Am I bad for pressing charges on my abuser / child’s father

[Pinkflowersxo]

Please keep this anonymous

I have been in an abusive relationship for the last 6 years.

I always believed that he was sorry and he would change. Every time I believed him as stupid as that is. I am looking for some advice and will give some context.

He has punched me and kicked me to the ground infront of our 4 / almost 5 year old. Has attacked me whilst holding them. He has also strangled me to the point I thought he might kill me but he let go. My little girl witnessed this from the doorway. He had grabbed the steering wheel whilst driving 70 miles and swerved it multiple times because I was taking him home and didn’t want to be around him anymore.
He also uploaded a video of us having sex without my permission to sex / dating site. I have proof and a phone recording of him admitting this and apologising.

He has ripped off the car sun shade visor in anger and thrown it in the car it hit our little girl by accident. She still remembers this now.

He also put our daughter in the bath when she was too young to get herself up because I told him she need a bath seat. He shut the door on purpose and left her in the bath for 10 seconds to see me scared to prove that she will be fine without a seat. It was a deep bath and I was worried if she fell back she couldn’t get herself back up. I cried snd grabbed the foot but he wouldn’t let me open it. I think he just wanted to see me panic.

I admit I stayed with him because I believed that he was really sorry but the abuse always continues I see now.

I started to take photos of my bruises and black eyes. I took a screen shot of my video and kept the recording of him admitting it as I had wanted to go to the police but was too scared to do it and didn’t feel strong enough.

His mum knew everything that he did , she told him it was wrong and she told me to leave him she said that if I wanted to press charges she would understand but I never could do it and she then thanked me for not going to the police on all the times that I could have.

I don’t want him to have any contact with our children and he doesn’t want to anyway. He isn’t on the birth certicaye if one cos he was in jail.

I am no worried about the safety of my children if something were to happen to me. I wouldn’t want them in his care. He had been in jail before for drug dealing. This has pushed me to build up the strength to go to the police. However I feel so much guilt. I feel guilty towards his mum as she believes he should still get to see our boys despite the fact he has attacked me infront of then numerous times.

I have had social services involved in the past because of all this the neighbours always called the police and I had to call them sometimes.

I just wondered if I am a bad person if I decide to press charges. Now we are not together and haven’t been for a long time I am worried that it isn’t in record just how bad the abuse was because I never told the police this or the social workers. I told them it was just an argument. I feel like I might be ready to tell the truth but I have so much guilt and worry his mum will be so upset with me.

I would really appreciate any advice.

He just hasn’t bothered and I told him he cannot see them he hasn’t argued it

well whatever the outcome with police
you need to get as much legally documented re involvement with the children

how old are they?

you are securing your children’s future ..

Also let’s be clear that whilst your children are a priority in this situation you are a victim and well done for making a stand .

His family are going to think about him - they are not on your side .. if you still speak to them refuse to discuss this topic with them ..If they bring it up - you don’t want to discuss it .

they have continued to condone his behaviour by their actions .

my ex strangled me with my baby Ds in my hands .be aware a man who reaches this level of violence the odds of killing you massively increase.

not someone I would want my Dc or grandchildren around

You need to follow through with this OP, I’m not usually shocked with what I read on here but your post at the start has absolutely flawed me. Your children and yourself were in extreme danger when you were with him, you need to block his family now and gain support from domestic violence organisations so your never in this same situation ever again. I wish you the best of luck and I hope hope hope he goes to prison for what he did to you and your children.

Report and keep him out of your life, he won’t change.

If his family try to guilt trip you about reporting, they're the bad ones. Not you.
If they don't support you, they're not that great either.

Obviously the primary responsibility is squarely on him.
good luck OP.

He is genuinely sorry he is going to be most likely dealing with the consequences of his behaviour not sorry he hurt you or traumatised his child. The words coming out of his mouth were not remorse, they were like the pictures you glue over the existing ones when you are making a collage. You have an entirely new picture even though the old ones are still there all the time. You just have to peel back the edges just a little bit…. Et voila! That’s the recipe for trauma, btw….

There is nothing stopping him from getting added to the birth certificate and petitioning for custody. It’s trivial really. All it takes is a tiny bit of motivation, from a decent father or a vindictive man.

reporting and cooperating with any subsequent charges and convictions is the best way to protect your children.

your children do not need to spend time with people who make excuses for their abuser. He is abusing them. Witnessing domestic violence is a form of abuse.

Remember that his mum will have an agenda.
If you are with him then she can blame you for his abusive behaviour. If he’s living with her then she will be subject to some of his shit and unlike you, can’t get rid of him easily. The minimisation of abusive behaviour by loved ones is sadly very common but it doesn’t mean that you should relent.

You’re very strong OP and I wish you and the kids the best

I have made a album of evdifence. Including recordings and photos of bruises. My children are 6 and 5 now but would have been 2& 3 when all this happened

how
long have you been apart op?

does his mother have much to do with the children? i suspect… she does?

You are doing the right thing, OP. If you have the slightest suspicion that your mil might allow the children to be around your abuser, you must keep her as well as him away from them. Your children are the most important people here, and you are absolutely doing the right thing by protecting them from possible harm.

In fact, if you don't press charges, you will fail your children. Keep doing what you're doing, mum! Be proud!

Thank you I appreciate it I have so much regret and shame over not being able to do this a long time ago. I have already made the report and I told them everything that happened. His mother used to help me a lot with baby sitting out kids and with borrowing money and things she would pay for things he broken and things like that I used to think she really cared about me and felt this loyalty towards her. But I am starting to think that it was all because I was protecting her son the whole time

Christ. Well done for reporting the pos. You're doing the only thing you can to keep your children and yourself safe. And to increase the chances of other women and kids being safe from him.

His mum is clearly going to try to manipulate you. Keep strong and have as little contact with her as possible - preferably none. You don't need her permission, or anyone else's, to keep yourself and your kids safe. No guilt necessary at all. X

you need to stop relying on his mother in any shape or form

how long have you been apart?

It’s been 5 months since I’ve cut contact and stopped contact with the kids. We hadn’t lived together for 2 years and I moved away. He didn’t want me to live near my family. When I wanted to move back he would always say it’s not a good idea what grown woman needs her family. I was by myself and isolated. I finally stood up to him , left and moved back closer to my family. I am processing everything and now realise that I was too far in the abuse to see how bad he was. I want to protect my kids if something ever happened to me as for his mum I thought she was always there for me and had the kids best interests at heart I realise now that I think she was just happy I wasn’t reporting him. I have done counselling and realise now I have to report which was why I did.

I’ve got three boys. If I knew one of them was beating his partner I’d report the little shit to the police myself.

my dad was a violent prick, no way would I stand by and watch one of my kids turn out the same way.

make your statement, stand your ground and don’t let any of them have access to your children. None of them are fit to have access.

Well done op.

Cut off all contact with his family. They protect abusers and they are not on your side, not now, not in the past, not ever.

Oh and if his mother threatens to take you to court for 'grandparents rights' just remember in this country it's bullshit and can't be done unless under special circumstances (eg the kids have previously lived for a significant time with the grandparents without the parents also being there and even then it's bloody rare it's granted as they have to prove no contact would have a detrimental affect on development).

OP any shame or guilt belongs to him
You"ve absolutely done the right thing
You are very brave x

This. You just need to keep telling the truth, answer any questions truthfully & the process will play out. I can't promise you will get the justice you deserve or the safeguarding you need, but you'll know you tried. I truly believe it's never too late to try and right a wrong. Take any amount of accountability with a healthy dose of self compassion & take care

You are 100% doing the right thing reporting.
Tell the truth.
Every bit of it.....for your children.
Do it for your children.
You owe him NOTHING.
Good luck.

Press charges.

My parents had a DV relationship and my dad broke numerous restraining orders. When your DC is old enough to understand, they’ll support you.

I just wondered if I am a bad person if I decide to press charges.

No, you're not. My experiences as an abused wife were in the 1980s, when attitudes and even laws were different - for example, when I left because I was being beaten, my mother sent me back to him, and the police in those days didn't want to interfere in 'domestics'. My ex husband is dead, has been for years. But I sometimes regret there was no mumsnet in those days, and I didn't have the chance to inform myself and see the bastard in court.

eta: I can feel his hands on my throat now, thirty-eight years later.

what's with the interrogation? You really are coming across like a total obnoxious arsehole.

What a complete lowlife that man is. Do what needs to be done - his behaviour has been horrific. He has no one to blame but himself.