Boyfriend has taken a job away without consulting me

[sheenaisapunkrocker]

I've been with my Bf for 2.5 years, we don't live together. He works short term contracts on various jobs, but has worked only sporadically throughout our relationship. Recently he has been offered a job as a freelance event manager, which takes him away for a month at a time, but the contracts are back to back. He didn't consult me about this, or consider the effect of being away for long periods on our relationship. It's all come out over the last week that he has contracts lined up until the autumn and won't be around. I'm heartbroken that A) he's going to be away so much and B) that it didn't occur to him to think about me in this decision. He says he needs to take all contracts for a year to get established, but then might be able to be more choosy and have some gaps. He says he needs to think about being more financially secure for his future.

For context, he has a long history of working away/overseas in short term jobs and doesn't have a career as such - it's been various different things. He's enjoyed a very free-form life, never been married or lived with anyone. I was led to believe that he's at a point where he wants to have a long term relationship and a more settled life. Current behaviour says otherwise.

I love him and we've had a lovely 2.5 years. This has come suddenly and unexpectedly. Is it worth trying to make it work?

Also tbh, if he is 50yo and has lived his life ‘happy go lucky’, he is very unlikely to change now.
Thinking he was now (finally?) ready to settle down was a bit of a dream tbh. He hasn’t considered anyone in his life until now, why would he suddenly start?

You have more invested in this relationship than your BF. To you it has some meaning, to him it’s probably something more casual.

Stick around if you want but do it with your eyes open as he’s not likely to change.

Barbara Cartland explains in her book ' Love , Life, and Se× ' that its unreasonable for a man to go away for long periods and expect s woman to put her life on hold . She also explains: 2 years courting is long enough for a man to decide if he wants Marriage. So advises to dump after 2 years! She would advise MARRIAGE now or never in this situation as just an Engagement will not suffice either. I think shes 100% right.

I think he’s out! As in this is his cowardly way of dumping you

No partner should have to ask the other for permission to accept a job. However, if would have been nice if he'd kept you in the loop. Basically, don't fret, just see how it goes.

Op my partner was like this and I started to read about dismissive avoidant attachment style and it really helped and made sense of things. The thing is though that others are correct when they say that things are unlikely to change now if they haven’t already.

I think the question is that now you know he can’t commit and will likely continue to make his own decisions, whether this is something that you’re willing to accept for the long term. I’m so sorry because I know how awful it feels.

Actually, just to add and slightly go back on myself… it seems from everything I’ve read and listened to that people like this can change and become more committed BUT it will take a lot of work (on their part as much as yours) to get there.

So you would rather stay with someone who treats you this way than be on your own with potential to meet someone else who will treat you with respect. No one would be happy with this “holiday” so why on earth are you squashing down your feelings and pretending to be okay with it. It’s not okay. You need to find your self respect and set your bar far higher than it already is.