Am I bad for pressing charges on my abuser / child’s father

[Pinkflowersxo]

Please keep this anonymous

I have been in an abusive relationship for the last 6 years.

I always believed that he was sorry and he would change. Every time I believed him as stupid as that is. I am looking for some advice and will give some context.

He has punched me and kicked me to the ground infront of our 4 / almost 5 year old. Has attacked me whilst holding them. He has also strangled me to the point I thought he might kill me but he let go. My little girl witnessed this from the doorway. He had grabbed the steering wheel whilst driving 70 miles and swerved it multiple times because I was taking him home and didn’t want to be around him anymore.
He also uploaded a video of us having sex without my permission to sex / dating site. I have proof and a phone recording of him admitting this and apologising.

He has ripped off the car sun shade visor in anger and thrown it in the car it hit our little girl by accident. She still remembers this now.

He also put our daughter in the bath when she was too young to get herself up because I told him she need a bath seat. He shut the door on purpose and left her in the bath for 10 seconds to see me scared to prove that she will be fine without a seat. It was a deep bath and I was worried if she fell back she couldn’t get herself back up. I cried snd grabbed the foot but he wouldn’t let me open it. I think he just wanted to see me panic.

I admit I stayed with him because I believed that he was really sorry but the abuse always continues I see now.

I started to take photos of my bruises and black eyes. I took a screen shot of my video and kept the recording of him admitting it as I had wanted to go to the police but was too scared to do it and didn’t feel strong enough.

His mum knew everything that he did , she told him it was wrong and she told me to leave him she said that if I wanted to press charges she would understand but I never could do it and she then thanked me for not going to the police on all the times that I could have.

I don’t want him to have any contact with our children and he doesn’t want to anyway. He isn’t on the birth certicaye if one cos he was in jail.

I am no worried about the safety of my children if something were to happen to me. I wouldn’t want them in his care. He had been in jail before for drug dealing. This has pushed me to build up the strength to go to the police. However I feel so much guilt. I feel guilty towards his mum as she believes he should still get to see our boys despite the fact he has attacked me infront of then numerous times.

I have had social services involved in the past because of all this the neighbours always called the police and I had to call them sometimes.

I just wondered if I am a bad person if I decide to press charges. Now we are not together and haven’t been for a long time I am worried that it isn’t in record just how bad the abuse was because I never told the police this or the social workers. I told them it was just an argument. I feel like I might be ready to tell the truth but I have so much guilt and worry his mum will be so upset with me.

I would really appreciate any advice.

He is a monster and deserves all he gets.

😱You'd be wrong not to press charges. He has endangered his children's lives and come close to murdering you. He is a monster who belongs in a cage. To hell with how his mother feels. Protect yourself and your children from this psychopath!

I realise this now it’s taken me a long time to build the strength. I made the report 2 days ago. I will go ahead and support the police with my evidence . Thank you

You need to block his family. His mum will have spent his whole life making excuses for him.

Reading about how he had your young daughter in a bath and shut the door has chilled me to my core. I can only imagine your panic and helplessness.

He is evil.

thank you everyone for your support I cannot tell you how much this is helping me. When I feel guilty or shameful reading this messsges validating just how bad he is helps. Over the years he controlled so much of my life kept me away from my friends and family. I was isolated. I didn’t tell my family about the abuse because I knew it would break my parents heart and I didn’t want to burden them. This meant that my ex’s mother was my only support system. After doing some counselling and over time with complete no contact with him I realise now that her being my only support has aided my decision to not report for all these years. I felt that I owed her loyalty because she supported me with our children helped with money. Would replace the things he damaged , she would say with her words if I phoned the police she’d understand but in another breath say she’s grateful that I am not going to the police. There was a time I was taking him home because I didn’t want him to be around me and he didn’t want to go. When he swerved my car When I was driving going 80 miles per hour and was punching the seat behind me un an attempt to make me stop the car, I was lucky there was a service station to pull into. I called her when I got out and said I thought he was going to kill me on the motor way she told me that she didn’t think he intended to kill me because that would mean killing is both. To give some context he had also smashed her house up in the past for telling him his behaviour was wrong and “siding with me” at that time. He uses for money and verbally abuses her a lot. Recently she tells me whilst I’m pointing fingers for her parenting I am the one who had children with him knowing why’s he’s like. I enabled the behaviour by being with him. Which I know is true but I eventually found the strength to leave. Even after me leaving him she continued to go to see him in another country knowing he’s drug dealing there. I couldn’t believe this. That she paid for his flights to go and borrowed him some money to help whatever it was he was doing there even though she said she didn’t agree with it. I told her I came to the decision that he will not be able to see our children anymore (he hasn’t tried to for 5 months) and I don’t want to hesr from him through her. He would go on to pass messages through her and she would tell me he feels he’d messed up and will she tell me that he’s going to call me. I told her to I don’t want to hear about him anymore and I am trying to move forward. She told me last week when she was supposed to be looking after our kids for the weekend that he is due to be back in the uk for good and that if he turns up she would not stop him from seeing the children so maybe it’s best she just takes them out instead. I was shocked that she would allow contact despite my wishes and it confirmed for me that I think she has had his best interests at heart the entire time not our children. I had anxiety about what would happen if I got into an accident. I worried she would push for custody with him despite everything. There was nothing on record so that was why I made the police report 3 days ago and told them everything and more than I have shared here. I have always been worried about her shaming me for doing it but I realise I have to. I have an album of evidence of everything. When the police come to talk to me in person I will help them with everything I have.

I feel so much guilt and shame. My children are happy I do everything with them and always have however I feel a lot of shame as I wanted to take my own life at one point I didn’t because of them. I wish I had left sooner but I didn’t feel like I could I never saw it as abuse as stupid as that is I felt like it was my fault. When he’d beg me and cry how sorry he is I would believe it it’s so shameful on my part to know I stayed for so long. I have moved to a new place he doesn’t know where we live but I know he’s back in the country now. This is why I made the police report.

You are stronger than you think.

You will be fine and you are doing other women who may run in to him a favour.

Thank you so much. I really realise this about his mother now. The entire time it bought she was supporting me and our children I now see that she is more concerned with her son.. I think.

Yes, it sounds very much like her priority is with him. Does she know where you live?

Op I’d block his mother I have a really bad feeling about her and I don’t think she’s ever been on your side, your so strong to see this through with the police.

as PP asked does she know where you live ?

His mother doesn’t know where I live no , we just moved (closer to my family ) but also closer to him. We are half an hour away. They both do not have an address we have no mutual friends or anyone who would be able to tell him. X

so i don’t understand why they have such a hold over you? are they messaging you to tell you not to pursue?

when was the last time he saw them?

op… you have to focus on getting something formal i. place re access to the children

I intend to get something formal I have only started this entire process but reporting everything to the police 3 days ago. It was my intention to go through the court after this to do something more formal. He hasn’t seen our children for 5 months. As stupid as it is the hold is more emotional. Not sure if you read my above posts but I did not tell any of my family about this. She was the only person who knew for all these years everything he’s done. She would look after our children for me sometimes and help out a lot. She would pay for all the things he damaged in our home. Would help me out with money a lot . Telling me she sees me as a daughter . I admit this has created what I think is an unhealthy obligation . She has been the only “support” system I’ve had for years. I realise only now just how blinded I was. I have not told her that I’ve reported him yet. Unsure if I should. But in the past she always said she’d understand if I reported but the. Kept thanking me for not reporting and told me how grateful she is to me for not reporting in the past

She would thank me for not telling my family and the police for what he’s done. Despite the fact she knows everything he’s done over the course of 9 years and the repeat of behaviour up until last year when he shared the video of me online she knew all this and thanked me for not reporting and said she would support me

Don’t tell her you reported him and cut contact she did all that to keep you on side and manipulate you, I wouldn’t put it past her that these last few months while she’s been seeing your children that she’s been sending info onto her son and photos of your kids to him. You shouldn’t trust her and you’re not obligated to do anything that she wants of you. Her son is dangerous and his mother should not be trusted. If this goes to court and he’s prosecuted which side of the court do you think she’s gonna be sat on, yours or his? You should ask yourself that, if the police contact her to verify her involvement in the events that occurred, is she gonna speak up or cover for him? You should ask yourself that as well. She really isn’t on your side Op and you should tread carefully now.

Abusers count on you feeling guilty for this "you got me the jail". It is not you who gets them into trouble, it is their behaviour.

You have to remember that. His getting into trouble is his fault for breaking the law. And don't let his mum guilt you either - by thanking you for not reporting him she is piling guilt onto you. His behaviour is not your responsibility. He broke the law and deserves to be punished.

(On the other hand posters making you feel bad for not reporting is not on. It is not easy when you are in this situation especially as he is currently leaving you alone I understand why you don't want to engage. I'm sorry all of this happened. None of this is your fault.)

if he gets a whiff that he can hurt you by wanting contact with the children
he will

so prioritise this as a matter of extreme urgency

*. I have not told her that I’ve reported him yet. Unsure if I should.
why are you even in contact with her?

does she see the children?

Because she has always spent a lot of time with my children. She was very much involved I felt bad to stop her having access to the children for as long as I felt she was helping me. I rwslsie now she had been manipulating me to keep me inside and not report her son for all the things he had done now I realise this I made the report but I still feel a a lot of guilt and shame. This has not stopped me from reporting I am just saying how I feel

yes that was in the past
bur when was the last time you saw her? or she saw the children?

Thank you so much. I felt that something was wrong with her but I have always downloaded and not believed that she could have bad intentions for me. I realise now especially after reading all these comments from other people that what she has done is wrong. I made the police report 3 days ago. Initially I made the report not because I wanted to send him to jail because I was scared, but because I wanted there to be a record of what he’s done so he could never have custody if something ever happened to me. Or his mum after I see how she’s enabled his behaviour since I left. I now intend to “press charges” which I know isn’t a thing in the uk but I will assist the police with all of the evidence I have. I will make a formal statement because I realise now he isn’t just someone who’s made some mistakes , he has a very long pattern of abuse and I wouldn’t want anyone else to go through what I have

She last saw my children when I moved house 3 weeks ago, she looked after them whilst I moved. She has no idea where my house is. No address. My ex was in another country at the time was for the last 2 months and he is now back as of today

she hasn’t asked?