Daughter having trouble accepting my new partner

[Peaches2566]

Prior to meeting my children I was dating a man for around a year. He has been around my children now for about 4 months. Everything was going really well. My son actively asks to see him and enjoys his company.

My daughter has been harder however, she is 12 and on the spectrum. From the moment she knew about him she has hated him. Refused to even see a picture of him...her main reason for hating him was that he is 20 years older than me. For the record I'm 31.

She finally asked to meet him around 4 months ago and instantly clicked with him. Since then she has frequently come and sat and watched films with us, played games with us, and even came to a bbq with our friends and other things. She seemed to really like him. She even asked me if we would ever get married or have a baby and that baisicly if we did she would support it.

Suddenly today she's come to me saying, he's a nice man, he treats me well, she doesn't dislike him at all. She can see we love each other very much, but she's very uncomfortable about our age gap and has told me she wants me to break up with him.

I've tried to ask her exactly what the issue is and she just keeps saying it's creepy and wrong. I asked her if he seems creepy or makes her uncomfortable and she said no, it's just the age gap because "it isn't right"

I honestly don't know what to do. She's now sulking and being rude to me. I'm heartbroken as this man is so lovely and treats me wonderfully, I love him, and I am loved in return. If I have to end this relationship I honestly can't see myself bothering ever again.

Perhaps she's read or been told that such an age gap is problematic.

I think it's worth talking to her again.

What makes a large age gap generally problematic, and can you reassure her these problems aren't relevant to your relationship?

For example, you didn't meet when you were underage, so that aspect is not relevant.

But there could be other things: is he patronising towards you? Does he claim to be more knowledgeable and cultured? Does he expect you to do all domestic things for him because you're younger and fitter?

Creepy is a strong word. Is there a possibility he's been giving a weird vibe around your daughter and this is her way of trying to tell you?

I think at this age they start to hear more from the outside world about relationships and what’s appropriate and what’s not and there will be a lot of opinion out there about older men exploiting young women or women having a sugar daddy. However, you can explain to her that at 31, you are not vulnerable and not all age gap relationships are creepy. She has pointed out that he treats you well and is a good man.

It’s ok to say no to her in these circumstances.

Thankyou, no I don't feel like we have an unhealthy power dynamic at all. We help and support each other, we have agreeable fun conversations, I never feel belittled by him or anything.

I've tried to explain to her that age gaps amongst adults aren't bad or particularly rare. She just keeps shouting at me that he's only 3 years younger than Nan and it's not right.

I just don't understand as last night she asked to watch a film with us and was chatting away with him about PC stuff. It's like a flip of a switch that she keeps bringing this up.

She’s probably embarrassed. She doesn’t want mums boyfriend to look like her grandad. Again, you shouldn’t sacrifice your happiness for that but I sympathise a bit with her a bit because I was permanently embarrassed by my (lovely) mum when I was that age.

You need to repeat to her that there is nothing 'creepy' or 'wrong' about two consenting adults being together, whatever the age gap and that you will not be ending your relationship because she wants you to. Perhaps tell her that you are disappointed that she is being ageist and bigoted against someone.

Don't stand for the sulks and the rudeness - she doesn't get to bully you into doing what she thinks you should do. Make it clear that rudeness will come with consequences.

One of her friends has said something about the age gap. That's what's flipped the switch

Perhaps tell her that you are disappointed that she is being ageist and bigoted against someone.

Don't do this! Accusing someone of an "ism" literally never wins them over to your way of thinking. Never.

At 12, she's just about old enough that you could alienate her forever if you come down hard on her about this. No man is worth that. You'll have to be diplomatic

My bf is 51 and im 35. He is starting to look aged and i worry he looks like an old man and it doesnt help most people think im 25. I imagine he looks like an old man to her and she is embarrased. But tough really. Your happiness matters and she cant stop you being together.

I would NOT let a 12 years old make a decision on my relationship ! Tell her to get a grip and get on with it in a nice way of course . You need to tell her that some people cant help who they fall in love with but don’t ever NOT see this man because your daughter thinks he’s too old , love is love , but I do agree that hes very old for your age . Where did you find such an old man ? I would personally not stay with a 51 year old while you being 31 . Not because of what your daughter thinks but because he’s a bit too old , you could find someone so much younger and also be a great person .

Well he is old enough to be your Dad so she has a point, out of the mouths of babes and all that. Even if fit and healthy everyone starts to slow down as they age. I can still manage a 10 mile hike no problem, 20 years ago I could do 20 miles in a day,

I am not suggesting you break up with him by the way.

Where did I find such an old man haha sorry that did make me laugh. We met through friends at an event. Turned out we had a lot in common, we have bundles of fun together.

The reality is this is embarrassing for her. It just is. He's old enough to be her grandad. That is embarrassing for a teenager.
If she you and him walked down the street she would be praying to not bump in to her friends.
Now you can parent that how you like. Maybe you think it's not kind of her to feel like this. But her feelings will be her feelings and at 12, difficult to change her mind.

@Peaches2566 sorry if I came across soo rude , such an old man 😆but yeah , if you feel like he’s the one for you , then do whatever makes you happy 😍 but I think it’s a shame that you’re so young and going for an older man which means that everything will slow down for him a lot faster than for yourself , like sexlife ect , but I’m sure you have already considered that :)

It sounds as if she’s been doing calculations in her head and the realization that your boyfriend is only 3 years younger than your Mum has freaked her out. I’m guessing that he’s fairly close in age to your Dad as well?

To a 12-year-old, someone in their 50’s is old and perhaps she’s worried that he’ll get ill, for example. I’m 50 this year and I know that my teenagers think I’m fairly ancient. 😂

Sorry? He’s 51 and she’s 12. DH and I were both 53 when DS (2) turned 12.

I meant in the context of her particular family - the op said he was the same age as her dds nan.

A lot of young people seem to have fairly black and white opinions about age gaps, more than our generation do...theres stuff on tiktok about it. See what they saying and try and address it.

In the context of your family, 20years is a generation gap. You were 19 or 20 when you had her, and your mother was 23ish when she had you. That could be enough for her to be thinking that your relationship is wrong.

I think for now I'd dial it back him being around the kids. See him when they're not around while you mull. She can't flip flop and then make demands.

To Be honest at that age I'd also be embarrassed by mum was dating someone so much older

Or Nan has........

I'm afraid for me this is fairly simple. Your daughter is 12 and is neurodivergent. This is a tricky age for ND girls and it's imperative that her home is a place where she feels comfortable and safe. She's not comfortable with this guy, she's told you that clearly. I don't think it matters whether you think her reasons are valid or not; she isn't comfortable with him, and that should be enough for you to keep the relationship separate and away from her and her living space.

I was trying to work out how to word it, this reply nails it.