What is some advice for an almost 32-year-old virgin?

[lucky992]

I’m 31 and turning 32 on October 9, considered attractive by many, yet I'm a virgin who has never been in a relationship. I lead a normal life, am sociable, and run a small business, but my lack of intimate experience weighs heavily on me. I'm interested in a 28-year-old woman, but I fear she might reject me due to my inexperience. The feeling of shame is overwhelming, and as time passes, I worry it's too late for me. This situation stems from a past rejection that led me to avoid pursuing relationships, causing my insecurities to mount. Recently, I met a woman who works in a local shop, and I'm very drawn to her—it's been years since I've felt this way about anyone; I even dreamt about her. Please excuse any errors in my English. I understand that many women might be reluctant to date older male virgins, according to what I've read online. I'm open to any advice.

I wouldn't write that, no.

It's very formal and seems a bit contrived.

I'm presuming English is not your first language. It it the same for her?

I'm just trying to get a firm idea of your contact to date.

So she works on a shop/business, you've chatted a bit in the shop, you've swapped Instagram details, you've watched and liked her Instagram stories, she's now watched and like one of yours.

You're not 100% sure it's her who watched the story and liked it because it was done with the shop/ business's account, not a personal one of hers.

Did you also give her colleague your Instagram details? You said she only had one colleague (?)
Why would her colleague be the one watching your story if you've only given her your Instagram details?

Did she only give you the shop/business's Instagram details? Not a personal one?

Or does she use it as her personal one?

It seems like a good sign that she's watched one of your stories and liked it (as long as it's her and not her colleague). But it's obviously still not definitive re. being romantically interested.

Do you chat to the colleague too? Is it likely to have been them?

I'm not clear on whether they're just trying to engage with customers and promote their business etc with the Instagram account she's given you, or whether one or both of them uses it as a personal account. The two of them sharing a personal account would be odd.

In any case, the asking for recommendations re. Berlin seems contrived to me. It's obvious that it's an excuse to have contact/make conversation (because the web id full of travel information and reviews, and people's personal priorities and experiences vary a lot ... so you'd get a much better/wider overview by just looking at trip advisor reviews etc.).

I suppose it's ok to do it (knowing that she will presume it is an excuse for contact).but I'd make it waaay less formal and wordy. If you do do that, if write a short and casual message, like;

"Hey xxxxxx, would you recommend Berlin? Been thinking of doing a trip there for a while".

That's it.

Keep it short, light, and casual.
It's more likely to illicit a response when someone thinks they can quickly write a casual line or two in response.

If she responds, you can add more info., like that you'd be going with a group of guys, and what you/the guys are interested in.

If you get into conversation, I would ask if she'd like to WhatsApp or something.. because I wouldn't be asking her out on a date on a work/business account.
I would make sure she's happy to have communication on a personal SM account/messaging account before asking her on a date.

Then I would just ask her if she wants to go for a coffee/or if she wants to join you doing something. I don't know what you do.

But it needs to be a public place for the first few dates. Also a good idea for it to be short.

I would like to ask these friends if they know her well in person and maybe let me meet her in person

I wouldn't do this.

I think it could potentially seem stalker-ish.

I know you don't feel comfortable asking her out in her work and that's appropriate, I think.

But you have swapped Instagram details, she or her colleague have now liked one your insta stories;
Just message on that, if she replies then ask to move to WhatsApp or similar after a couple of messages.
If she is willing to move to personal messaging, chat for a bit, then ask her out.

I don't know if she will be interested in a date or not (we can't know) but women generally respect confidence.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that everyone gets rejected.
This is just one person, out of millions.

Not everyone is single, looking etc.
Not everyone will be attracted to you or interested in you romantically.
You will not be everyone's type.

We all experience that, women as well.
I've had plenty of rejections and I'm not bad looking (lol).

The difference for women is that many men who reject you for relationships would not reject you for sex, so they might seem interested (for sex) but there is a danger that you don't realise that's all they're interested in. At least you as a man don't generally have to deal with that.
And even if you did,maybe you'd be happy to have had the sex, even if a relationship was rejected.

Pua (pick up artist) theory is something that has many flaws and has is a lot of very unethical exploitative shit, HOWEVER it has several concepts that are true in my opinion.

One of them is the concept of "one-itis".

When someone focuses on one person as their only romantic interest, puts them on a pedestal and acts like noone else attractive or valid exists.
It is unhealthy and leads to too much investment and it matters g wag too much whether that person is interested back.

The world is full of women. You are 32, a good age for 20 and 30 something women.
Look around you and see what hobbies, activities etc you could do to see and meet more women.
It might not work out with this one, and you should not focus on only her.

The advantage of being interested in a few people is also that you would be more relaxed and casual in your interactions with any of them.

Yes I know the concept of onte-itis I've read many books

We follow each other with the personal profile,and with the business account too, I've received the like in one of my photo with the business account.
Or maybe is bettet to write this message:
Hi, I'd like to get to know you better if you'd like, I've wanted to tell you for a while :)

@lucky992

I think you should go with something more casual that has a question rather than being a closed ended statement, especially one that doesn't give her a polite 'get out' if she's no interested.

Couldn't you just go with something like "It was good to see you the other day, how's your week going so far?"

It's better to kick off a conversation than present her with a bit of an awkward situation if she doesn't feel the same vibe you do.

That's creepy.

Personally I wouldn't say that.

I would just make conversation, keep it light and easy going.If conversation continues, ask to move to WhatsApp or whatever, then ask meet for coffee, or to join you doing something etc. if she agrees to it, keep the date short and sweet.

It's very full-on to day I want to get to know you better and I have felt that way for a while.

Ignore the incel comments. You’ve made it clear you’re not like that. Honestly I think you’d be surprised at how many people are virgins into their thirties (women too) and it’s only embarrassing if you think it is. Be confident in yourself. Don’t overthink it. Keep yourself healthy and well, be a decent person.

i wouldn’t say flat either.

Hi, how are you? Maybe mention something about work/profile.
If she engages and conversation continues you can ask if she’d like ro go for a coffee. See if conversation flows.

Nope! Still coming across with a creepy and stalkerish aura...

No I wouldn’t write that. It’s too full on. I would simply strike up a conversation about a shared interest, like travel. But keep it short and friendly.

You therefore advise me not to contact her on Instagram

If you follow each other, it's completely fine to just send a friendly and casual message.

Telling her you've been interested in her for a while with no open ended question is intense and if she isn't interested it puts her on the spot and will make her feel awkward.

That's why a couple of us have suggested messaging to say hello and ask how her week is going / mention something you have in common perhaps.

Is that not something you feel able to do?

"Hey (name), good to see you the other day! How's your week going so far?"

Much less intense!

You are the captain of your ship and all that.
Its fine to ask for advice. But don't get sucked into asking people on Mumsnet to micromanage your interactions.** There are multiple ways to get to know someone, multiple ways to strike up a conversation. None of them are "guaranteed" to work - there isn't a cheat code anyone can give you that works on all women. Plus you will get contradictory advice- some will say its fine to message her via Instagram others will say you should never do that. I think the general advice, to keep it short and light but easy going is fine. Asking for recommendations about Berlin seems fine to me, so does just directly asking her coffee. But I would keep it fairly brief personally.

If you are an overthinker (this isn't gender specific) you are at risk of worrying about if only you had put more/less info in, not used that word etc. And its tempting to get around that by asking for solid confirmation on things like the above. But that will likely make the overthinking worse.

**Although to be fair that is a lot of mumsnet

Well, your account is private, but you appear to have only three posts? Maybe post some more?

Yes some women may be reluctant but I think most would find it admirable or "fun" or any of a million other (good) words.
I'm "only" 20 and definitely NOT a v., but a good looking guy of 18-22 who was a v. I'd be interested in!

No no please do t do this!! This would creep me out.

“Hey, how are you? Good to see you the other day”

really casual. As a woman, anything that feels too intense can feel scary

That was a lousy response.

Mumsnet will hate this but: maybe you could ease yourself into the sexual world by seeing an escort? Or several?

Awfull advice. Dont exploit other people!

If you’ve read the thread you will see posts alluding to this already - the suggestion was deleted by MNHQ, whether because they disagree with sex work in general or the wording of the post I don’t know.

Either way, I don’t think suggesting the OP use SW to rid himself of his virginity is going to help with future interactions - many women would write him off immediately for ever having visited a SW, so he either has to lie about it or risk losing out on relationships with the vast majority of women who would have an issue with it.

Whatever your views are on sex work, advising that a virgin do this to bypass the awkward first time without considering the ongoing impact is thoughtless and irresponsible.