Daughter having trouble accepting my new partner

[Peaches2566]

Prior to meeting my children I was dating a man for around a year. He has been around my children now for about 4 months. Everything was going really well. My son actively asks to see him and enjoys his company.

My daughter has been harder however, she is 12 and on the spectrum. From the moment she knew about him she has hated him. Refused to even see a picture of him...her main reason for hating him was that he is 20 years older than me. For the record I'm 31.

She finally asked to meet him around 4 months ago and instantly clicked with him. Since then she has frequently come and sat and watched films with us, played games with us, and even came to a bbq with our friends and other things. She seemed to really like him. She even asked me if we would ever get married or have a baby and that baisicly if we did she would support it.

Suddenly today she's come to me saying, he's a nice man, he treats me well, she doesn't dislike him at all. She can see we love each other very much, but she's very uncomfortable about our age gap and has told me she wants me to break up with him.

I've tried to ask her exactly what the issue is and she just keeps saying it's creepy and wrong. I asked her if he seems creepy or makes her uncomfortable and she said no, it's just the age gap because "it isn't right"

I honestly don't know what to do. She's now sulking and being rude to me. I'm heartbroken as this man is so lovely and treats me wonderfully, I love him, and I am loved in return. If I have to end this relationship I honestly can't see myself bothering ever again.

I think it's very important you do not bend to her on this - you are the adult and you know what you're doing. Bending to her would not help her sense of security.

You've explained it. That's really all you can do.

If he is a good and decent man he will bear with whilst you and your daughter work things out. Your dd has to come first for the time being.

What I would sat @Peaches2566 is that at 51 a man can be vibrant and active and in his prime. When you are 51, he will be 71. He may be fit and well and active. But he may not be. I am 64. I have a friend married to an 84 year old. She is his carer now.

Between a man and my child, I'd always choose my child.

I agree with PP that children shouldn't be allowed to make adult decisions as it can create a sense of insecurity for them.
Of course if she was saying worrying things about his behaviour that would be different..
But leaving your partner because your child told you to, just because they find the age gap embarrassing, is ridiculous.
It's obviously going to be a change for her and obviously there will be moments when it doesn't go smoothly.
She's autistic so just looking at things in a black and white way here.. someone may have mentioned age gap relationships are creepy.. so now she applies that to yours.
It's probably something she will move past in time.
Perhaps wind back the amount of time your spending together with him a little bit for now. Let her slowly get used to the idea.. then start moving forward again.
But these people telling you to leave him because your 12 yo daughter thinks the age gap is too big, are pure nuts.
That type of parenting doesn't help your child any more than the other extreme of completely ignoring all your child's opinions.
You listen to her, acknowledge her, say you understand why she may feel that way, but that you disagree and intend to remain in the relationship. You say that she does not have to spend time with him at the moment if she's finding it hard right now.. but you absolutely do not let a 12yo choose if you break up with someone. (Unless she's saying he has behaved inappropriately of course)

Even if the child is making unreasonable demands?

@EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon I don't think its an unreasonable demand. There could be more to why she is suddenly feeling uncomfortable. If whoever I'm dating making my child uncomfortable - Id priorities my child's comfort over mine.

I'm in my 50s. (Married.) A 32 yo man recently expressed interest. I think it's creepy and clearly a fetish. Even if I was in the market, it's weird. I'm #TeamDD

Regardless, your DD is uncomfortable and it's simple to keep your dating life and your children separate. So do.

Does he have children of his own?

OP

I think she has done the sums.

20 years ago you were 11 and he was 31, your daughter is 12.

Can you imagine how creepy that is to a child? Can you imagine if she came home from school and said she had 31 year old BF?

You would, quite rightly calling the police.

She doesn't have the life experience to know that it is different with adults. Most teenagers won't have a bf / gf much more than a year older or younger.

Two years is a huge age gap to a 12 year old.

I think your daughter has a point!

As far as I am concerned the age gap is too big. Do you really want to care for a pensioner when you are in your 40s?

I would also question why a man his age is targeting a woman 20 years younger with young kids but then I am an old cynic.

I am your partner's age and I would never consider dating a 30 year old. Completely different stages of life.

Also I would always prioritise the kids over a man.

I think she's pushing back against the change in you family set up. My autistic tween will be having the best of times but something will flip and it will become unconscionable.
It is also contrary to what she has observed I your own family, where your parents are young. I will be 48/ 49 when dd is 12.

it’s the friend who ‘popped over’ while he was there, 100%.

it’s the sort of thing kids pick on, or comment on and make other kids feel self conscious about, but if it wasn’t that it would likely be something else, if he is a decent man, you both love him and he is a kind and caring stepfather, just carry on as you are.

She's female, ND and 12. A vulnerability triple whammy.

You've brought a man in old enough to be your father and she's told you she feels it's creepy.

I'd bet her Nan's told her the age gap feels wrong - because Nan's worried for you.

A man in his fifties who's attracted to a woman young enough to be his daughter with a vulnerable daughter of her own who feels creepy about it ... Well, I wouldn't be rushing to install him.

Think about the future. When you're just hitting menopause, he'll be retired and difficult. When you're retired he'll be rapidly approaching 90.

Just ... Be very careful. Maybe wait until she's more independent and more mature before any drastic steps.

Edit: I've only just spotted this one's six months old! Have there been any developments since?

I agree with this. Kids say all sorts like ' oh I hope you can get married again ' or ' I hope you get a new boyfriend soon mum '. The reality though, when in their face is that most kids find this very difficult - age gap or no age gap.
You're in love having a great time. I doubt the kids are - even your son. Kids at a certain age have an excellent instinct. Being ND she will see through most bullshit too. She'll know he doesn't care about her like you do. It's a very upending situation for kids dealing with this. Even if he's a nice guy.

So the issue is - you are entitled to happiness and a life too. How do you support your needs and those of your kids?

My feelings are that you sacrifice a bit of yourself by keeping the guy separate from the home and kids. You see him outside the home. I can't recall if the kids see their dad? That's the perfect time to be with him.

I still remember the feeling of being 12 and having mum's wonderful new boyfriend thrust upon me. I saw through all the false niceness. He wasn't a bad person but I did not need this in my space in any way.

You'll ignore all sorts to convince yourself everyone is happy in this set up. They won't be. Someone has to sacrifice something in this situation. I don't think you should end it ( that doesn't sound like an option to you anyway) but just remove him from your space - from her space. It's only a few more years and then you've done your time and can feel justified in bringing him into the home more if she's still at home but older.

@JFDIYOLO oh me too! Out of date 🤦😄

I'm 32 and my dad is 54. The thought of dating someone his age turns my stomach to be honest.

4 months is VERY early to be introducing a strange man to your SN child.

Op has been with her partner for a year before introducing him to her children 4 months ago

Zombie

Sorry but can some of you cast your minds back to being a young teenager and think how fucking awful
it would be to have to actually live with some random old guy because he happens to be your mums boyfriend?

why do people inflict this on their children? I would never do this to my daughters.

Could a family member or your ex be in her ear? That sounds hard.

My parents have a similar age gap, it was fine whilst Mum was young, but it's been an issue since she hit 40ish. They are always out of sync and I feel he has aged her before her time. She resented having to work for twenty years after he retired, he made lots of new retirement friends and she had nothing in common. She wanted to travel after her retirement, but by that time Dad just wanted to be home. He has had dementia for a long time now, Mum is still fit and well and depressed stuck at home caring for him. She can't even travel to visit us and her grandchildren.
I wouldn't entertain a big age gap for all these reasons.
I wonder if your DD had been mulling things over and can see some of the pitfalls.

Keep seeing him. Don't move in together. Kids do NOT get to dictate adult relationships but I would t bring him into her safe place.

Oh! I just had an insight. She's flip-flopped a lot, and I'm wondering if the latest switch is because she went all-in, saying if you got married and had a baby she'd support that, but I bet she then panicked because she went a bit overboard, and that's why she's swung back the other way.

Maybe you could tell her that nobody's getting married in the near future and that you're all just living in the moment. She sounds like she's overthinking it all and maybe focusing on it too much. Tell her that you all have a nice time together and that that's more than enough.

I heard this on the radio a couple of weeks ago or so. They were commenting on someone who said the BBC cancelled a plot or wrote out a character cos the relationship was deemed "not age appropriate today". Saying it was old fashioned. I think this was Coronation Street or similar popular soap.
It's a shame we've been told to be tolerant of same sex but not of age. I guess the assisted suicide bill will be passed soon and the standards will be looser and looser.