My mum is autistic and avoids me because she says I’m too emotional.

[Neverreallyknow]

I’m struggling with this really. I’m not sure if I’m too emotional as I was brought up to hide all emotions as she had no idea what to do with me. I’m not running around stupid and I have a few good friends and a nice partner.

She pretty much avoids me now as she still has no idea what to do with me. She prefers my brothers company as he is much easier, he’s more like her. Should I just leave them to it? It does get me down but I can’t turn into someone else. She isn’t horrible but she will literally blank what I say or dismiss it. She doesn’t come to visit me but she will visit my brother.

@Teddybarr it is hard when you’ve told yourself that there’s something wrong with yourself for a long time. When you are small you don’t really see the problem is your own mum. I probably feel rejected more than I should. Life as a young adult was really hard to navigate.

I don’t think my mum wants to visit with small children as it’s noisy and chaotic. My brothers children are older and more predictable. I thought that could be a reason, there is less likely hood of overwhelm. He also is not very emotional, talks quite practically. Mum can’t really connect with his wife and does tell me she doesn’t understand a lot of how she behaves. She behaves depending on how she feels, it’s a concept she can’t understand.

It's fucking heartbreaking and destabilising. Can you access therapy? You need to learn to ignore the voice (hers) in your head and see yourself for who you are, rather than through her eyes. Yes , parents give you your first sense of worth, and sometimes it's incredibly fucked up. You can change that though. It's not easy, and it takes a long time and you can.

The first step is to stop valuing yourself depending on her love or respect or acceptance of you. You are your own person, not an extension of her. You exist independently. You do have worth independent of her and her feelings/judgement.

Keep low contact for your own sanity. As little as possible, as simple as possible. Expecting anything from her will only end up in disappointment.

It's absolutely not your fault and it's understandable you feel that way, it's just that you deserve to free yourself from these thoughts and come to terms with the fact that it isn't true, which is challenging.

Is she actually autistic? Does she have a diagnosis, or is this just something you've concluded from her behaviours and if so what other behaviours have you noticed that makes you think she is autistic?

I'm simply asking because us autistic people are capable of emotion, but we often don't outwardly display emotional reciprocity but internally we feel things very intensely. It can get uncomfortable but it doesn't mean we aren't aware that humans are emotional creatures with emotional needs.

Narcissists however...

@Jimmyneutronsforehead it’s what I’ve been told, that’s all I’ve got. She has trouble throwing stuff away also. Well she seems to be able to chuck stuff like her old wedding dress with not much issue but the washing machine for example thats only worked on cold no she won’t change. If it has a function it can stay otherwise it can go.

I do feel like she seems me like an object. I’m not much use in my emotional body so she isn’t interested.

This.... she could well be nd but also have other stuff going on.

That doesn't sound like autism just on what you've said, unless there's more to it.

We can be averse to change and that means we could struggle to let go of things even if they're broken but feeling that way isn't strictly autistic, it can be an age thing and a reluctance to adapt to modern life. It can also be a trauma response, as can being extremely emotionally guarded.

I would look at the icd-11 criteria for diagnosis of autism and see if you can match up multiple examples to each of the 3 categories if you want to get a clearer picture for yourself if this is autism.

It's probably a waste of time though because you're not going to change her no matter what.

It just sounds like the mum you want isn't the mum you've got and you can only control your own actions and decide your own boundaries, and if it's a 1 strike and you're out of 3 strikes and you're out.

I am sorry your mum is like this though, it's not easy to digest that the person who should love you and protect you unconditionally cannot meet those needs. You do deserve to feel those things.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead I will have a look. But I guess like you’ve said it won’t change her. I think the biggest issue is that she expects you to think and react like she does. Expects you to want to do the same things and feel the same way about things. She has real issues if you don’t, it’s like you have gone against her and now she thinks you don’t like her and you are ignored, not important. I am a different person and she doesn’t or can’t seem to understand therefore I am wrong. She is never wrong. So black and white. Like the washing machine. Yes it works but it’s cold so it’s not working efficiently. She needs a new one but she won’t budge.

Who told you your mother was autistic. I think they were wrong and you have been led up the garden path.

Nothing I have read about her suggests autism at all; more like an untreated and untreatable personality disorder like NPD. Also ASD does not square with her behaviour towards you at all. I would read the website entitled out of the Fog.

It appears that in this dynamic you are the scapegoat with your brother being the favoured golden child; a dynamic often played out in narcissistic family structures. Is your brother really an extension of her?.

What if anything do you know about your mother's childhood; that often gives clues.

Narcissists view other people as objects and they've also made the terrible choice not to love.

@AttilaTheMeerkat my brother is more established I would say. He has a lot more money and a big house and a doting wife and well behaved children, quite perfect looking. I’m a bit of a black sheep I feel. My house has young feral children, it can be chaotic and imperfect which is fine with me and pretty much normal amongst my friends. I am not looking to impress anyone really. She had definitely aligned herself with them. I thought perhaps this was because they are more predictable and more aligned to her and less noise. They behave how she thinks they should behave, they are quite an extension of her. I feel like we are the wedding dress she threw easily because we have no value and no purpose. They are like the washing machine, it may not do a hot wash but you press the button and it works as she thinks it should. I am wrong.

People from dysfunctional families often end up playing roles. The black sheep ie the scapegoat is commonly seen in narcissistic family structures. As a result too any children the scapegoat goes onto have are also scapegoated, the golden child s children remain more favoured. Your mother is basking in her sons apparent glory.

@AttilaTheMeerkat who has said he is the one to favour in her mind? What does she think he has anymore then what we have? Only thing they are is they do try and look perfect. On the inside they just the same as the rest of us, they just hide it better. It is funny because when they talk they talk as a unit, they say us and we. We don’t like to eat that, how can all of them not like the same things. In our house we all like different things, I can’t say we don’t like because that’s not true.

You’ve said it yourself, they try and look perfect. Your mother does the same and she does see them as an extension of her. Your brother is probably a carbon copy of mother.

@AttilaTheMeerkat what am I? I don’t want to be perfect, I have no intention of trying. I don’t even know who sets the levels. That’s why I get confused with knowing when or if I’m too emotional. Sometimes I wonder if she had chosen to use autism as a way of hiding her feelings. I think my brother likes the attention. We are ok though he isn’t funny with me but he has sometimes agreed with her.

It’s not you, it’s them.

You are ok as you are, it’s they who are the problem here. And again none of what you have written re her at all suggests autism.

she has told u how she feels, move on.

All I hear is behave how I think you should behave and I will cope with you. Behave emotionally then I can’t cope so I won’t spend time with you because I can’t predict what’s going to happen. I wondered if this was how her autism has manifested over time. She simply can’t cope if it’s not how she thinks it should be and she isn’t in control.

You are a beautiful, wild, gnarled tree that grew in an inhospitable landscape—and yet you grew tall, and flung your branches wide, and you give shelter to the birds and the creatures if the forest. You bend and shake in the storms, your branches can hold icicles, in the spring you are covered with blossoms—too many to count and they fall and dust the world. Some become fruit some large, some small. They are not perfect! They are not to everyone’s taste! But they are rich and varied and so delicious to those who can appreciate them!

Not everyone can see or appreciate your beauty. It is for those who can. Just keep being yourself and sharing your beauty and love with the children in your nests and those who come take shelter under your branches.

OP whatever the diagnosis or reason for your DMs behaviour you need to try and see this as her loss not yours. Obviously you can't flick a switch and do this, you probably need some professional help here.

I'm cynical about ruminating too much on what has caused your DM to be how she is. Focus on the people who treat you well regardless of whether they are family or not. Your DM isn't going to change.

@pikkumyy77 that’s nice. Sometimes I think she laughs at who I am. Sometimes she makes quite mean comments about arty things I do.

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