Daughter having trouble accepting my new partner

[Peaches2566]

Prior to meeting my children I was dating a man for around a year. He has been around my children now for about 4 months. Everything was going really well. My son actively asks to see him and enjoys his company.

My daughter has been harder however, she is 12 and on the spectrum. From the moment she knew about him she has hated him. Refused to even see a picture of him...her main reason for hating him was that he is 20 years older than me. For the record I'm 31.

She finally asked to meet him around 4 months ago and instantly clicked with him. Since then she has frequently come and sat and watched films with us, played games with us, and even came to a bbq with our friends and other things. She seemed to really like him. She even asked me if we would ever get married or have a baby and that baisicly if we did she would support it.

Suddenly today she's come to me saying, he's a nice man, he treats me well, she doesn't dislike him at all. She can see we love each other very much, but she's very uncomfortable about our age gap and has told me she wants me to break up with him.

I've tried to ask her exactly what the issue is and she just keeps saying it's creepy and wrong. I asked her if he seems creepy or makes her uncomfortable and she said no, it's just the age gap because "it isn't right"

I honestly don't know what to do. She's now sulking and being rude to me. I'm heartbroken as this man is so lovely and treats me wonderfully, I love him, and I am loved in return. If I have to end this relationship I honestly can't see myself bothering ever again.

Totally agree. There’s no need to end the relationship OP but maybe keep him away from your daughters home (her safe space) for a bit longer.

I agree, @sprigatito

I also agree with this.
For me my children come first.
I chose to have them, I chose to not be with their father any more, now it's their turn to choose whether they want a new man in their home. And my ND teenager doesn't. So, I'll wait.

It's because the age gap is exactly the same between you and BF and you and DD, so DD is concluding in a rational autistic way that he is in the age category of a parent for you and not a BF for you. She'll get over it, just remind her that he is not your dad!

Agree that someone has commented. As a PP said, if you are now 31, then you were 19 when DD was born. Did you parents also have you young? Because that would explain it - if you're dating someone her granddad's age. Or she's done the maths and realised that you and her are closer in age than you and him, and it's weirdest her out.

And to be fair, she is right, it's a big old age gap. I guess you need to just go with the "age gaps are a problem when younger but fine between consenting adults" line and keep repeating.

I don't agree with people saying you should bend to it. That would be a disaster. This is a recent development and you explained that she flipped once before, so if you affirm her current belief, it may set like concrete and will be harder in the long run. And you will have given her power over a part of your life that is yours to decide. At 12, she will just think that is as it should be. But it's the wrong way to go maintaining authority, which is hard enough with ND kids (I have one).

Oh yeah, but I agree, she shouldn't have a man she doesn't like in her house. See him elsewhere. (And also OP I'm your age and cannot imagine being with someone so old - are you sure there's nothing weird going on?!)

OP said:

I honestly don't know what to do. She's now sulking and being rude to me. I'm heartbroken as this man is so lovely and treats me wonderfully, I love him, and I am loved in return. If I have to end this relationship I honestly can't see myself bothering ever again.

It's sad that people would tell her to cool it or break it off: (a) because of an age gap that they are nit bothered by (b) because they've hit a speed bump with a pre-teen who is ND. And why are people inferring that he may be abusing the DD: nowhere is there suggestion of that. The DD is sulking in the usual autistic and tween way when the universe hasn't bent around her. Yes it requires patience, love and care, but terminating a loving relationship over it might be taking gentle parenting a bit too far.

Totally agree with pp who said to keep relationship separate. Your daughter is so young and you need to prioritise her and her needs. This doesn’t mean you need to stop seeing this person, just be discreet about it as much as you can until your child is an adult. That’s just my opinion, I know lots of people may disagree.

I just to really emphasis on this, she has told me she likes him. She has told me she thinks he treats me well and loves me. This evening she wrote a short story, came out and sat and read it to him. She has even asked his advice on school situations and confided on him when she's felt sad. She told her friend who popped over the other day that he's a cool guy.

It was only when he left this evening that she's suddenly decided the age gap is an issue again and that it's wrong. Hence my confusion. She isn't actively uncomfortable in his presence.

Also my mum would not have said anything because she likes him.

My autistic DD was a nightmare at 12;she's 18 now and things are much better.

Let's face it even if the OP's boyfriend was nearer her age her DD would find another issue to poke at.She clearly is struggling with the change and is uncomfortable with realising that her mum has sex.

I would stand firm and tell her that she can request that she (the daughter) doesn't have to see her mums boyfriend but mum won't be ending things no matter how much she sulks about it.

You are so young OP and I can see your point you don’t need to be single however I would be reluctant to inflict this man on your daughter when she is clearly affected by it. As in take things very slowly if you can.

@Peaches2566 based on your update. I think you soldier on as you are, but have a chat with DP so that he can be sensitive to it and not take it personally. I do think she'll adjust given more time and may drop the complaint without tackling it head on. It sounds like you have a lovely family.

Put gently, I think it is a bit harsh to say OP is inflicting a man on DP. They are forming a blended family based on love by the actual sounds of it. And DD is likely to benefit from having a good step father who cares for her longer term.

@mybeesarealive i know exactly what you are saying and I appreciate that my opinion may be unpopular, I’m actually a newly single parent myself. But I think huge caution must be undertaken before forming a blended family and I certainly won’t be doing so until my dc is an adult.

Slightly different, but one of my friends is in a LTR and they both have teenagers. They’ve decided to “date” long term and haven’t tried to blend the two families -they get together for some occasions, but not much. It’s been 10 years now and it still works.
Eventually, when the children are adults, they’ll move in together.

Your DD doesn’t need to see your partner regularly, you can see him when she’s with her Dad, for example. After a while, she’ll get more comfortable with the relationship.

Thanks guys for everyone's thoughts. I appreciate them all, even the ones who are confused why I might like an older man. I don't see his age, I just see the fun we have, we go out dancing together as we like the same music, have similar views and values. We are both into our PC gaming and many other hobbies. He's a pro cyclist so he's healthy and youthful.

My daughter has just come to me and asked if we can take her to a museum in London because she wants to discuss WW2 history with him and go for dinner ....so god knows what on earth is going on!

@Thetroutofnocraic1 not unpopular. It's right for you. There are plenty of threads where I'm all for LTB. It's just on this one, I can't see any dysfunction other than the fixation that DD has that he is too old to be a BF for her mum. But that's driven by the autism, and as a parent with an autistic child, I have found that some times you have to persevere so they can understand that their perspective is not the only one. And they mature as they get older like other kids and do let things go when it becomes part of the familiar background and routine. I wish you well. I hope you find happiness on your own terms.

I don't know your daughter but if she's anything like my 9 year old ND daughter, she flip flops all of the time on her views/opinions. Even with her dad. One minute she loves him, then she hates him. On minute she loves playing cricket at school, the next she detests it and refuses to join in (these are just some examples). For now, I wouldn't worry too much - but definitely keep talking to her / listening to her opinions etc. I'm sure you will.

@mybeesarealive i agree i wouldn’t “ltb” over this and I think as a parent of an autistic child you have more experience in this area than me no doubt. I suppose what I mean is I would continue to date but I wouldn’t be rushing to move in with this man .. etc. that’s just my opinion as a parent of any child really.

Do you think you've been throwing them together a bit too much considering they only met 4m ago? There's maybe no need for so many intense days out and evenings in together.

After all, its not really a long term relationship yet, only one year. And you're encouraging your dd to read him her stories etc.

I know you say your dd seems to want to do all these activities with your bf. But it's very possible she's just doing all this to please you.

I think she's either overheard something or someone's said something.
I wouldn't be breaking up with him on her say so, I'd be having a chat about it but saying some stuff along the lines of you can't choose who you fall in love with and being happy with someone is far more important than what other people think

It sounds like she is looking at it rationally. She likes him as a person but doesn’t see him as an ideal boyfriend for you because of the very big age gap.

I think you need to re-insert the separation between your children and him if it bothers her. Don't let her make decisions for you. The decisions about your relationship belong to the adults in that relationship not a child.

What if she comes to you next week and says "I don't like your job, you need to quit". You don't let a child make adult decisions.

Hi, I'd like to add context here. I am introducing him slowly. It's only been this week that he has been over a lot as I got septic arthritis in my ankle so he did shopping for me and helped me do dinner, tidy up ECT as I needed some extra assistance. We have tried to pace it as we don't want to unsettle the children.

I didn't encourage her to do anything, she wrote the story and chose to bring it to him and read it through her own choice. No prompting or involvement from me.