How do we get my BIL to leave our house

[Queenofheart]

My DH brother came to live with us 4 months ago after the breakdown of his marriage.

He registered with the council as homeless as it was his wife’s house and she kicked him out.

It was only meant to be temporary, he’s applying for council rentals due to them being a lot cheaper than private, but even though he’s been offered a couple he has turned them down due to them being out of our area, 10/15 mins away, which is why me and DH now think he’s not getting anything offered, they don’t see him as an urgent case.

He can afford private rent, he just doesn’t want to pay it, so he’s plodding along here with no urgency to go anywhere.

He’s made a few comments to my DH recently about him being a bit of a stress head, that we are a loud house and he likes his peace, yes, we like music on, we have friends round at weekend. It’s our house!

The final straw for me was when we had friends round for the England match and we were all mega excited and shouting, he was putting his hands over his ears, rolling his eyes, my friend tried to chat to him, he pretty much ignored her, at half time I did food, he waited until I’d served up, grabbed his food and took himself off to his room.

I feel he’s rude commenting on how we live when he’s a bloody guest in our home.

also he’s mentioned he’ll still be here at Christmas at this rate as he can’t find anywhere, which is not happening. He’s in our guest room so we can’t have people stay either now.

me and DH are on same page, we want to give him 2 months max to leave. He has a daughter with a spare room , tho she’s not in our area, but we want him gone now, he’s making me uncomfortable in my own home sometimes.

how do we sort this without falling out or him feeling we are kicking him out?

Your DH gives him a date that he has to be out by, and stick to it.
I hope he’s contributing to the household?

I think giving him a deadline is a good idea. September 1st? At that time, you may have to arrange a van for his stuff.

Actively help him seek accommodation -

spare rooms.com,
private rental etc

I think there will be a degree of kicking him out/falling out etc.

Can you arrange visitors to come in September, and you need to redecorate before they come etc?

and yes, he is rude.

Well you and your husband are on the same page so that's a good start.

You've also agreed you'd like to give him 2 months notice so no argument there either.

So you tell.him that.

Stick to the facts and don't become emotive about it.

It was only ever a temporary arrangement until he got himself on his feet.

He's turned down tenancy offers he's been made and refuses to rent privately so now its his choice rather than circumstance that means he has no home of his own.

Therefore, you are giving him 2 months to leave.

There is no need to worry about him falling out with you as he is not worried about you falling out with him for taking the piss.

If it gets to that date and he hasn't gone, his stuff goes out on the lawn and he presents at the council as homeless.

He can only stay there indefinitely if you allow him to.

Can you arrange visitors to come in September

I think this is what I'd do. Either arrange for or invent a friend coming to stay on 5th Sept so you need the room back by 1st at the latest.

I think the above advice is all great and can be combined. You need to stop worrying about falling out given the character of the man. The type of man who assumes your home is his until Christmas and beyond and doesn't consider the impact on you is not a considerate person.

Hopefully someone better and nicer with words can come along and help script something but I would take the view that a falling out is quite the possibility and you might as well rip the plaster off. I say this having had my BIL stay with us for a lot longer. If at any point I had said it was enough DH would have given his brother notice. He is being ridiculously choosy at your expense. Christmas is a long way away.

Deadlines for sure. He sounds like a 12 year old!!

I don't think you can do it nicely. Just be factual.

"BIL, you've been with us for 4 months now and as this was a temporary arrangement, it is time for you to leave. We would like you out by 1st September. We need our house back and the date is non negotiable".

Then stick to it. Don't discuss anything more with him.

Also if he starts to complain or push back just repeat the line "you need to be out by 1 September". Again and again. Don't discuss anything further.

Why is your DH not doing or saying anything? It's his brother, he has to sort it out.

Don't fall into the trap of making yourself the bad guy here...

He’s probably thinking he doesn’t want to spend Christmas on his own - but if he has a daughter he’s more her ‘responsibility’ than his brother and SIL.

Has he been contributing with chores or bills whilst he's been staying with you? Whatever, give him until 1 sept to find somewhere else. Your DH needs to stand up to him.

You just say it. There’s no need to feel bad you d housed him for months. I’d want my spare room back earlier so I’d say so.

Start charging him rent. Really high rent.

Also, backdate it

My BIL is still in with my in-laws two years down the track. He tells them his ex has all the money but this isn’t true - we think he’s building his savings up by living rent and bill free. It’s affecting their marriage and affecting my FIL’s quality of life (I think my MIL likes it but that’s a whole other story). Be warned, if you don’t put down clear boundaries in the early days it only gets harder

You just have to tell him - well, DH does!
He's behaving like an entitled teenager

What's happening with his wife though, are they getting divorced as he will likely be entitled to a proportion of the house? (Depending on length of marriage, kids etc)

Start charging rent equivalent to private rent . It's not unreasonable, and in his interest then to leave as might as well pay elsewhere to have his own space.

He's a CF and is taking you both for mugs.
I wouldn't be giving him two months. Two weeks and NO apology.
You need to verbalise to your husband that you are BEYOND over his mother staying and you want him out asap.

If ye fall out, what harm would be my view.

Turn that music up op. Too loud bil? Then there's the bloody door. What a cf.

Would definitely not be giving him 2 months notice. Considering how long he has out stayed his weloxxme and turned down good rentals, I would give him 2 weeks notice.
He hasn't been appreciative of your kindness so why put up with his behaviour for 2 more months.
His rudeness to your guest, eould be the last straw for me.

He's been offered council properties and turned them down ?

Sorry, no advice just shocked as I was under the impression people waited years for council housing.

You are all being very generous. A month is long enough if he can afford private rent.

Give him a month and your husband tells him, this is how we live and you're a guest here. If it's too much for you, then it might be best to go now.

He gets a deadline to leave and until then he pays rent and his groceries and does chores.

He is hoping to mooch off you forever and for to change the way you live to suit him.

If he has turned down council properties he won't be offered more.

His first reaction will be that you have hurt and betrayed him. He obviously wants to stay, so will make out that you are the unreasonable ones and everything is stacked against him. You just need to stay polite and firm and accept that some falling out is inevitable. Otherwise he will still be sulking about your guests and music in 5 years time.

If he can afford private rent then he doesn't need a council house or to live with you. He needs a deadline to move out by.

Make sure that you play loud music every day, every night and have friends over every weekend..