My mum is autistic and avoids me because she says I’m too emotional.

[Neverreallyknow]

I’m struggling with this really. I’m not sure if I’m too emotional as I was brought up to hide all emotions as she had no idea what to do with me. I’m not running around stupid and I have a few good friends and a nice partner.

She pretty much avoids me now as she still has no idea what to do with me. She prefers my brothers company as he is much easier, he’s more like her. Should I just leave them to it? It does get me down but I can’t turn into someone else. She isn’t horrible but she will literally blank what I say or dismiss it. She doesn’t come to visit me but she will visit my brother.

Also, my father died and I had no relationship and I have an awful relationship with my mother and haven't seen her for at least a decade.

Who will love me? My family, my friends, me. People will love you and probably already do.

Then I think the diagnosis is important to you. She can’t give what she doesn’t have. Its not you—its her lack. She lacks the capacity to enjoy you just as you are—and that enjoyment is what we mean when we say love. Its that mix of delight and trust, excitement and confidence, that a good mother should have in her child.

But she is not the only person who can love you. I am sure there will be many people who will love you. Im so sorry that because of who she is she was not able to treasure you the way you deserve to be treasured.

You are different people - you find her cold in that she finds many of the things you do 'not worth while'.

She finds you overly emotional, and you think she isn't interested in many of the things you do.

That doesn't make either of you wrong. One of you is noisier and more extrovert, the other quieter and more low-key. And it doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

Neither of you can change who you are, so you each need to accept the other, and that will mean going low contact.

For your own sanity I would do as much research on autism as you can. I am autistic as are a large chunk of my family.

If she is in burnout she will literally be fighting overwhelm all the time and avoidance is the coping strategy she's chosen to stay safe.

As autistic people we tend to have repeated social miscommunications that eventually teach us that they're more hassle than they're worth - which is sad as we then become very lonely, more fearful as there are no positive experiences to counteract the fears and more withdrawn.

There's also sensory differences to add into the mix which can overwhelm some people even with good relationships and make withdrawal necessary.

As much as you can depersonalise her behaviour as a reflection on you, the easier it will be to find some common understanding and compassion. You two may never really understand each other but it's possible that she's equally as hurt by the state of play. It's also possible that she is very autistic and living in her own bubble is what works for her so why change it.

There a person who has normal levels of emotional and reactions but there is people who turn everything into a drama and has tantrums if they don't get their own way and need to have everything revolve around them

I presume over emotional people don't realise they are doing it but op only you know what kind you are

I think when you've been brought up by an autistic mother who avoids all emotions and acts like they are abnormal and distasteful, you have the core belief that your normal NT emotions are shameful and wrong. It's a type of trauma from emotional neglect that makes it hard to accept, process and trust your own feelings.

Where’s your Dad, @Neverreallyknow ?

And how do you get on with your brother. Does he have autism?

OP your mum sounds like mine.
Got moody when I left home.
Didn't visit much and used to hang up the phone on me and my dsis.
Couldn't cope with coming to kids sports days.Never hugged me and would never say she loved me.
38 yrs after I left home I keep her at arms length.
I used to really care when I saw mother's and daughter s shopping.
I didn't get that relationship.I suspect she is autistic.
I did wonder is there any chance you are autistic and your over emotional times are melt downs.

My dad died around 6 years ago. He was lovely but he was a people pleaser and he navigated my mum and her moods, he never really seemed that happy in life and it was sad to watch.

My mum has never hugged me or said I love you. Even when my dad died I was at arms length. The only hug I got over that period was from my brothers wife. I don’t think I have emotional outbursts. I manage with my partner and friends ok. I have no idea though as inside I have no gauge. I think personally I’m not emotional enough, I always try and hold it in for as long as possible.

Your mum is unable to change.
Very sadly for both of you, she cannot give you what you need. I would look into private counselling/psychotherapy to help you come to terms with this and find ways of nurturing yourself/getting your needs met in other ways.
I am autistic but the extremely emotional sort. My sister is autistic and very logical and can only identify three emotions. My mum is a weird mixture of both. None of us can change.

@YourNimblePeachTraybake would you say that she loves my brother more? Or that she gravitates towards him because he doesn’t make her feel so overwhelmed or confused or bad about herself. I don’t think he is ND but he is is more logical and works in accounting. It’s always felt he was the favoured.

You could also check out the stately home thread about being raised by abusive parents.

It's possible to have an emotionally abusive or neglectful parent who also has a reason for behaving that way - neurodivergence, addiction or mental health issues. Means that it's less black and white to process as there is a reason why they are hurting you but they are still hurting you and some of that is choice.

@IdisagreeMrHochhauser I will have a look at that thread. It hard and all I’ve been able to do is not really see her very much. She tries to control me a lot when we are together, why am I doing that, why do I need that etc etc. I can’t be the person who she wants me to be unfortunately. I get anxious thinking about meeting her now. It does help to know she just can’t help it. But how do I know if she even likes me?

You don't. My mum sounds similar to yours except I am the diagnosed autistic. My sister has a theory that my mum has ADHD. I think she might have a personality disorder. She's jealous, blaming, narcissistic and doesn't like me much at all.

But I don't deserve to be treated the way she treats me. It all comes from her own insecurities. She refuses to have any counselling or take any personal responsibility so I keep her low contact. She cannot give me what I need but that's all a reflection on her lack of self awareness. I deal with it by being as self aware as I can be and striving to treat people the way I would wish to be treated.

It's left me with appalling self esteem and low self worth but I know that I have to dig into myself and form healthy relationships elsewhere to get my needs met not keep going back to get from her what she cannot give.

I'd also have a look into whether you are also neurodivergent. It's highly heritable but also possible that your Dad was NT and so are you.

Your feelings are always valid. Remember that.

You cannot change her and she is not able to give you what you need. I learned this through counselling. It's hard to accept, but you need to reframe your relationship with her and seek other people for emotional support.

I really don’t like the projection that something is wrong with me because she feels a certain way. It’s not fair to not look in yourself and blame another and avoid them. I’ve always grown up thinking something is just wrong with me. It’s taken a long time for me to realise that something is wrong with her. I shouldn’t say wrong but different. It’s not on that she controls others to keep her own peace. Why can’t people just communicate to each other, I would understand more if that happened.

I do see this. I don’t know how to feel about her. How can you love a parent like this, where is the bond, I don’t know if she loves or likes me. It makes me sad. I tell my child 100 times a day so she knows I love her.

If I was quiet and predictable and just had a fake smile all day and spoke about non emotional things like the washing machine but only the function of the machine not how it made me feel we’d be ok. If I was just someone else then we’d be ok. I’ve tried being someone else but I just got depressed.

Edited

I agree with this.
There is no excuse for your Mum to be emotionally cold and unavailable to you OP and no-one should be trying to make you feel that it's your fault for being too emotional (whatever that means).
If she isn't going to change then it would be good to have some counselling or therapy. It's actually really sad - I'm sorry you are going through this.

Does she actually want to see you at all? Do you ever like seeing her?
My thought is that when people don’t connect (even if they’re family) there’s very little point in trying to keep the relationship going. If you and she were friends, you’d have dropped each other by now. I would see her for the bare minimum, get therapy for this issue and enjoy the company of people who like you.

@EllaPaella I think the issue with my mum was that she didn’t find out for a long time and her family didn’t understand her and ignored her. She seems to have developed this shield. I know a lot of autistic people who are aware and don’t treat there children like this. I think my mum is to unaware and had too much personal trauma in there she is closed off.

I would suspect it is to do with her childhood that she is as distant as she is.
But I would find a counsellor if I was you, hopefully one who understands how your mother works.
I really can't understand her having no interest in your pregnancy or baby. I think she is projecting some rejection from her childhood onto you.
The fact you had an unloving childhood is affecting you and making you more desperate to bond wtih her. She sounds awful.

I can see how this is hard for you, it sounds like she's finally being honest with you after decades of wrecking your self esteem by leaving you to feel like you were the problem. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that your mother can't have the relationship with you that you want, but I'd just draw that boundary and work on the other relationships in your life. It sounds like you might benefit from counselling too, it will take some work to undo the thought process behind if my own mother doesn't love me then why would anyone else.