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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Looks like he’s leaving

103 replies

Endofaroad · 04/07/2024 11:00

Not being getting on with DH for about 3/4 months.
Im not afraid to admit but I checked his Apple Watch last night and he was ringing numerous letting agents whilst I was out Friday.
We have been together for over 12 years, married 3 years, 2 primary school children.
Hes not discussed this with me, so it’ll be interesting to see how he does this. I know we need to go our separate ways but I’m so worried about the kids and angry at how he’s just given up. I suggested marriage counselling and he wouldn’t go so I’ve been having it myself.

Wondering at what point he’s going to say something or if I should ask him if he’s moving out.

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 14/07/2024 10:11

See a family law solicitor today and take it from there

gardenmusic · 14/07/2024 10:14

I would not tell him to leave in case he won't - that's stalemate, because you cannot make him, but more importantly, you need to take steps to ensure that he cannot attach any loans to the home.
Someone with more experience, please post on this, and how OP can protect the home in the short term.

ZebraD · 14/07/2024 10:22

He will only do what he wants with the kids. People saying tell him what he will be doing are ridiculous! You can’t force someone to be there for their own children sadly, also it’s not a healthy way to move forward.
I would suggest you try, as angry as you are, to be rational and work towards a bette relationship apart than you have together. For the sake of the kids! They are the most important people here.

Walking12345 · 14/07/2024 10:23

Definitely get your own legal advice as someone on here may tell you something that turns out to be incorrect.
From my understanding, in the UK, the divorce settlement and arrangements aren’t impacted by who decides to end it and why. You need to find that out from a professional though. A lot of it seems to be judgement. There is case history to go on but if it goes to court it’s down to the judge and each case is decided on merit. Each circumstance is different. If you don’t go to court then it’s all down to negotiation. Unfortunately I’ve found this isn’t just a one off thing.

DullFanFiction · 14/07/2024 10:32

@ZebraD I think the OP has done and is doing the ‘let’s be rational and work together’ bit. For a long time too.

Telling him she’d expect him to see the dcs <insert frequency EOW, 50/50, whatever> is NOT about being angry and irrational.
Of course he can and will do whatever he wants! But the aim is for the OP to reclaim some control over the situation. It’s about her stating what her needs and wants are and more importantly and the needs and wants of the CHILDREN are. And that both of those are just as important as his needs and wants,
Like ‘How are you going to see the dcs and have them overnight if you only have one bedroom for them?’ Or ‘how often are you going to see the dcs? Because going from taking them to school everyday to not being there at all is going to be a huge shock’.

He is the one who is planning to leave wo a second thought for the dcs. So telling the OP it’s unreasonable to ask to take them into consideration is a bit rich.
And as far as I’m concerned, if he then gets angry because he has been reminded of his obligations and responsibilities, then it simply shows how unreasonnable HE is. It’s not taunting him to remind him of those. Or that the OP has the right to have her own aims and wants rather than meekly work around him.

Trucklepops · 14/07/2024 10:36

Sorry you're going through this, OP.

I think a lot of MN live in a bubble and have an idealised view of the world.
"Make an application to CMS and you'll get child maintenance" LOL NO, NOT NECESSARILY!
"Tell him you expect him to look after the children 50/50 and he will have to do that and it will all be fine" LOL HE'LL PROBABLY JUST TELL YOU TO FUCK OFF!

If he's self-employed, he can screw you over with child maintenance if he wants to. Contrary to the posters who are advising you that you can insist on 50/50 contact, you can't! He can pretty much do whatever he wants and you can't do anything about it.

I'm not taking any delight in telling you that by the way. I think it's a massive issue in our society and it's so shit for women and children.

Focus on yourself and what you can do to look after yourself. Keep up the therapy if you can but have it more focused in you instead of on rebuilding the marriage. Get proper legal advice as a priority. Check out Gingerbread, the single parent charity.

Rainbow1901 · 14/07/2024 10:37

As others have said you need to be thinking about your future and how you will share future childcare - be it 50/50 or whatever. You seem to be reactive to everything and need to change that and be proactive. I wouldn't tell him that you are aware of what he is doing by whatever means you are finding out that will just annoy him further. You have issues with him taking out loans do a free check on one of the free credit check companies - so you know what is going on and if it has any impact on you personally.
He has said that he is leaving and wont do marriage counselling so no point flogging a dead horse. You need to move on quickly - being reasonable - ask him what he will need from your shared house - bits of furniture, personal belongings, don't let him leave any crap - declutter him out. Will he need spares sets of kids bedding and clothing? He is a father and that will not change so don't him shirk those responsibilities especially when it comes to telling the kids what's going on.
It is rubbish for you - but he is trying to retain the upper hand by telling everyone but you what he is doing. You simply reinforce that with people but let them know that he is not being fair to you or the children as 'they' probably know more than you as he will not open discussions about this life changing event with the people that his actions will affect most.
If it comes to it - start packing his stuff for him and prove that you will not be reticent when it comes to you and the children.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 14/07/2024 11:04

Wakemeup17 · 04/07/2024 14:05

Everybody has the right to leave the marriage for whatever reason. Same as OP has the right to be angry at him for not trying.
There's nowhere in the marriage vows that says you are obliged to keep trying if you don't want to. Where in the vows does it indicate you must try marriage counselling?

Er, that is literally what a vow means: you have promised to do something (in this case, to stay with your spouse even after the shine wears off being married) even if you later change your mind and don’t want to.

It’s a moral obligation. These days we don’t expect people to stay in abusive relationships. But sounds as if he’s not even trying not to break his vow.

Endofaroad · 14/07/2024 11:08

I’m not arguing about the marriage. It’s over. I just want advice on how to best move forward for the kids sake. Thank you for the posters that have given me advice. I have spoken to a friend and am looking to speak with a solicitor.
my issue is, him actually getting a flat could take months and in all honestly, after this weekend this situation is making me ill and I’m a complete shadow of myself! I spent all day yesterday and much of this morning crying every time I think about telling the kids. Meanwhile, he was out at golf all day which is just a typical weekend for him. The 6 week holidays are coming up, which I do all the childcare for as I’m in a school and I just feel it’ll be better for the kids to get used to the change over this time rather than in September when they go back to school. DDs birthday is also near the end of August which makes me well up just thinking about!!

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 14/07/2024 11:12

Endofaroad · 13/07/2024 11:42

He doesn’t know I have access to it. It’s on his watch. He’s locked all his other devices down. I work in a school, he’s self employed. He’s moving away from the area so I am assuming that he has no plan to help during the week. He’s filled in what’s called a pre tenant agreement which I am assuming is an application to rent. I am guess he isn’t telling me until he gets confirmation it’s accepted. I have already had a meeting with a mortgage advisor. Next steps is a solicitor.
I am so worried about how the kids are going to react to all of this, it’s breaking my heart.

Can you tell him to go and stay at his parents until he can move to the new place? Good for you to see a solicitor and start planning your next steps. Your little ones will be ok - yes it's difficult in the short term but they will adapt, children do. Try to keep your (very understandable) anger out of it in front of them. The worst thing for children is not divorce, it's anger and acrimony between their parents. Keep them out of it as much as possible. Rant to your friends about him when the kids are not there!

I also wouldn't be too sure that there's not another woman. There usually is 😒

TheSquareMile · 14/07/2024 11:15

@Endofaroad

I would keep your powder dry for the next 24 hours, to be honest, OP.

See a solicitor tomorrow or on Tuesday, get clarity on your position and let them help you.

It will be better to have someone in place before you move on this.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Newnamesameoldlurker · 14/07/2024 11:20

Noseybookworm · 14/07/2024 11:12

Can you tell him to go and stay at his parents until he can move to the new place? Good for you to see a solicitor and start planning your next steps. Your little ones will be ok - yes it's difficult in the short term but they will adapt, children do. Try to keep your (very understandable) anger out of it in front of them. The worst thing for children is not divorce, it's anger and acrimony between their parents. Keep them out of it as much as possible. Rant to your friends about him when the kids are not there!

I also wouldn't be too sure that there's not another woman. There usually is 😒

Totally agree it would be best to tell him to go to his parents. It would be an awful limbo state for you to live with him for months until he can get into the flat. Good luck OP- stay strong you can do this.

cupcaske123 · 14/07/2024 11:22

You need to get as much information as possible before speaking to him or him moving out. Have you accessed the financial details yet? You'll need that info for the solicitors appointment.

As pp suggested, Gingerbread have a very good helpline for single parents and can tell you everything you need to discuss when you do talk to him regarding the children and other issues.

I would keep it together OP until you're clued up. He could very well start hiding financial details from you and has been prepared for a lot longer. So arm yourself as much as you can.

Endofaroad · 14/07/2024 11:25

I’ve taken photos of what he has said his annual income is on his rental applications. What do I need? Bank statements?

OP posts:
TheSquareMile · 14/07/2024 11:27

Endofaroad · 14/07/2024 11:25

I’ve taken photos of what he has said his annual income is on his rental applications. What do I need? Bank statements?

@Endofaroad

Yes to bank statements. Put them in your folder today.

Do you have any documentation from HMRC?

Anything from National Insurance?

cupcaske123 · 14/07/2024 11:32

Here’s a checklist to guide you:

Proof of ID and address, these are essential documents required for the solicitor to open your file and begin working on your matter.

Financial statements of all your bank accounts, investment accounts, and savings.

Income information, this includes your most recent P60 and 3 months of wage slips.

Property and other asset documentation, this includes valuations of any properties that you own in your sole name or jointly with someone else and the outstanding mortgages on these properties. Additionally, valuations of any other assets you may own is important such as a car, or jewellery.

If you or your spouse own a business, gather relevant business documents, including tax returns, and business valuation reports.

Compile a list of all outstanding debts, loans, and liabilities. This includes credit card statements, loan agreements, and documentation of any joint debts incurred during the marriage.

If you have a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement, bring a copy to the meeting. These documents outline any predetermined financial arrangements and can impact the divorce settlement.

Provide information on all insurance policies, including life insurance, health insurance, and any policies with a cash value.

If you have a pension/pensions, contact your provider to request a cash equivalent transfer value (CETV). This is required as pensions are an asset that are considered heavily within financial settlements.

If children are involved, gather information on their educational, healthcare, and extracurricular expenses. This will be vital in determining whether child maintenance is required.

Prepare a detailed breakdown of your monthly expenses and budget. This information helps in assessing the financial needs of each party and can influence the outcome.

DumbledoresWand · 14/07/2024 11:34

Much as him being at golf all weekend / not helping out over the school holidays is crap, use this time to gather as much information as you can.. bank statements, payslips - if not all online - if you can, try not to announce what you know til you have as much info as you think you can get... its difficult sometimes to keep a lid on stuff... and if you can, try and see a solicitor so they can offer advice specifically about your situation.

TheSquareMile · 14/07/2024 11:34

@Endofaroad

PS If he has a pension arranged, get details on that.

Ditto any holdings of shares, ISAs, bonds of any kind.

Obviously details of any property or anything else which could be considered an asset.

ZebraD · 14/07/2024 11:39

although you may not want to hear it he has every right to stay in the property just as you do. See a solicitor and get yourself sorted with the legal clarification that you need. Dont do anything until then would be my advice.

Endofaroad · 14/07/2024 12:02

He’s going to massively benefit from a divorce. I won’t. I put £100k of my inheritance into this house, he didn’t contribute anything. He doesn’t have a pension, I have a really good one. Although I earn around £30k and according to his rent applications he earns £50k

OP posts:
TheSquareMile · 14/07/2024 12:08

Endofaroad · 14/07/2024 12:02

He’s going to massively benefit from a divorce. I won’t. I put £100k of my inheritance into this house, he didn’t contribute anything. He doesn’t have a pension, I have a really good one. Although I earn around £30k and according to his rent applications he earns £50k

At this point, you won't know what the financial resolution will actually be.

Don't cause yourself more distress by imagining what you think might happen.

You really need to see a solicitor.

Have you been able to find a suitable one from the Law Society database?

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

AmandaHoldensLips · 14/07/2024 17:52

Get all your financials in order, including evidence of what you have put into the marriage, buying the house, etc. Because you will continue to be the primary care-giver and lived-with parent. This will have a significant impact on whatever financial award is made.

With regard to him leaving - I would make it plain that he is the one who has to sit down and say that he is leaving. This should not be on you, although of course you will need to do this in a joint parent manner. But he should not get off scot free.

So sorry for what you are going through.

Endofaroad · 26/07/2024 16:58

He has told me last night that he is leaving next week. Mental. 12 years and absolutely no respect for me!!

OP posts:
gardenmusic · 26/07/2024 17:03

Surely this is a good thing?
Better than him hanging around and too -ing and fro -ing and procrastinating.

Noseybookworm · 26/07/2024 17:07

Endofaroad · 26/07/2024 16:58

He has told me last night that he is leaving next week. Mental. 12 years and absolutely no respect for me!!

The sooner the better. You don't want him there if he wants to be gone. Keep your eyes on the future - this is the hard bit but you will be happy again on the other side. Life can be good again and you will get through this 💐