My mum is autistic and avoids me because she says I’m too emotional.

[Neverreallyknow]

I’m struggling with this really. I’m not sure if I’m too emotional as I was brought up to hide all emotions as she had no idea what to do with me. I’m not running around stupid and I have a few good friends and a nice partner.

She pretty much avoids me now as she still has no idea what to do with me. She prefers my brothers company as he is much easier, he’s more like her. Should I just leave them to it? It does get me down but I can’t turn into someone else. She isn’t horrible but she will literally blank what I say or dismiss it. She doesn’t come to visit me but she will visit my brother.

This is not about you. As I said this morning - how she behaves tells you all about her inner world. You just happen to be the person that is on the receiving end of it. It doesn't mean that you are wrong or bad or unworthy.

You will not get your needs met from her. Therapy is a great way to learn to reparent yourself and hopefully you have chosen a partner who does meet your emotional needs. Relationships are healing. Unfortunately some of us don't get the nurturing parents we deserved and have to learn that we are loveable as an adult by bypassing family and finding meaningful connections outside of that.

@IdisagreeMrHochhauser I understand. Who knows what’s going on in her inner world. I’ve been trying to figure it out but without her telling me and understanding herself I doubt she’ll know. Something going on in there though. Whatever it is she values/aligns/feels more comfortable with my brother.

My mum and my brother get on well because he collude with the surface level relationship.

He would never try to ask for change like I did (that was stupid).

Have you listened (on audible) to The mother wound by bethany Webster? I found that very validating.
Also, all of lindsay c gibbons books, also all on audible. Very validating.

Although, validating is step one. I'm working on my own repainting. It's hard.

But first step, stand firmly in your own interpretation of events. Don't be shamed into watering down reality. Your interpretation will no doubt if shared, be perceived to be "cruel to your mum".

Like, she can emotionally ignore you but if you say that that was your experience, you'll be shamed for your cold heartedness.

So keep it clear in your head. This is my interpretation of what happened. You hear you. You see you. You validate you.

I've done this in my own family. I will not be swayed from my interpretation even though attempt to gaslight me are ongoing.

I need to find a book on re-mothering and re-fathering. If yr father didn't step up to meet the gap left by yr mum. Actually I think kirsten neff phd and chtis germer phd have a workbook with reparenting exercises. I need to do them again. 😢

What if their visible emotional reaction is in response to something you have done/not done, said/not said?

Can you modify your behaviour without getting defensive, shutting down, going silent...

(Just wondering how much of a so-called normal response that you'd hope to receive is even possible).

I have adhd myself so I'm aware every person with autism is different.

@ComoSeDicePepino Im very guilty of watering down how I feel. I’ve never really been shown emotions and how to feel and what’s normal and whats not. I’ve based how I felt on how other people have felt. I’ve needed a lot of external validation but not always from the right people, I’ve been at odds. For a long time I got myself in a mess. Bad relationships with men for example. It’s something I have to teach myself and it’s hard learning how I feel and it’s even harder judging how hard to feel and how to come down from my emotions. I’m getting a lot of things wrong but it’s quite new.

I just have to remember my mum navigates the world for whatever reason without emotion. She makes decisions on what she thinks is right and out of need. I don’t think she can even name emotions. I don’t live like this and I simply can’t. I act out of empathy and compassion and love that’s why her behaviour hurts so much.

I think my brother makes her feel more normal in this world, she can relate to him more. I don’t think she even has a single thought that I feel left out and unloved.

Weeping lasts for but a night and joy cometh in the morning.

You are in a period of grief as you discover and rediscover how unsupportive, shallow, and unrewarding your relationship with your mother and brother is.

This is terrible but necessary. Its kind of the dark, hard part of rebirthing yourself.

You csn and will come out of this a stronger, more self assured person. Listen or read to the books suggested: Lindsay Gibson, Kristin Neff, etc…try the exercises. You will get there.

@pikkumyy77 I think I could have a relationship with her if it was down to autism because that’s a real disability and I can have understanding and compassion for her. I can change my behaviour in her company in order to help her. If it’s something else then I may have understanding but a lot less compassion. I don’t want a non rewarding relationship with someone if some sinister stuff is going on. I’d worry about my child.

I understand that but I really think you are expressing so much pain that you need to consider going very very low contact for a while just to get your bearings. In other words I would suggest you read up on narcissism and immature parents (Lindsay Gibson) and learn how to avoid being sucked into their cycle.

From that position you will be able to protect yourself and your children during their vulnerable childhood years.

You do not owe anything to your mother—whether she is autistic, autistic with a personality disorder, or pure personality disorder. In fact the line of duty runs the other way.

In addition you have already spent a lifetime trying to figure her out and make her happy, make her see you, make her displycare and love for you. You have exhausted all the means at your disposal. There are no secret methods that will change her or make her kinder or more loving to you. And therefore there are no techniques that will make her a better/safer grandmother to your children

Sounds very hard, my Sis feels similar, can't relate with Mum at all, and mourns the lack of a loving relationship, both my sisters and I have difficult relationships with our Mum. Dad also passed away a number of years ago, he softened her ways and was more loving.
Karen CL Anderson (life coach) has great resources about coming to terms with difficult mother/daughter relationships.

People will low self esteem and pleasers are easy to control and Im unsure if that’s what’s happening. I don’t know.

https://neuroclastic.com/having-autistic-parents-when-you-are-neurotypical/

Just gonna drop this here for you. I would imagine you would feel somewhere between “seething and despondent” too, if you spend your childhood being gaslit like the woman in Breakout room 2 in the link was.

I think it highlights that what you desire is not possible. Maybe keep LC at a level which doesn’t upset, and hold firm boundaries. If you feeling ignored and upset because [reasons] is OK, then what’s good for the goose.

Just because she’s your Mum, and just because she’s ND does not give her a free pass. If she has no insight, and no interest then so be it. She can live with the consequences- same as you’ve done.

Fascinating essay from neuroclastic.

That’s the issue I have, not even realising that we are different and thats ok. Sometimes she openly laughs at me and makes a joke about just how pointless she deems something I did or I like to be. Not any acceptance that perhaps we are a little different, just pure ignorance it feels. How does she not think that is hurtful or has never learned that’s not a kind thing to do. I have wondered if she feels happy if she makes me feel as crap on the inside as she does. She doesn’t treat me like a person. I hardly see her anyway anymore.

I’m sorry she is so invalidating.

How is she with your successes OP? Does she undermine/ sabotage them?

I do wonder whether she struggles with you being the focus of attention - hence the comment about you being emotional. Relationships involve energy going back and forth and it must be exhausting to get so little back from her.

@Sprinkl3 she doesn’t acknowledge them, she’s isn’t here or there she is nothing about them. Maybe occasionally she will laugh at me or make a joke that makes them seem insignificant. I had quite a drastic hair cut, like over a foot and died from dark to blonde with a fringe cut in…really noticeable. She said nothing until I said how weird I felt with a fringe, her response was simply then don’t look at yourself.

MoveToParis I read that article last year and I felt so validated. 'Death by a thousand paper cuts' summed it up. It sounds dramatic but sadly it's so true.

I think the reason I use the word gaslit is because the writer seems to want simultaneously to have no deficit just “different heuristics”, whilst also demanding full credit in terms of slack for actions due to the autism related deficits.

So the child of the autistic parent should (a) check her privilege (b) whilst pretending that no such privilege exists and (c) also write off her parents as abusers, even when the action taken is specifically driven by their autism.

Honestly, the writer’s core belief shining through is “if autists struggle, then what’s your problem?” It does seem to demonstrate black and white thinking/ learned responses, and an inability to really accept other peoples’ perspectives.

But I’m glad you found it helpful. Perhaps someone could write “How to parent your NT child- a guide for Autists.”

It’s awful that anyone has to suffer from their parents. I do feel a sense that I can’t really talk about it to family because “she can’t help it”, “she is how she is”. Just more invalidating really.

It really did cause chaos in my life. I got into an abusive relationship. I handed over my power so easily. I allowed him to tell me what I needed, what I was scared of. He’d tell me I was too sensitive. He’d shout and throw stuff and I let it all pass believing I made it happen. I couldn’t tell my mum, he was a lot like her though. I thought I could please him into changing. What a mess that was.

I just wanted to add that my experience of my mum and her “autism” may not be how she actually sees it or meant it but it’s how I perceive it.

I would also recommend therapy. There is a point as children that we learnt to try and 'understand' our parents in order to make our environment feel safe if that wasn't coming naturally, and I think therapy can help us to begin to disengage from that process as adults and live our own lives. From here we can make a choice about our level of engagement with our parents. In my opinion the diagnosis then becomes less important as we just accept the relationship for what it is. We can heal from our childhood once we stop operating from the same place where we are stuck. Good luck.

I think you would benefit from a good therapist who also has expertise in autism. It is like you and your mother are speaking in a language that the other does not understand. You need someone to help you build a bridge to communicate effectively. Your mother needs to feel motivated to let you in without feeling overwhelmed. Would she consent to having one or two sessions with you and a therapist. You need to understand that your mother perceives the world differently and cannot deal with your pent up and understandable need for expressions of love. Wishing you well in what must be a very painful situation.