Looks like he’s leaving

[Endofaroad]

Not being getting on with DH for about 3/4 months.
Im not afraid to admit but I checked his Apple Watch last night and he was ringing numerous letting agents whilst I was out Friday.
We have been together for over 12 years, married 3 years, 2 primary school children.
Hes not discussed this with me, so it’ll be interesting to see how he does this. I know we need to go our separate ways but I’m so worried about the kids and angry at how he’s just given up. I suggested marriage counselling and he wouldn’t go so I’ve been having it myself.

Wondering at what point he’s going to say something or if I should ask him if he’s moving out.

Meh. Let him go.

If he can’t even have a conversation with you about it first then he’s not worth bothering with. He checked out when he said no to counselling.

Get yourself prepared mentally for him leaving. Don’t make a big deal when he tells you. Just say, “okay”.

Don’t lose your dignity.

You will be just fine on your own.

General advice is to have a place ready to go to before you tell your partner. What if he tells you he's leaving and you kick him out? Where is he supposed to go then?
It's very sensible of him yo get all of that organised before he has the talk with you.
He's under no obligation to go to the marriage counselling. He has the right to leave the marriage for any reason, same as you do.

Thank you. Ive been flitting between whether to go mad beforehand or just wait and see what happens. If he doesn’t move out in the next couple of months, I’m going to let him know that Ive seen it!

You've been together for 12 years, have children and because things have been a bit rocky for a few months he's leaving?

Surely all relationships have ups and downs. Do you think there could be more to this?

There's no need to go mad op, let him go calmly and keep yourself collected.

You've done what you can on your side, get your own ducks in a row, you can't make him want to be open or stay if he doesn't care anymore.

Look after yourself and keep up with the counselling.

Thanks, I know he has every right. I also have every right to be angry that he’s not wanted to sort it and is running away too.
I’m just going to leave it and see what happens and deal with it when it does I suppose!

12 year marriage and only the last 3/4 months have been rocky. And hes out looking for rental houses already.
And also doesn't seem to want to do anything to help save the marriage.

Sorry, but i'd be cherchez la femme. Perhaps that accounts for the rocky 3/4 months.
Look back and try and work out who and what has been causing the rocky patch.

Actually I think your vows would indicate you do have a an obligation to try marriage counselling. Also what utter rubbish , he's not looking for a place in case she kicks him out.. she can't bloody kick him out. She can't force him to leave unless there are serious circumstances at play even then it would be hard. 3 or 4 months of not getting on and then looking for a letting agent is the most stupid thing I've heard. Unless there are serious abuse issues which I haven't picked up on you don't end your marriage like this. You're trying to make op think this behaviour is ok from the husband . It is not.

Everybody has the right to leave the marriage for whatever reason. Same as OP has the right to be angry at him for not trying.
There's nowhere in the marriage vows that says you are obliged to keep trying if you don't want to. Where in the vows does it indicate you must try marriage counselling?

If he's going, I'd be tempted to nudge him along. Current status quo is going to feel like limbo and will probably mess your head badly. Use the time he's still with you to make sure financial arrangements, child care etc are covered how you need them to be. Sorry, but it's time to be pragmatic right now, the hurt and anger can come later.

How are you doing OP?

This.

If my husband was jumping ship after a few rocky months I’d help him along by asking him to leave. And I’d be very very suspicious.

I would wait it out, but at the same time I think there's probably another woman involved somewhere along the line - maybe someone who's married, too? What a horrible situation to be in, but at least he's planning to go and you're not forced to kick him out.

He’s told his parents that he’s looking for somewhere else to live but hasn’t told me yet. He played golf all day yesterday and is working all day today. We are completely ignoring each other in the house now. I told his mum I will never beg anyone to stay with me or love me and that’s that now.

@Endofaroad

how did you come to know he'd told his parents?

I think it's really disrespectful to have told them but not discussed it with you.

Would it have been possible for him to stay with them if he'd told you & he wanted to leave immediately?

if it was I'd say that looking for a property first is likely to indicate there is another woman on the scene, probably also married & they want somewhere to move to together. (Sorry)

is he looking locally or a distance away (some indication of how he intends to co parent)

prior to this shitty behaviour, did you still feel you loved him & wanted to work on your relationship, or were you coming to the conclusion it was beyond repair??

12 years & kids together, you deserve much more than this. I'm sorry he's turned out to be such a spineless wanker.

His mum rang me yesterday and now they’re trying to come round and interfere. They have the most horrendous relationship ever, so I will not be entertaining them trying to give marriage advice!!

I honestly don’t believe there is another woman involved. I just think he’s got severe emotional and communication problems. He cannot handle the fact that this time after arguing and him doing something wrong that I wouldn’t just go straight back to normal.

I was doubtful whether we could move forward, I asked him to go to marriage counselling and he said no.

i am too furious about the whole thing to be honest that he’s got that little respect for me that he would tell other people before he tells me that I want him to pack his bags and go. Although it would be more convenient if he stayed until the school holidays but not necessarily better for the kids as the atmosphere is bad.

Have some plans in place, even if it’s just buying some new decor.

Start looking forward to him leaving and having the house to yourself.

He goes, the shitty atmosphere goes. You can just be you. Bliss.

I want him to pack his bags and go

Then tell him that. When he comes back from work tell him.
It will be better for everyone concerned if he goes ASAP.

Just found an application on his phone for a flat and he’s put as his reason for move “split from wife”
mental when the wife doesn’t even know we’ve split!!!!

Does the at have room for the children?
Honestly id be saying to him to ensure there are enough rooms and that he will be doing 50//50, school runs, holidays etc.

Have you made any plans of your own OP? Got legal advice, looked into how you're going to cope financially, gathered all financial documents etc I don't know why you keep checking his phone as it's an invasion of privacy and you already know he's going. It might be an idea to redirect your focus.

I don’t know what his plans are. The flat is about a 40 minute drive from the kids school so he’s not going to be able to do school runs. He currently drops the kids to school everyday. I should be able to change my hours at work but I am assuming he’s just expecting to have them some weekends. I am checking his phone as how else am I supposed to know what is going on?
I asked him about it the other day and he said he would tell me when he’s ready!!!
I need to see a solicitor don’t I. He’s got a 2 bedroom flat. The kids are 10 and 7 boy and girl.

Well I think it's time you burst his delusional misogynistic bubble OP.

Take control of this situation and tell him how things are going to be. Stop waiting for this pathetic little man to tell you what your life is going to be

He can leave now. He needs to make sure he can do 50/50 with HIS children and quite frankly he can fuck off today since he doesn't even respect you enough to tell you what's going on.

Find your anger, then channel it into getting the outcome you want and what's best for your children, not you r pathetic soon to be Ex husbands.

He's getting his proverbial ducks in a row. I'd be doing the same to be prepared.

Look into CMS, gather all financial documents before he leaves and you have no access eg pension, wages, investments, savings. See a family law solicitor. Use a benefit calculator to see what you may be entitled to.