My mum is autistic and avoids me because she says I’m too emotional.

[Neverreallyknow]

I’m struggling with this really. I’m not sure if I’m too emotional as I was brought up to hide all emotions as she had no idea what to do with me. I’m not running around stupid and I have a few good friends and a nice partner.

She pretty much avoids me now as she still has no idea what to do with me. She prefers my brothers company as he is much easier, he’s more like her. Should I just leave them to it? It does get me down but I can’t turn into someone else. She isn’t horrible but she will literally blank what I say or dismiss it. She doesn’t come to visit me but she will visit my brother.

My advice would be to keep low contact (I'm not into the whole NC thing) and just get on with your life.

I’ve got no choice to get on with my life but it doesn’t feel that great.

I would say that there’s a middle way. You are trying to have a relationship like other people have, with emotional intimacy. That’s fine- perfectly normal.

However that’s intensely uncomfortable for her. She can’t do it. It’s stressing- distressing- and panic inducing. Her internal monologue will be about whether she’s getting it right, saying the right thing, upsetting or annoying you. It’s exhausting for her. Imagine trying to build a friendship with someone who doesn’t speak your language, and being the one that has to google translate everything.

You could try a superficial relationship where you just spend time doing things- nothing deep, nothing personal, just calmly skating over the surface of it all.

As time goes on you can build more- but not while she’s in a shit down funk about how hard it is to be with you.

Like I said, there’s nothing at all wrong with what you want. It’s just that she can’t do it.

I think my partner has autistic traits. I have to be brutally honest about what I want from him, to get my needs met. Like, I’d like a hug now, I like if you could ring at such a time.. and I try to appreciate the efforts he does make.. can you do something like that? Like have a specific time in the week you meet, and do some physical activity like a walk or something that’s not directly focusing on her but allows for time together and companionship?

I don't know, any conversation with her is very controlling and not really very nice. It’s hard to know what to say. Anything I say I am up to she thinks is stupid and pointless unless she thinks it’s worth while. She can’t see we don’t all like and want to do the same things.

Would she be prepared to go to counselling with you to improve the relationship?

I am autistic and i find emotional people exhausting, i feed off emotions and if someone is feeling down it brings me down too!

Its very hard to have a mother who dismisses, minimizes, and avoids your feelings. It doesn’t really matter why she does it. Its a terrible feeling. I highly recommend Tich Nhat Hanh’s book Reconciliations which offers a good perspective on how to slowly accept and heal from such a wounding experience.

I'm autistic and my daughter isn't. I really can't cope when she gets overly emotional for standard things and then starts crying.

It's too much when she's constantly trying to touch me hug me when she arrives and when she leaves

And there's lots of things she talks on and on about and offers to show me on her phone that don't interest me in the slightest.

I do love her though. And we've found common things and we do those together.

@pikkumyy77 that’s the thing if my own mum doesn’t love me then who the hell will. I never knew she had this growing up, I’ve always thought I am a problem. I’ve no idea if I’m normal or not.

I'm like this, I really struggle if dh is feeling low. It's not his fault but it drains me

@autienotnaughty what do you mean by you feed off emotions? Doesn’t everyone feel down if a loved one is down, isn’t that just having empathy. Isn’t it our jobs then to help our loved ones feel better?

My own mum didn’t want to be around when I had my baby. I couldn’t understand why she just avoided me. She didn’t even really want to discuss it during the pregnancy. I couldn’t understand whether she just saw no need. She isn’t horrible to my face or to anyone else.

It wasn't a dig at you btw. But so if my dh is feeling down caus of work or whatever. It's like a weight on me , I feel down, it's like there's a weight on my shoulders. My brain gets foggy.

It have friends who are a bit full on. If I spend a lot of time with them, I feel overwhelmed and can start to feel anxious. I go hot and dizzy too.

@autienotnaughty ah ok so what feels selfish and avoidant to me is self preservation? My mum can’t cope with her own feelings so she literally avoids any feelings even if they belong to her children? I suppose I do understand although it’s incredibly difficult to have no feelings and to constantly worry that your feelings are going to be avoided so you try and stop them. I don’t know how to have a relationship without feelings, especially with my mum.

I get the impression my mum has gone too far one way and has become completely avoidant and disconnected. She has this permanent fake smile and everything must be ok and I find it impossible to live by this standard.

When you see her are you doing things with her which feel like they invite emotional intimacy? Coffee and chat; dinner together etc?

If so can you try suggesting some things which don’t. Cinema, bowling, exercise class. Just spend some time together without discussing anything and see how that goes?

No I think she's selfish. I struggle with dh struggling but I don't disengage . My dd has adhd she can be full on but she's also one of my favourite people.
Friends I do manage a bit,but I manage social stuff generally. I can't do too much social as it fatigues me so it's a case of know my limits. But I would still be there for a friend if they needed me.

CBT helped me better understand my thoughts and emotions and to live in the moment rather then attaching feelings to the previous times something has happened.

You are her daughter of course she should work on herself to manage your relationship better.

I suspect my mum was also autistic, she massively struggled to show affection, was not fussed for spending time with us or grandkids. And could be very critical. It was really tough. I make a conscious effort not to be like that.

I relate to this. I avoid mine as I don't want to have to listen to more tales of woe and misery where she doesn't want a solution just to tell me.

I’m so sorry OP, this must be incredibly hard and hurtful. Your mother didn’t meet your needs and that must have had a profound impact on you.

Have you considered therapy? Are you close to your brother?

My MIL is on the spectrum & really doesn’t like anyone, including her own family. My DH is a saint and just accepts her as she is. I feel sorry for her, but I think she is actually happy in her own selfish, emotionally closed off way.

It must hurt so much when your mother is like this, but you can’t change her, so for your own sake you have to learn acceptance. I don’t think that is easy, my DH is pretty exceptional in his tolerance and emotional resilience. I am just grateful she isn’t my mum, who has a million faults but can at least be bothered with us.

I have one of these I think both my parents are autistic no interest in me ever (from when I became aware of it around age of 8) no love , no support and one of them ( mum) was always mean and critical . Last time I suggested to her that me and her did something together (18 years ago ) her response was ‘ no why would I want to do that ‘ at that pint I stopped trying as I realised she was never going to care or even realise I had feelings look after yourself not her x

I’m sure my autistic father loves me, in his own way, but it doesn’t stop him getting up and going out of the room after a minute or two when I visit my parents. Conversation bores him. Being around people stresses him.

I'm so sorry, she will never change, it's not who she is.
You need to grieve the relationship you wanted to have, it will never be that way. The best you can probably do is low contact, low emotional relationship.