of working away/overseas in short term jobs and doesn't have a career as such - it's been various different things. He's enjoyed a very free-form life, never been married or lived with anyone. I was led to believe that he's at a point where he wants to have a long term relationship and a more settled life. Current behaviour says otherwise.

I love him and we've had a lovely 2.5 years. This has come suddenly and unexpectedly. Is it worth trying to make it work?

No.

Sorry.

In my experience, men who work away from home make great boyfriends but aren't husband material so I guess it depends what you want.

Or yes go out and visit. Is this a big deal if you dont live together and dont have kids?

How old are you both? If he’s 25 then he’s doing the right thing. 35 not so much if you want a family. He’s going the right thing for him but probably not your relationship -ultimately it’s your decision. I’d walk away.

The fact that he didn't think to discuss it with you even if he has no choice shows he's not committed to you, sorry

He really should have consulted you about his plans.

But it's great that he's not idle and that he is a grafter.

Only you will know if you will be OK and will be able to handle his work patterns.

Some people would love it, others would absolutely hate it.

How old are you both? This is crucial, as @Thelondonone said.

THIS.

Also OP you write:

He says he needs to think about being more financially secure for HIS future.

So he is thinking of his future and not your future as a couple.

He's a freelancer. He has to take the contracts as and when they come. What would you have done if he had consulted you, you had objected, and he'd then turned around and said "Tough, I need the work?"

I dated someone who did this. We had been together for about 2 years. He had been planning to take a job 1000 miles away for weeks and not once let me know until he had all his plans in place. The fact he hid it from me really told me everything- he wasn’t committed at all to me.

I'm sorry op but his actions here tell you all you need to know, even if it's heartbreaking. He hasn't been viewing your relationship the same way you have.

Get rid of him, he's not committed to you.

We're 50.

I have a career and a teenage child from my previous marriage. He has no kids, no family.

He wants me to visit him as he travels round the country. Sometimes I will be able to, sometimes I won't (my own commitments as a parent to a 14 year old and work)

Op in this case I think he is doing the right thing. He needs a secure financial future regardless of what happens between the two of you.

Why on earth wouldn't you be able to visit him?

I honestly don't know.

It depends how you want the relationship to be.

I'd have a serious conversation and how ridiculous it was to not even consult you and what you want out of life. It doesn't matter if he needed the job etc he could have at least told you first this is what I plan to do and why. Informing you after is out of order unless its a casual relationship.

Take it from there.

Personally I’d distance myself.

Try to see him more as a friend rather than a ‘partner’.

See what happens, but try to remain detached.

We have had this conversation. He seems genuinely shocked that I'm upset about him being away. He's saying he didn't think about talking to me first. This isn't where I thought we were at; as I said earlier, I'd been led to believe that he was ready to have a serious relationship.

They are 50, they don't live together, will not be looking to have children. Why was it ridiculous to not consult the op?

They have separate lives and he has the freedom to choose as he pleases.

Maybe he doesn't want to settle because of ops commitments. He wants to travel and work and boost his financial security for old age.

Long distance does not mean not serious.

My friends father used to work two counties away for a month at a time work for a month then off for a week then work for another month.

Did that for years, they are still together and stronger infact now he's retired.

Sometimes I will be able to, sometimes I won't. It's more that we'd established a relationship where we spent quite a lot of our free time together, I love him, I saw a future when my son was grown up - and he said he did too. Now I'm losing my companion to the odd snatched weekend away

Its not even about him being away so much as it is making a massive decision without discussing it with you. After a few years into a serious relationship, I would expect to be talking things through before making major decisions. Whatever the outcome. I had a boyfriend I was living with do this to me in our 30s. He simply had not thought that I would have anything to say about him moving to the other end of the country or would just move with him, regardless of my own career and needs. It was the end of our relationship.

This line is quite revealing - "I saw a future when my son was grown up"

That sounds like you don't really feel like it's a serious relationship now, but that it has the potential to be in the future. In which case why is he going to think any different?

The thing I find most surprising is that he has not been telling you about his work all along. If I were in an established relationship, I'd expect to be chatting about the day-to-day; I'd expect that if he was having success (or not) with contracts, he'd be telling me about how pleased he was (or not), just as I'd be telling him about my day-to-day.
So I would have expected him to be telling me how pleased he is to have these good contracts lined up so I could celebrate his successes.
But reading your post, maybe that is what happened. Maybe, once all the arrangements were in place, he thought he was sharing his pleasure (relief) at having steady work. Maybe he thought you'd be saying, 'Great job for lining up two good contracts!'
And he has said he wants you to visit him. So he's not cutting you out of his life and moving away permanently, he just won't be around for the summer. Once those contracts are finished things may go back to more like they are now.