Am I bad for pressing charges on my abuser / child’s father

[Pinkflowersxo]

Please keep this anonymous

I have been in an abusive relationship for the last 6 years.

I always believed that he was sorry and he would change. Every time I believed him as stupid as that is. I am looking for some advice and will give some context.

He has punched me and kicked me to the ground infront of our 4 / almost 5 year old. Has attacked me whilst holding them. He has also strangled me to the point I thought he might kill me but he let go. My little girl witnessed this from the doorway. He had grabbed the steering wheel whilst driving 70 miles and swerved it multiple times because I was taking him home and didn’t want to be around him anymore.
He also uploaded a video of us having sex without my permission to sex / dating site. I have proof and a phone recording of him admitting this and apologising.

He has ripped off the car sun shade visor in anger and thrown it in the car it hit our little girl by accident. She still remembers this now.

He also put our daughter in the bath when she was too young to get herself up because I told him she need a bath seat. He shut the door on purpose and left her in the bath for 10 seconds to see me scared to prove that she will be fine without a seat. It was a deep bath and I was worried if she fell back she couldn’t get herself back up. I cried snd grabbed the foot but he wouldn’t let me open it. I think he just wanted to see me panic.

I admit I stayed with him because I believed that he was really sorry but the abuse always continues I see now.

I started to take photos of my bruises and black eyes. I took a screen shot of my video and kept the recording of him admitting it as I had wanted to go to the police but was too scared to do it and didn’t feel strong enough.

His mum knew everything that he did , she told him it was wrong and she told me to leave him she said that if I wanted to press charges she would understand but I never could do it and she then thanked me for not going to the police on all the times that I could have.

I don’t want him to have any contact with our children and he doesn’t want to anyway. He isn’t on the birth certicaye if one cos he was in jail.

I am no worried about the safety of my children if something were to happen to me. I wouldn’t want them in his care. He had been in jail before for drug dealing. This has pushed me to build up the strength to go to the police. However I feel so much guilt. I feel guilty towards his mum as she believes he should still get to see our boys despite the fact he has attacked me infront of then numerous times.

I have had social services involved in the past because of all this the neighbours always called the police and I had to call them sometimes.

I just wondered if I am a bad person if I decide to press charges. Now we are not together and haven’t been for a long time I am worried that it isn’t in record just how bad the abuse was because I never told the police this or the social workers. I told them it was just an argument. I feel like I might be ready to tell the truth but I have so much guilt and worry his mum will be so upset with me.

I would really appreciate any advice.

You are well shot of your ex and his mum - she has been protecting him the whole time - horrible. Do NOT tell where you live or that you have been to the police. None of her business.

Thank you i can’t believe i thought she was genuinely there for me I realise now this was not the case

Does anyone have any experience please on if you can still “press charges” on an assault that happened between 1-3 years ago ? I have had different assaults I have photos of injuries spanning over the last 3 years. I wondered if it’s too late for him to be prosecuted

raise with police tomorrow

Hi everyone just wanted to leave an update. Went to the police station today and gave a formal statement. I gave all of my evidence. They can only prosecute for the assaults within the last 2 years which were 2 separate counts of physical abuse / criminal damage infront of the children and uploading my videos onto a swinging dating website without my consent. I have recordings and screen shots of him admitting he’d done it and he’s sorry. All the abuse from the years before will be used to paint a picture and they still took my evidence. They said they will go out to arrest him today and that he will most likely be allowed out on bail. I feel so nervous I feel riddled with shame and guilt. I know this is what he deserves. I am anticipating his mother shaming me too. I am glad it’s finally out there, this will also go to family court regarding the children as I don’t want him to have any access. I imagine court will be a while a way I feel really nervous 😥

@Pinkflowersxo you’ve done the right thing honestly and took a massive brave step.

just ignore his mother don’t engage with her you owe her no explaination and whatever is said would most likely be fed back to her son.

it’s time now to move forward and channel all your strength into this case, good luck.

Thank you. So am I! I tell people about it so that they will know they are not alone, and to encourage them to 'leave the bastards' and tell the police. Good luck.

Hi everyone just kind of looking for some support as I am really dealing with a lot of anxiety. My ex called me yesterday from an u known number saying he’s so sorry and he loves me. He hasn’t actually been arrested yet it’s just he’s got back to the UK since leaving after I ended the relationship 4 months ago.

he was talking about how he hates the uk so much and he can’t do life in the uk and almost as if he wanted me to feel sorry for him. For context he is very spoilt. He is an only child and his mum gives him everything he wants despite him being disrespectful to her. He doesn’t care about her well being and comes to her when he wants money. He doesn’t ever help her.

I feel like I endured so much trauma for 9 years. It took leaving him and having 0 contact and honestly the amount of trauma and memories and guilt and shame that has been coming up it’s almost like I’ve been realising just how had it was. It’s like when he never would let me leave him and every time say how sorry he is I wouldn’t get the chance to really process how bad the relationship was. It’s like I minimised it all to stay in the relationship. Which has lead me to feel so shocked and hurt by his mum who knew every single thing he has done and not at one point did she tell me that I need to phone the police and report him so that he can stop doing this to other women. Just told me to leave him and told me that she would blame me if he did another attack on me I front of the kids because I stayed with him. It’s really been so hard to process and I anticipate she is going to make me feel so guilty when he’s arrested !

i also wondered if anyone has any experience with ABH actual bodily harm ? I told the police officer everything and they said domestic abuse you can prosecute only things that happened in the last 2 yesss from reading online this seems to be only cases with common assault ( less serious) whereas the strangulation and bruising and black eyes I’ve had would be actual bodily harm which I believe has no time limit. Do you think that when the cps look at the entire statement they will recognise this despite the fact the officer didn’t ?

he did take my entire statement and ALL my evidence even going back 4 years ago.

thank you in advance

@Pinkflowersxo honestly now block his mother and don’t engage; and you should have hung up the phone as soon as you realised it was him when you answered. Don’t engage further with him, I hope he doesn’t know now you’ve gone to the police.

this is how abusers work they emotionally manipulate you so they get what they want out of you and trap you back with them. Don’t fall for it and grey rock and ignore him now.

with the police please contact woman’s aid as a matter of urgency for all support regarding this and what the outcome maybe in charges. You need intervention from a domestic abuse organisation that has assisted loads of woman in this situation. Please now for your own sake and your children’s if he calls you again hang up the phone.

Also as well Op how did he get your number as you said you had changed it when you left, did his mum give him your new phone number ? If that’s the case then you really really can’t trust her.

Darling you also have to look at how the way he was brought up created a very bad man with with zero impulse control, a wild temper, no genuine remorse and zero accountability. He is trying to manipulate you and hook you back in. Change your bloody number.

@Pinkflowersxo Well done for leaving and reporting him. You have absolutely done the right thing.

You are NOT a bad person. You feel this way because this is what abuse does to us.

Please get in touch with Womens Aid. You are in the aftermath of domestic abuse. They will support you with it, and you can recover through counselling from them. You need it. The link is below.

You will always live with the aftermath of domestic abuse to some extent. It's about you learning to heal.

As you can gather, I am also a survivor of D.V. I stayed too many years and witnessed the ex turn on our eldest when he got in his teens. That's when I/we was/were gone.

I, too, was also involved with children social services and their agencies, so I know where you are and how you are seeing as I have lived experience too.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

No i didn’t say I’d changed it, somebody suggested that I change it. I moved house to a new address that he doesn’t have that might have caused the confusion. I haven’t answered any calls again and I wilk hang up. It was from a with held number I answered incase it was the police updating me. I have also started the beginning of a non mole station order. Thank you for your message x

@Pinkflowersxo ah sorry I thought you had changed it my mistake,
Have you looked at the freedom programme OP?

I am just in an anxious place as I am anticipating the backlash when they all find out I reported. Changing my number resolves all this so that’s what I will do x

Thank you so much. Yes I really realise this now she would always tell me that I am equally to blame for staying and also that she’s at no fault to how he turned out more than I am for his behaviour. Yet the difference between me and her is I did not raise this man , will change my number today x

I haven’t looked at the freedom programme but will google search this now thank you so much x

Thank you I really appreciate it and I’m sorry you went through this as well. This makes a lot of sense these last 5 months I’ve relived everything like it just happened and I realise it’s because I have had 5 months to see it for what it is without him manipulating me. Also I feel like because his mum knew about the whole thing and she would tell him he’s bad for doing it and he would be angry at her it made me feel almost as if she was doing her part. I really do realise now she enabled him the entire time I feel so stupid c

I am not a parent of adult children yet, but I had somebody tell me that his mother will be looking at what he’s done primarily from a mother’s perspective. And probably finds it hard to accept what her son has done. This might be why she thanked me for not reporting him. But she knows he’s done this in front of our children who she’s supposed to also love. She knows every single detail of everything he’s done to me. Everything. I guess what I’m asking before I cut her off is would you have reported your son had you found him doing all this ? Would you still be able to give him money to do things you know he shouldn’t and go away to another country to visit him knowing he’s doing something illegal and completely neglecting his kids? I understand as a mother you love unconditionally but I really believe that out of that love I would need to hold him accountable seeing the behaviour he’s displayed over all the years. He’s even smashed her house up and thrown things near her and calls her disgusting names like cnt* and all sorts when she’d tell me to leave him. It’s only since I left I feel like she’s been more trying to “fill my place” and helping him with money whilst he does illegal things it’s like she seeks his approval I cannot explain it.

@Pinkflowersxo What you are feeling is normal. Working through this in isolation is like being behind enemy lines. Getting support means you are no longer alone.

Unfortunately, you will have to block and remove his mom from your life as she can't be trusted. You can not put yourself and children at this risk.

You must ring the police if you start getting any more trouble for his family and him.

He is almost 30 years old not that it makes it better if he was younger. But it’s almost as if since I left him she’s took the opportunity to gain his affection as he has never wanted much to do with her other than money.

I just wanted to reply to this. She did Infact lie for him. And tried to guilt me by crying saying she goteros she lost a daughter and do I really want to see him go to jail for this. We could have worked this out without involving the police , you were right x

Thank you you were right. His mother lied for him denied having any knowledge of physical abuse then tried to guilt me for reporting saying we could have sorted this between us without involving the police and crying saying do I really want him to go to jail for all this they are serious allegations I made. Allegations she knows are true because I told her as it happened to which she denied to me said I never told her all this she doesn’t remember me telling her this. I feel like as a mother you could never forget those things hearing what your own son has done to the mother of his kids x

@Pinkflowersxo stand firm OP, block her now so she can’t get to you.

no good will come of her constantly contacting you and trying to manipulate you, her sons learned his behaviour from somewhere and I have a bad feeling the manipulation side of it is from his mother.
I hope he does go to prison for what he’s done to you and your children. Don’t talk to her anymore now cos she’s just gonna pump you for information to use against you for the court case.

Thank you so much. What a wonderful thing it is to have support online like this from people I don’t even know. I did block his mother , I blocked all his numbers the police released him on bail until court a part of his bail conditions were to not contact me. As soon as he got out he called me 17 times messaging me I would block , he would email. Last night he called 70 times from a withheld number I answered one.

saying he would never put me in jail no matter what I did, I told him I would never ever do the things he's done to me, he just kept saying he'll go and do the anger management courses now he'll go to another country so he's out of my space whilst he's working in himself then come back when he's completed it all. Funny because he never did ANY of this until he was facing jail time. I feel guilty because the last violence was exactly a year ago and then a few times the year before then during Covid it was horrific. But I know that the only reason there's been no violence in this last year is because we stopped living together, I would only see him once a week as he worked in another city and he was able to cheat and do what he wanted and l'd be non the the wiser. Not to mention him uploading those videos of us having sex last year since all the violence. I feel if he was really sorry he would turn himself in and pay for what he's done and take any help in there that they offer him xxxx