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Original poster

Looks like he’s leaving

103 replies

Endofaroad · 04/07/2024 11:00

Not being getting on with DH for about 3/4 months.
Im not afraid to admit but I checked his Apple Watch last night and he was ringing numerous letting agents whilst I was out Friday.
We have been together for over 12 years, married 3 years, 2 primary school children.
Hes not discussed this with me, so it’ll be interesting to see how he does this. I know we need to go our separate ways but I’m so worried about the kids and angry at how he’s just given up. I suggested marriage counselling and he wouldn’t go so I’ve been having it myself.

Wondering at what point he’s going to say something or if I should ask him if he’s moving out.

OP posts:
Fizzyjuice · 13/07/2024 09:33

You need to be having the conversation with him now OP. Because he's going to come up with his wee plan of how he wants everything to be (ie fuck off into the sunset) which isn't necessarily going to work for you.

What do you want to happen? 50/50? Who owns the house? What do you want to happen with it? How much maintenance will he need to pay? Get everything that you need worked out and in place. Then speak to him.

When I split from my ex, I had everything in place so that we he started the script, I had a calm 20 minute conversation with him where I explained to him how much maintenance he was legally obliged to pay, what days and times I expected him to have the kids, what I expected in terms of school holidays etc and that I wanted to stay in the house with the kids.

Don't get caught napping here OP. He wants out of the marriage. You need to start looking out for your kids best interests now and your own.

Bittenonce · 13/07/2024 09:35

@Endofaroad i know I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again - you’ve got to get the practical stuff sorted now - timing, money, kids. Feels like everything is his timing, his plans, you’ll know what he wants you to, when he’s ready. Please take some control, make sure things are sorted the way you and the kids need them to be, not just what suits him. You can’t control the fact that the relationship is over but you don’t need to lie down and let him walk over you. He’s just being a tw*t now

Ayeyourebeingadick · 13/07/2024 09:35

‘Hey soon to be ex, what’s your new address? I’m just doing the CMS application and my solicitor needs it’

Mischance · 13/07/2024 09:45

So - you have both fallen out in a big way and the marriage is at an end, but you still have access to his phone and can follow his every move on that? Sounds a bit odd.

He is making his plans, which is fair enough if he sees the marriage as over. So - you must make your plans, detailed ones and tell him you are doing so. Don't play this cat and mouse game, hiding important information. In order for you to plan you need some clarity about how you will both manage finances and care of the children.

Stop being angry that he is keeping plans from you, and stop keeping your plans from him! You have to approach this in a mature way - your children's happiness is at stake. They are who matter now.

Original poster
Endofaroad · 13/07/2024 11:42

He doesn’t know I have access to it. It’s on his watch. He’s locked all his other devices down. I work in a school, he’s self employed. He’s moving away from the area so I am assuming that he has no plan to help during the week. He’s filled in what’s called a pre tenant agreement which I am assuming is an application to rent. I am guess he isn’t telling me until he gets confirmation it’s accepted. I have already had a meeting with a mortgage advisor. Next steps is a solicitor.
I am so worried about how the kids are going to react to all of this, it’s breaking my heart.

OP posts:
protectoroftherealm · 13/07/2024 11:57

Endofaroad · 13/07/2024 11:42

He doesn’t know I have access to it. It’s on his watch. He’s locked all his other devices down. I work in a school, he’s self employed. He’s moving away from the area so I am assuming that he has no plan to help during the week. He’s filled in what’s called a pre tenant agreement which I am assuming is an application to rent. I am guess he isn’t telling me until he gets confirmation it’s accepted. I have already had a meeting with a mortgage advisor. Next steps is a solicitor.
I am so worried about how the kids are going to react to all of this, it’s breaking my heart.

So, what plans have you got for if he tells you tonight? What do you mean by he has no plan to 'help' during the week? He isn't your helper, he's the kids parent so while he's day dreaming about not being a parent in the week, what are you doing to ensure that he is?

TheSquareMile · 13/07/2024 12:13

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Original poster
Endofaroad · 13/07/2024 12:36

protectoroftherealm · 13/07/2024 11:57

So, what plans have you got for if he tells you tonight? What do you mean by he has no plan to 'help' during the week? He isn't your helper, he's the kids parent so while he's day dreaming about not being a parent in the week, what are you doing to ensure that he is?

Show quote history

How do you suggest I do that?

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 13/07/2024 13:04

I'd just kick him out now and be done with it. He can go and stay at his parents place.

protectoroftherealm · 13/07/2024 13:10

@Endofaroad By having the conversation. He thinks he's got the upper hand by doing it all on the hush. What do you want? What do you get out of it while he's off planning his best life?

Original poster
Endofaroad · 13/07/2024 13:21

He’s moving to an absolutely shit looking flat so I don’t believe he has the upper hand. I am going to speak to him this weekend. He’s out pretty much all weekend, as usual so will need to find the right time when the kids aren’t around. I am tempted to just tell him I’ve seen that and that I want him to go.

OP posts:
gardenmusic · 13/07/2024 13:39

cupcaske123 · Today 09:29
Look into CMS, gather all financial documents before he leaves and you have no access eg pension, wages, investments, savings. See a family law solicitor. Use a benefit calculator to see what you may be entitled to.

This. Make sure you have access to money, in case he doesn't come up with any. Take your share of any joint accounts. Change your passwords.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 13/07/2024 13:46

My only add to this is - make sure you are covered childcare wise. All this 'make sure he has the kids 50/50' is pie in the sky, he could take to his heels and not have them at all. So make sure you are all right in that event.

gardenmusic · 13/07/2024 13:49

Mischance · Today 09:45
So - you have both fallen out in a big way and the marriage is at an end, but you still have access to his phone and can follow his every move on that? Sounds a bit odd.

He is making his plans, which is fair enough if he sees the marriage as over. So - you must make your plans, detailed ones and tell him you are doing so. Don't play this cat and mouse game, hiding important information. In order for you to plan you need some clarity about how you will both manage finances and care of the children.

Stop being angry that he is keeping plans from you, and stop keeping your plans from him! You have to approach this in a mature way - your children's happiness is at stake. They are who matter now.

But the fact is that he thinks he is going to blindside her. He is already several steps ahead of her. He thinks he will tell her when it suits him, and walk away, returning for childcare and discussions when and if it suits him.
He did not say 'I am looking to move out, let's talk about how to minimise this for the children.' He thinks he is going to present her with fait accompli.

I am glad that you do not understand how devious these men can be.
Too many women are left with no money to pay the bills and keep the home going- add to that that he is self employed, and OP could be in serious trouble.

ForKeenDeer · 13/07/2024 13:50

TomatoSandwiches · 04/07/2024 11:18

There's no need to go mad op, let him go calmly and keep yourself collected.

You've done what you can on your side, get your own ducks in a row, you can't make him want to be open or stay if he doesn't care anymore.

Look after yourself and keep up with the counselling.

Whilst you're partially right ,in a society that makes us feel we have to stay, we all have the right to end things and not feel obligated to stay for children or family. We all know deep when we've checked out. So many miserable couples out there in their later years.

ForKeenDeer · 13/07/2024 13:51

ForKeenDeer · 13/07/2024 13:50

Whilst you're partially right ,in a society that makes us feel we have to stay, we all have the right to end things and not feel obligated to stay for children or family. We all know deep when we've checked out. So many miserable couples out there in their later years.

Show quote history

Wrong poster 🤣 sorry

DullFanFiction · 13/07/2024 14:00

Fizzyjuice · 13/07/2024 09:33

You need to be having the conversation with him now OP. Because he's going to come up with his wee plan of how he wants everything to be (ie fuck off into the sunset) which isn't necessarily going to work for you.

What do you want to happen? 50/50? Who owns the house? What do you want to happen with it? How much maintenance will he need to pay? Get everything that you need worked out and in place. Then speak to him.

When I split from my ex, I had everything in place so that we he started the script, I had a calm 20 minute conversation with him where I explained to him how much maintenance he was legally obliged to pay, what days and times I expected him to have the kids, what I expected in terms of school holidays etc and that I wanted to stay in the house with the kids.

Don't get caught napping here OP. He wants out of the marriage. You need to start looking out for your kids best interests now and your own.

Yep. I agree there.

He is making his plans to suit him. He is going to rent so where where he can’t have the kids.

Don’t let him!! Take charge and tell him what YOU expect.

DullFanFiction · 13/07/2024 14:04

Endofaroad · 13/07/2024 12:36

How do you suggest I do that?

Show quote history

You do as @Fizzyjuice did.

You decide what you want and what sort of contact feels ok to you.
You tell him. You remind him of his responsibilities as a parent (because it’s about them and not about you there) - how is he going to have the dcs overnight if he only has one bedroom for them Etc….
Remind him of CM. That you are planning to stay in the house.

JFDIYOLO · 13/07/2024 14:20

Get a solicitor appt asap and discover rights and his financial responsibilities

Bite the bullet

Calmly ask him how he's getting on with the flat hunting

What his plans are, when he's going, because you need to make your own plans, what he thinks he'll be taking with him because that will need your agreement

How many bedrooms the flat has because of course he will be sharing responsibility for having the kids

Then present him with the schedule - when he's doing the pick up and drop off, appointments, etc

I'd be transferring exactly half the contents of any joint accounts into my own

greenpolarbear · 13/07/2024 14:27

What actually happened 3/4 months ago that's caused you to not get on since? Was it a one-off event or a cumulation of 12 years of niggles?

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 13/07/2024 14:34

Endofaroad · 13/07/2024 09:11

Just found an application on his phone for a flat and he’s put as his reason for move “split from wife”
mental when the wife doesn’t even know we’ve split!!!!

I think I would genuinely bolt the door and leave an overnight bag on the doorstep with a copy of that screenshot taped to it. Whatever the state of your marriage he is a horrible coward to be doing this, to you, and his children. He was obviously going to find a flat and just bugger off - help him out.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 13/07/2024 14:36

Ayeyourebeingadick · 13/07/2024 09:35

‘Hey soon to be ex, what’s your new address? I’m just doing the CMS application and my solicitor needs it’

I like this.

Gassylady · 13/07/2024 14:44

Another voice for the chorus for gathering financial information now. Sadly self employed means it is easier to disguise earnings and so wriggle out of payments. Also useful to have recent bank statements (spending on kids) pensions, insuranes and mortgage of course. Is all the money in a joint account or do you each have solo accounts too?

Original poster
Endofaroad · 14/07/2024 10:08

Does anyone know if I’m better off waiting for him to go rent somewhere rather than ask him to leave when it comes to divorce please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Endofaroad · 14/07/2024 10:11

It’s been 12 years of niggles to add.
the major one was that he took out a big loan I wasn’t aware of and then told me his finances were none of my business. He’s got no respect for me, and me and the kids are way down on his priority list.

OP posts:
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