Boyfriend has taken a job away without consulting me

[sheenaisapunkrocker]

I've been with my Bf for 2.5 years, we don't live together. He works short term contracts on various jobs, but has worked only sporadically throughout our relationship. Recently he has been offered a job as a freelance event manager, which takes him away for a month at a time, but the contracts are back to back. He didn't consult me about this, or consider the effect of being away for long periods on our relationship. It's all come out over the last week that he has contracts lined up until the autumn and won't be around. I'm heartbroken that A) he's going to be away so much and B) that it didn't occur to him to think about me in this decision. He says he needs to take all contracts for a year to get established, but then might be able to be more choosy and have some gaps. He says he needs to think about being more financially secure for his future.

For context, he has a long history of working away/overseas in short term jobs and doesn't have a career as such - it's been various different things. He's enjoyed a very free-form life, never been married or lived with anyone. I was led to believe that he's at a point where he wants to have a long term relationship and a more settled life. Current behaviour says otherwise.

I love him and we've had a lovely 2.5 years. This has come suddenly and unexpectedly. Is it worth trying to make it work?

The most reliable predictor of future behaviour is previous patterns of behaviour. If your BF has never married / settled down and has now taken contracts out of the area without discussing it with you I would suggest the writing is on the wall. Of course it might not be the case.

When someone's shows you who they are believe them.
He didn't even think about you. You don't need to know anything else.

It's pretty safe to say that if he's doing contract work still at 50, as he has always done, this is how his life is and is always going to be until and if he retires. Perhaps he mislead you a bit on the relationship idea, or maybe you were over-hopeful?
What's his relationship history? If its full of short term things up to a year or 2, his job choice will be the reason and basically all his life he has chosen to work away in preference to a serious relationship.
He may have felt your circumstances of having a DC suited him so he'd never need to commit and, therefore, be free to his mind to just carry on as he has always done. This is a man for who relationships are always going to be secondary. He knows he can't have both and has chosen his work consistently for decades.
You possibly could of forseen that his lifestyle would not be compatible, but then you were perhaps in a Hobsons choice situation as its less easy to find someone who is willing to hang around on the periphery, for quite a number of years, until your DC grows up. If you are in the situation where you don't want to change or disrupt your DC's life, that prospect is going to be more appealing to men who don't want to commit, so that is why they hang in with interest. It does limit your options, and you end up in relationships that will do for now, but don't last.

We're 50.

I was so shocked when I read this. I'd imagined from the tone of your post you'd be late 20s to mid 30s.

There are red flags flying all over the place here.

what on earth is a man in his 50s saying something like "he needs to think about being more financially secure for his future", by the time you are in your 50s this should be in your DNA and not something that needs comment - because everyone in their 50s has their eye on this as retirement looms in the distance. It's the sort of thing people starting out might think needs comment. Is he a bit of a Peter Pan type?

If you've been together for 2.5 year you must have a fairly good idea of his character, so I'm surprised this has come as a surprise to you. Does he normally discuss big life decisions with you or does he normally just do what h wants and when he wants?

He's 50 and still needs to get established in his career? Has he changed careers? I can understand being a freelancer, but not the needing to get established bit.

I would be hurt too OP, and rethinking the relationship. This is probably as good as it's going to get.

Roughly how often will you be able to see him?

It won’t work because he’s made it very plain he really doesn’t care about you very much.

It doesn't sound like you are compatible op. He's not wrong as such and you certainly aren't wrong for being upset. But this has thrown up that you have different priorities. I would be hurt too. x

Then you're both independent adults. Moreover, this (the international freelancer) is who he is by now, and you must have known this from the time you met him. Stop clinging, it's unattractive in a grown-up.

This. It's his financial future. He's not doing anything wrong.

Pretty much this.

I think if you're 50, realtionships are very different to when yiur younger and looking to build a home and family with a partner. If you've been together for 2.5 years and never broached moving in together, you probably never will.

Also, in the context of his.pofr so far, he absolutely does need to start making his future more secure.

What would "consulting" you have looked like? Presumably you'd have expected tonhave some influence (change) on the decision, but I don't think you can expect that.

As I said, IME what people need and want from relationships formed in later years is very different.

Ok I've skimmed over the detail. We don't live together - a shared agreement because I have a teenager at home and because he just didn't want to. However, we'd talked about how this might change a few years down the line, when my son is more independent and the relationship had progressed.

Events freelancing got hammered over Covid. I can fully understand having to reestablish yourself and get your contracts lined up again.

There are couples I know who have been together but not living together at a similar age to you and your boyfriend. Older children certainly the reason for one of them.

However, certainly the man in the relationship has a long term secure job. I think the insecurity of his employment might be more the real issue than the lack of warning/discussion.

The man has to go where the work is, though. He can't afford to sit around waiting. If he did, the relationship would all be on your terms. That's hardly fair. You're independent adults.

Which is great, I'm quite often the person on here saying that I don't think it's fair to move a new bloke in with your kids.

But I do think it means the relationship stays a lot more casual than it otherwise would. You don't live together, you don't share finances, you're not taking the steps that usually happens when a relationship is "going somewhere". Which means the only way either of you know how serious it is is if you talk about it. You may have had these conversations, I don't know, but "This may be a serious relationship in the future", doesn't necessarily mean "We make big life choices together" right now, unless you've had that conversation.

I don't really think he's done anything wrong. You said yourself he has a long history of working away/ overseas and taking contract work. It can't come as any surprise to you that he is doing just that.

^^ this

Well you don't live together, it doesn't sound like something either of you want just now. you have another 4 years before your child becomes an adult , he feels that he needs to work on being more financial secure for the future so depending how often you can see each other this might work quite well.

Sorry, I don’t think you really have much to complain about, your both older, no young kids, you don’t live together
he still needs to work, and your potential future is a few years down the line

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, there have been some really helpful perspectives that are helping me to process what's happened and work through it.

I've got myself emotionally involved with someone who isn't in a position to commit. It was over-optimistic and naive at best. I feel like I've been foolish.

I think I was in denial about the reality of having a relationship with this man, given his work and relationship history. Also, to those of you that have pointed out that we are independent adults and he has to go where the work is - you are right, and it's unfair to think he wouldn't do it. I just wish he'd told me up front, instead of it coming out bit by bit with regard to number and length of contracts. He'll possibly be home a couple of days a month until at least October, but probably beyond as the contracts come in.

We've still got talking to do, and I'll do as some have suggested, taking a step back and treating this much more casually. Thanks once again.

But he is sort of doing the same thing: working now to establish his career and it will be easier in a few years and he can pick and choose work and the relationship would have progressed…..

Surely you wouldn’t expect him to continue to work sporadically on little money, as his next decade will be his retirement decade?

I just think its odd. I don't live with my close friend but I'd let her know I was thinking of taking a job abroad. Not having kids doesn't mean you're not allowed to care where your partner lives!

Sorry to hear that OP. I had hoped he'd apologise for not having consulted or at least informed you and explained first.

I think I'd do the same. I wish you all the best.