Am I bad for pressing charges on my abuser / child’s father

[Pinkflowersxo]

Please keep this anonymous

I have been in an abusive relationship for the last 6 years.

I always believed that he was sorry and he would change. Every time I believed him as stupid as that is. I am looking for some advice and will give some context.

He has punched me and kicked me to the ground infront of our 4 / almost 5 year old. Has attacked me whilst holding them. He has also strangled me to the point I thought he might kill me but he let go. My little girl witnessed this from the doorway. He had grabbed the steering wheel whilst driving 70 miles and swerved it multiple times because I was taking him home and didn’t want to be around him anymore.
He also uploaded a video of us having sex without my permission to sex / dating site. I have proof and a phone recording of him admitting this and apologising.

He has ripped off the car sun shade visor in anger and thrown it in the car it hit our little girl by accident. She still remembers this now.

He also put our daughter in the bath when she was too young to get herself up because I told him she need a bath seat. He shut the door on purpose and left her in the bath for 10 seconds to see me scared to prove that she will be fine without a seat. It was a deep bath and I was worried if she fell back she couldn’t get herself back up. I cried snd grabbed the foot but he wouldn’t let me open it. I think he just wanted to see me panic.

I admit I stayed with him because I believed that he was really sorry but the abuse always continues I see now.

I started to take photos of my bruises and black eyes. I took a screen shot of my video and kept the recording of him admitting it as I had wanted to go to the police but was too scared to do it and didn’t feel strong enough.

His mum knew everything that he did , she told him it was wrong and she told me to leave him she said that if I wanted to press charges she would understand but I never could do it and she then thanked me for not going to the police on all the times that I could have.

I don’t want him to have any contact with our children and he doesn’t want to anyway. He isn’t on the birth certicaye if one cos he was in jail.

I am no worried about the safety of my children if something were to happen to me. I wouldn’t want them in his care. He had been in jail before for drug dealing. This has pushed me to build up the strength to go to the police. However I feel so much guilt. I feel guilty towards his mum as she believes he should still get to see our boys despite the fact he has attacked me infront of then numerous times.

I have had social services involved in the past because of all this the neighbours always called the police and I had to call them sometimes.

I just wondered if I am a bad person if I decide to press charges. Now we are not together and haven’t been for a long time I am worried that it isn’t in record just how bad the abuse was because I never told the police this or the social workers. I told them it was just an argument. I feel like I might be ready to tell the truth but I have so much guilt and worry his mum will be so upset with me.

I would really appreciate any advice.

No she hasn’t and I believe this is because she doesn’t trust her self to not tell him if he asks !

Thank you very much for this. I think I am going to stop contact with her and the children as well going by everyone’s advice. Something I never thought I could do x

this is very odd
she’s always been very very involved
and now has no idea where you live and hasn’t asked to see the children she previously has had extensive involvement with

have you had any contact with her in last 3 weeks?

I have spoken to her on the phone. She would never come to my old house because I lived an hour away. And she doesn’t drive. I would always go to her. I have stopped doing this since I moved.

Now after 3 weeks of me living here she is saying. She wants to my house as she will not turn him away if he turns up to hers and the children are there. Of course I have not given my address and k don’t plan to continue talking to her after realising her involvement in it all

sorry i don’t understand

Actually she told me on our last phone call that she’s been telling him she’s been seeing the girls and I suspect she’ll have been sending him pictures. She mentioned to me he wanted to buy them a bag at the air port she suggested he buy them garden toys instead this was our last phone call where I decided that I did not want to continue speaking to her but felt a lot of guilt and shame for doing it as she has helped so much but I realise she is on his side not mine and our children

Now I’m coming to terms with it all she knew that he uploaded videos of my naked body of us having sex in a swingers website without my permission or knowledge and she thanked me for not reporting him. It makes me feel sick to think how stupid I’ve been regarding them both. I have evidence of what he has done admitting it and apologising. I will give this to the police

op of course this woman is going to want to see her grandchildren and where they live

you need to address the situation with her first and foremost

, I used to live an hour away from her. She does not drive, so I would visit her every 2 weeks by going to her with the kids. Now I have moved closer to her (half an hour) she now has a car. When I moved her 3 weeks ago she did not ask for the address. Only recently she has asked to start coming here because she told me that if the kids go to her house and he turns up she would not turn him away.

I am unsure of how to do this as previous posters have told me not to tell her I have reported and I intend to assist the police in charging him. I don’t want to have any contact with her anymore I haven’t formally said anything yet. I just have avoided her calls and haven’t given my address when she said she’d like to come visit us

ok so you’ve only moved a few weeks ago and she’s already asking to see them

so… you need to start managing this situation if you’re serious about her not seeing the children op

I think it’s safer if OP doesn’t give an explanation and just changes her phone number or blocks her tbh, I don’t think any good will come of it if you get into a conversation with his mother I think she will end up trying to guilt trip you .

Thank you so much. I do believe she will try to guilt me when he is arrested.

Thank you I may change my number as a previous poster had suggested I am definitely open to anyone’s advice on how to do this best with her

much much more than that i suspect op

she has had years of a very very close relationship with your children

shes going to fight tooth and nail to see then

Stay strong @Pinkflowersxo make sure you tell your family so you have proper support in place and make sure you speak to woman’s aid they will be great at supporting and advising you especially for next steps with the police
I hope your okay and you and your children move forward with your lives and be happy x

@Pinkflowersxo well done for taking the first step.

I've been in your position; I would do the following ...

Contact womens aid - they also put me onto victim support (they may be helpful to you too)
Show the police the sex tape online (it's revenge porn)
Change your phone number
Don't speak to his mother or give her any explanation or heads up

You have done the right thing.

The grandmother has told you she will not stop her son from seeing the kids. So you have no other choice than to cut her out now he is back in the country.
You need a non-mol. He will almost certainly set out to find you. Don't put anything about the kids or their environment or school uniform photo on social media.

You have been very brave to leave and to now report so be aware of that achievement. Do your family now know about what happened? If they don’t please tell them, you have lost your MIL as a support and need someone else in place of her who is in your camp and not with divided loyalties.
It might be good to take a copy of all your evidence and give it to a friend or family member to keep.
Good luck with your next steps.

Well done. A huge one. You're doing the right thing to protect both you and your children.

All the shame here is on your ex and his mother. She doesn't have yours or the children's best interests at heart, just her own and the psychopath she raised.

You have no obligation whatsoever to continue a relationship with her. Feel free to change your number and get her out of your life completely. Don't feel guilty, these are the consequences of her own actions.

I hope CPS charge him and he gets the book thrown at him. He's committed so many offences here that you have evidence for.

Cut off that contact, go ahead with your reports and I wish you a very peaceful and happy life with your kids. You deserve it.

Please tell your family everything. Accept their help and support.

She has been as big a part of coercively controlling you as he has.
Tell the police of how she has behaved.
She is as bad as he is.
Block her number.
Tell the police that you have blocked her number as you no longer want any contact with her.
She has been quietly controlling you to stop you reporting multiple crimes her son has committed against you.
Tell the police everything.

Well done. You can do this.

Really brave of you to leave and report.

Please stick to your guns.

If this goes to family court for access (he might do this to control you) you need the charges to stick to prevent access.

Block his stupid mother.

I’m really sorry you went through this 😓

Thank you so much. Honestly reading all of your messages has really helped with my anxiety this weekend I reported on Friday Monday the officer will come out to me I was a wreck with anxiety over he all but I feel like cutting his mum off will be a huge relief In my life. I remember some things she said which is quite odd but I remember her saying once “wow you usually run things past me first before making a decision” and “now that you have moved closer to your family it seems that I have been made redundant”. I realise this is a bit manipulative now x