How do we get my BIL to leave our house

[Queenofheart]

My DH brother came to live with us 4 months ago after the breakdown of his marriage.

He registered with the council as homeless as it was his wife’s house and she kicked him out.

It was only meant to be temporary, he’s applying for council rentals due to them being a lot cheaper than private, but even though he’s been offered a couple he has turned them down due to them being out of our area, 10/15 mins away, which is why me and DH now think he’s not getting anything offered, they don’t see him as an urgent case.

He can afford private rent, he just doesn’t want to pay it, so he’s plodding along here with no urgency to go anywhere.

He’s made a few comments to my DH recently about him being a bit of a stress head, that we are a loud house and he likes his peace, yes, we like music on, we have friends round at weekend. It’s our house!

The final straw for me was when we had friends round for the England match and we were all mega excited and shouting, he was putting his hands over his ears, rolling his eyes, my friend tried to chat to him, he pretty much ignored her, at half time I did food, he waited until I’d served up, grabbed his food and took himself off to his room.

I feel he’s rude commenting on how we live when he’s a bloody guest in our home.

also he’s mentioned he’ll still be here at Christmas at this rate as he can’t find anywhere, which is not happening. He’s in our guest room so we can’t have people stay either now.

me and DH are on same page, we want to give him 2 months max to leave. He has a daughter with a spare room , tho she’s not in our area, but we want him gone now, he’s making me uncomfortable in my own home sometimes.

how do we sort this without falling out or him feeling we are kicking him out?

Hang on, he can afford private rent but wants the council to house him??

Good for you OP. Don’t let him guilt trip you over it either.

Aah, okay, I hadn't realised that he's also a manipulative bugger. this is pretty classic behaviour from someone with narcissistic tendencies - he's playing the victim. so he has behaved appallingly. But rather than acknowledging that he has been thoughtless, he is turning it around and making out that he is a victim and that you are being mean by calling him out. He "can't help" how he is. Things "are hard" for him. He just "needs support" etc etc etc.

You are now supposed to be worried about him. I suspect he'll ghost you - so if you /your Dh text him, he'll ignore you for a few days or even weeks. The goal here is for you to pick up on the "I will just be homeless" point so that you're totally stressed and worried and will come rushing to his aid to rescue him. In fact, ideally, he's waiting for an apology for the way you and your Dh have treated him.

I'm not in the slightest bit sympathetic. he doesn't have to be homeless. He has money and, more importantly, he's actually managed to get a council house that he's refused to accept.

I am starting to suspect his ex wife is likely to be breathing a big sigh of relief he's gone. I am a BIT worried however that he'll use this as an attempt to hoover her back in. I don't know what your relationship with her is like but if appropriate, perhaps warn her that he's gone off in a huff?

Great result!!! Get him out and maybe in the fullness of time you can make amends.

Don’t bend now, don’t feel sorry for him, this is your chance to get him out.
Maybe when this keeps happening, and he has to move on from his next home, he will realise that he is the common denominator.

Well done and Keep strong!

How rude. Hes deffo going to play the victim card, poor me etc. No wonder his wife got shot, he sounds like an arse. Agree stick case in garage/garden wherever.

Good for you OP. Hope he's on the way out - licking his wounds perhaps, but got the message.

Great you had the chat which seems to have been the kick he needed. 🤞🏼

I agree, really bloody rude after what we've done for him!

Yes, I only told him this morning as he was around last night and didn't want him to hear. DH in complete agreement with everything I said, he's very dissapointed that he's just upped and cleared out and not said a word, really rude imo.

Agree with this, this is why I'm hacked off, because he's cherry picking when he's got nowhere.

yes! he can afford private, but is chosing council because it's a lot cheaper!

I think he will tell anyone that will listen we've kicked him out, I know different and that isn't the case, it was only ever meant to be temporary.

I don't speak to his ex unfortunately, mainly because I felt our loyalty was to him as my DH brother, however, I agree to some extent why she'd had enough!

She's moved on now so he's no chance of going back there.

I'm still trying to get my head around being able to pick and choose council housing.

I was a bit confused about the whole issue of him leaving his wife and her name only being on the tenancy.... I bet he never paid his share of the rent there either and she eventually got tired of his attitude and kicked him out. I'm sort of surprised though that he didn't find some way just to squat there for months or years on end.

Thank you :)

I do feel like messaging him and telling him to stop acting like a bloody baby, it's downright rude after what we've done for him. I won't though.

That's the thing, they won't accept he's cherry picking, he can't refuse a house because he doesn't like the area, if he's homeless he'd accept anything.

his ex had the rental house and he moved into it, he contributed, though not much, and yes she got tired of his behaviour and kicked him out.

You should have a hard conversation with your husband that he allowed YOU and YOUR home to be treated like this.

A good man would NOT allow this.

Fumigate the room.
Accept he is gone.....for good.
Change looks if necessary.
Tell your husband you are pissed it took YOU to sort this.

FEEL NO GUILT WHATSOEVER.
Do not accept him back under any circumstances.

We teach people how to treat us and you and your husband showed yourself to be mugs and were treated thus.

Enjoy the peace and savour it.
You did it and got him out.....but you need to have firm words with your husband.

This should never happen again.

What a pity you never felt any compassion or empathy for his Ex wife.
God knows what she tolerated and is delighted to be rid of him.

Did she offend you specifically that you chose to have no futher contact with her?

Honestly, if it wasn't for the fact that your BIL has a grown up DD and the fact that your DH is your BIL's brother, I would think that your BIL is also MY (ex)BIL and that my SIL is his ex. The similarities are scary.

I find it really weird how often these sorts of scenarios play out. 99% of us can see how batshit and ridiculous it is, but there are enough people who have this sort of crazy disordered thinking out there that these things keep happening.

Well done for calling him out. He absolutely WILL accuse you of all kinds of shit. If your extended family and friends are like us, they will see through it pretty quickly. And, based on the comments about you all having older children, I'm guessing that he is a bit older in which case, the good news, is that the smear campaign he's about to launch is less likely to be successful. People like this often get away with it when they'r eyounger, but as they get older, and the bullshit becomes more and more obvious, the scales fall away from more and more people's eyes (hence exBIL has almost no relationship with his siblings - he did attempt to move in with one like yours did with you, but it lasted no more than about 10 days because he behaved so badly, including constantly smoking weed around their 10 year old dd that he was kicked out).

Mind blowing. SIL has tried to get exBIL a council house on the basis that he's homeless... but NOTHING. He has no dependents so even as homeless, he's not at the top of the list. My dislike for your BIL is growing I'm afraid.

People will nod along when he talks but anyone who really knows him will know there's more to it. We probably all know people who we do this with. Only new people in their lives are taken in.

I think I would be sending him a message telling him how utterly rude and ungrateful he is and that he might want to take a long hard look at himself! I come from a bit of a no holds barred family though and he'd have been read the riot act months ago here.

Is he a bit of the golden child of the family? Even now your husband seems to be being quite avoidant of the whole situation, I notice you've done all the hard bits so far!

How old is he? Over 55 housing is quicker to get than standard housing association.

I understand that you and your DH have chosen to take BIL's "side" in the split, but if you previously had a good relationship with her, I'd be inclined to reach out. I've read so many posts on here from women who get out of relationships with abusive, controlling men and so often one of the things they find hardest is that his family seems to think he can do no wrong and that his behaviour is ok. I often wonder if in reality they just feel that it's inappropriate to maintain a relationship.

I'm not saying you should be going drinking with her or whatever, but I'm just thinking that, especially if she is your niece's mother, some acknowledgement probably would make her feel a lot better.

Well it would have been better coming from your DH Op, but you did a very thorough job and I congratulate you! He had sulky traits about the noise but I didn't expect him to up and off just like that but that's all to the good. If he had a key I'd be changing the locks, just to be sure

To answer a few of your questions, we didn't know he was going to be taking the piss when he moved in and we haven't allowed it, we've now done something about it.

My DH was going to have the chat with him, he had no issues doing this, however, me having a conversation with him last night led to me saying it ... I would have preferred to have done it that way as it came naturally than having to wait another day because their other brother was round.

What a pity you never felt any compassion or empathy for his Ex wife.
God knows what she tolerated and is delighted to be rid of him.
Did she offend you specifically that you chose to have no futher contact with her?

Re his wife, we were really good friends over the years whilst they were together, however, when he moved in with us she messaged me and said she felt it would be wrong to stay in touch as he was living with us and she's met and moved on with someone else. I would be happy to stay in contact but I respect her wishes.

It would definitely have been better coming from my DH, I was definitely NOT doing it, but it just came about and felt the right time.

I didn't expect him to just up and go, it's childish and rude.