Boyfriend has taken a job away without consulting me

[sheenaisapunkrocker]

I've been with my Bf for 2.5 years, we don't live together. He works short term contracts on various jobs, but has worked only sporadically throughout our relationship. Recently he has been offered a job as a freelance event manager, which takes him away for a month at a time, but the contracts are back to back. He didn't consult me about this, or consider the effect of being away for long periods on our relationship. It's all come out over the last week that he has contracts lined up until the autumn and won't be around. I'm heartbroken that A) he's going to be away so much and B) that it didn't occur to him to think about me in this decision. He says he needs to take all contracts for a year to get established, but then might be able to be more choosy and have some gaps. He says he needs to think about being more financially secure for his future.

For context, he has a long history of working away/overseas in short term jobs and doesn't have a career as such - it's been various different things. He's enjoyed a very free-form life, never been married or lived with anyone. I was led to believe that he's at a point where he wants to have a long term relationship and a more settled life. Current behaviour says otherwise.

I love him and we've had a lovely 2.5 years. This has come suddenly and unexpectedly. Is it worth trying to make it work?

Do you want to be married to someone who works away for long periods of time, or have children with someone who isn’t around?

I don’t think he’s going to change for you, so if you want a future with him, you’ll need to fit in with his life.

No it's not I'm sorry
He has never really settled into a committed relationship, being happy to go where the work is when it happens
I'm glad you don't live together but after 2.5 years, it's not great that it didn't occur to him to discuss it with you first
He is a drifter. It's who he is

@sheenaisapunkrocker - your thread really resonates with me, sadly for you and I. I’ve got a DP of nearly 5yrs whom I don’t live with, for similar reasons as you. We’ve always been v close & spent lots of time together. Everything you’ve said about thinking you were equally committed to a future together post-kids etc… Totally the same.

In my case, my DP accidentally mentioned a fortnight ago that he’s off for a month on a trip of a lifetime next year with a random woman from work (platonically, and I do believe him on that, weirdly). This is the realisation of a long-held dream to visit this place. I always knew he wanted to go, and he’s said previously he’d need the physical fitness to be able to do this challenge (so I get why he’d not want to wait until my kids have flown the nest) but….. I feel hopelessly blindsided by the lack of discussion.

After stewing on it for a fortnight I’ve realised that it’s the INVALIDATION of my potential thoughts & feelings that hurts…. And I’d say that’s probably the same for you. It’s extremely invalidating not to be consulted about things like this, or even for them to recognise that it’ll be difficult for you (even if they’re going anyway).

I honestly don’t know if I can get past that feeling of betrayal & invalidation, but I’d be too heartbroken to risk splitting up over it, so I’m squashing it all down and it’s burning a hole in me and in our physical relationship. I’ve not felt able to talk to him about it nor tell anyone in real life as I feel foolish for some reason. You’re the first person I’ve told…. Have you told any friends or family yet, and if so, what have their thoughts been? I hope they’ve been supportive of you.

Wishing you all the best with this horrible scenario. 💐

@StringTheory1 I'm so sorry, this is so poor on his part. I think he hasn't told you because he knows that it will be hard for you to hear. Like my DP, perhaps it's easier to self-prioritise, avoid, and minimise the subject than it is to have an honest and respectful conversation. I hear you with squashing it down, it's heartbreaking to consider that it might be a make or break situation, so I encourage you to tell someone for support.

I have told a few people. Friends have been truly supportive and think he should have at least discussed his plans with me and given me a chance to discuss what it means for our relationship. Some think his plans are incompatible with the type of relationship I thought we had. My brother is sympathetic to DP's situation regarding his work, but also recognises the very real impact on me.

Good luck. We're in tough times right now. Let's hope for better things x

@sheenaisapunkrocker @StringTheory1
After stewing on it for a fortnight I’ve realised that it’s the INVALIDATION of my potential thoughts & feelings that hurts…. And I’d say that’s probably the same for you. It’s extremely invalidating not to be consulted about things like this, or even for them to recognise that it’ll be difficult for you (even if they’re going anyway).

I think part of the issue is that for later life relationships in the 50s zone, that different rules apply. People who wanted children have had them. A new couple (barring much older man and much younger woman) are not looking at starting a life together and makign a family. It's very difficult to establish new relationships with men in this life zone where they will commit and prioritise a new partner - as opposed to view them as a pleasant but disposable convenience.

It's much more about companionship - and for a lot of men (not all) regular sex and home comforts (someone to cook for him) and that type of thing.

There is no pressure and reluctance to combine incomes and households - so waht you get is a very untethered relationship of convenience that a man feels he can walk away from. A man who wants just companionship, sex and some home comforts can get that with lots of different women. Compare that to a younger man who has bought a house with someone, had children with them and begun to raise a family. theres a lot there that is harder to walk away from and replicate the older youget.

Lots of this applies to women too dont forget but what it boils down to is that the later mid-life zone is a time when it is very difficult to have properly committed 'new' relationships with men for these reasons.

Oddly looking around at people I know I think it becomes easier post 65 because then the pace of life slows and people start to worry about getting old alone so become more inclinded to 'commit' or be a bit more tethered or at least act like it.

@user09090909E thank you, this is a very helpful perspective

@user09090909E - that makes so much sense - thank you. You’ve really encapsulated my vague insecure sense over the past few years of being “ok to him for now”, but which I’ve struggled to put into coherent words until I read your amazingly insightful message, so thank you - I really appreciate this. It really resonates, and I’ll keep coming back to it I think to reflect on it.
x

@StringTheory1

Thanks for your thanks!
I went back and re-read your post again.

I think two things strike me. One is that the fact that he is going on a trip of a life time with 'a random woman from work' supports what I said in my post. That actually anyone would do. Anyone within reason I mean - someone he gets on with, is willing to go and interested, this type of thing. However he's not really fussed who he is going with and the travelling companion could be interchangeable.

The other was that what you say about invalidation is actually about respect. Even in these sort of situations, where neither person in a couple is wedded {in a bonded sense not a marriage sense} to each other and don't need to consult with another person about big life decisions because the relationship is fundamentally more casual - that you would still expect the person to treat you with kindness and respect.

Whilst kindness and respect may not include actually involving someone in the process of making significant life choices or decisions to work away or take trips, it also is not just dropping a bombshell once a decision is made. A kinder and more respectful way is to at least let the person know in advance its under consideration - not to invite discussion or participation in a decision - but just so you are not pulling the rug out from under someone.

Of course human nature maybe to avoid this in case it invites discussion or recriminations. It's that philosophy {very male I think} of its easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing - full involvement and rows or say nothing and drop a bomb.

I'm sorry you are feeling hurt but its usually the case in any relationship at any time one person cares more than the other. The person who cares the least has the power unfortunately.

Sounds like he doesn't see you as his, for want of a better term, 'life partner'. You're his girlfriend. Don't live together, no real joint commitments.
If that's not what you want then maybe it's time to move on.

Just curious - if he only works casually, are you helping to pay his bills or other expenses between his jobs?

I'm sorry OP. I'd have been blindsided and upset too. It changes the very nature of the relationship you thought you had. And the future you thought you were planning. I'd be upset if my partner told me he was going away for a week without having discussed it. Let along a year! I think you are right that he didn't consult you because he knew you'd be upset and challenge his reasoning. And he didn't want to hear it.

I'm over 50 too. I rent but am financially independent with a secure pension. But no assets to bring to a relationship. Me and my bf both have older teenage children and so wouldn't be looking to move in together until they have left home. He threw me over the weekend by talking about putting his house in his children's name. We had previously talked about a lifetime interest for me if we moved in together. It's such a different position from meeting someone when you are young and building a life together. We said we'd look into options and get legal advice nearer the time of moving on together. But it did sting I can't lie. But I don't have an asset to bring and I don't want to take from his children...

‘He says he needs to think about being more financially secure for his future’

This is all you need to know

HIS FUTURE

"BF took job away without consulting me"

His actions speak louder than his words

He is not that into you

It sounds good that he's planning on working more as it doesn't sound like he has been. For me it would be the not chatting about it generally I'd find hard to accept. A major life change for him and he's not chatted about what he's up to or thinking about. I wouldn't feel that I was even a friend to be honest. At least you know where you stand.

He's doing it for financial security, that's a good thing.

My husband travels a lot with work and we have children as well. This was a financially necessary decision for us. It’s tough but we have to make it work. I suppose the real issue is whether you see a future with this person, and whether you will be able to deal with this time of working pattern. Sounds to me as though your boyfriend is just used to making these decisions on his own. Perhaps if you want to make it work you need to say you would like to know what his work plans are so that you can both plan what you will do together. Ultimately you know if this will work for you and him, this is the only thing that counts, if its upsetting now, it will be doubly upsetting if you decide to have a family and live with one another. You need to talk about the future.

I personally couldn't be with someone who travels for work for many different reasons, biggest one being I don't want to have kids and then be a single mum apart from every few months when he graces me with his presence. Also many traveling workers cheat. Not all obviously but a lot.

So perhaps the longer contracts now will mean you both can afford a larger, more permanent home in the future & spend more time together

I find it amazing that so many people on here try to break up the relationships of random strangers just because they had an argument or disagreement. I'd love to know how their relationships are, how do they ever stay with anyone

I think that you have over estimated the relationship. You both view it differently. You see him as your long term partner with a future. He sees you as an occasional girlfriend who fits around his work. He didn't even consider you before committing to working away! I'd take a big step back from the relationship, and see what happens. I certainly wouldn't always be available to fly out to meet him everytime he's free. I'd alternate it with I'm busy/I can make it. See how you both feel with the reduced contact. He may not be bothered, which would be a sign to end things. I'm sorry you're going through this op.

Now I've read all your posts and have full context re: age etc, if this being away constantly is only going to be about a year, and you've been together 2.5 years, and you do have the potential to visit him throughout, I'd go with it. See how it goes. This is the age of communication technology, texts, video chats, etc, you don't have to be physically in the same place to be spending time together.

He's 50 years old and has never 'settled down', he's unlikely to live or think along conventional lines, so whilst this is a bit thoughtless of him to not discuss it with you, it sounds like it's in character for him, so it shouldn't come as a shock to you.

If he works freelance, this doesn't sound unreasonable - presumably he needs the work. Some people would also be fine with the arrangement. I'm about your age, and I think I would. However, you aren't comfortable with it, or the way he's communicated with you - and I think you're right to trust these feelings and question the relationship.

I think its a good thing he's working on his career portfolio! Yes it's annoying he will be away but you could visit him where he goes? He's a man, he probably didn't think to ask your opinion, my DP did similar for a job away for two months when our DDs were small, I could have smothered him in his sleep. If you want the relationship to last you'll make it work. I feel a lot of people on here just hate men TBH.

He seems genuinely shocked that I'm upset about him being away. He's saying he didn't think about talking to me first.

Of course he didn't. This is a 50 year old man with no ties- not even to an employer. Has there been any point in his life at which he will have learned to be a partner? I think if you want true partnership he isn't the one for you. But he might be great company when he is around and fun to spend time with if you want something less committed.

It sounds like he is doing the right thing financially. He can’t do this kind of work indefinitely. He needs to save for old age. You do NOT want to end up carrying him financially forever. Be glad you’ve no
But - it’s totally understandable that you may not want to wait around for him, especially after he didn’t even discuss it with you.

I’d have a bigger issue with the fact he didn’t talk about it with you than about the fact he is going to away a lot of the time.

Thats because not talking about it means he isn’t seen you as a unit. It’s him and you. Not you two together.

If after 2.5 years he still doesn’t see you as a unit, then I’d question whether he wants what you want - aka settling down/family unit etc…
Rather your life goals seem to be at odds with each other.