My will

[Jennyjennybean]

This is a long story and I will try to keep it brief.

My parents passed away just before lock down. My twin sister and I were very close. We supported each other through this. At the same time her relationship with her husband became difficult. He checked out - there was a lot going on with both children and I stepped in. Nothing huge but I took on some homeschooling - as a single person I was in their family bubble - and I helped out financially. my nephew had some serious health concerns and that, coupled with home schooling and working from home, was too much for my sister to carry alone during lockdown. My sister and I talked every day - I was her sounding board for anxieties about the children. Her husband was furloughed, moved into the garage and drank. I confess I was a bit critical of this.

My sister and brother in law had a heart to heart and decided on a fresh start. His condition was this fresh start wouldn’t include me, so my sister said we would have to have no communication for a time while they rebuilt their relationship. It was hard but I accepted it. I thought it would be a short period but I still haven’t heard from her. I do know she had to pick him - he is the children’s father and before this episode he was great with them.

now for the tough bit. I have breast cancer. I haven’t told her and I won’t tell her. I have had counselling and done a lot of reading and I know it’s emotional blackmail to try and reconcile under these circumstances.

if I die (not certain but very possible) she wouldn’t know. I sat waiting for her to contact me for a year then couldn’t cope anymore and moved away. My will pre dates our estrangement and everything goes to her. I don’t know what to do. On one hand it’s quite a substantial sum - and includes my inheritance from our parents. Morally it should go to my niece and nephew. But - I know news of my death would be upsetting. Is it kinder for her just to assume I am living a life somewhere? I haven’t listed her as my next of kin - can I ask that she isn’t notified? And then where does the money go?

You can leave your money to anyone or organisation you want.
I think it would be nice to leave it, in trust, for you niece and nephew. Your solicitor can set this up for you. They can also be the trustee of you don't want your sister to be, they will charge to be a trustee.

Morally it should go to my niece and nephew

It can go to them if you want. I know MN thinks money should be handed down intact throught the generations but as previous poster said, you can leave it to any organisation you want. Pick a few of your favourite charities (or some local small ones) and benefit them.

Thanks. I can chat to my solicitor next week - but do you know would my sister need to know? The children are early teens - I wouldn’t want them to know ( or have access to the money) until they are much older.

I keep imagining my sister getting a solicitors letter saying I have died. That would be awful.

There doesn’t seem to be a good way to handle this.

I always assumed we would reconcile someday. In my mid two older ladies would meet for coffee and catch each other up on the missed years.

Sorry OP this must be incredibly hard for you. While I can understand a fresh start, your BIL making your sister choose between him and you was very cruel.

I think it would be nice to leave it to your niece and nephew, if that's what you want. It will give them a boost and you know it will get to them, where if you leave it to your sister it may not...

it sounds awful that your sister's DH has cut her off from her only family. I'd worry that something is wrong there.

have you send her any birthday card or a text or something that opens up communication? don't start with the news of your illness, but just to see how she is and if her marriage is now in a place where she can be in touch again.

You are being ridiculous. Of course she has to know you have breast cancer. What if it turns out it is inherited? How is she or your niece (or your nephew for that matter) going to be able to make informed decisions without full and frank information about family medical history. And how unfair not to give her every opportunity to reconcile with you while she still can

Your sister and niece should not be using hormonal contraceptives without this information. How can you consider keeping it from them? Even if no gene is found that has caused your cancer, there are many genes that have not been identified yet, and this information is vital for family members

Nephew and niece definitely.

Do not reward your sister and especially the bil for this treacherousness.

Spend on yourself more too, on your treatment x

I know if I left it to my sister it would benefit the children - they are her world and she is a good person. I assume she is still with my brother in law. In a divorce he would (I assume) get half and that does irk me. It’s probably over a million all in. I know they struggle and this would make a huge difference. And I really want to help - but that have also clearly indicated they don’t want my help.

that is where I go round and round in circles.

Why don't you spend your money on you?

I'm sorry OP but how does it make it better that the kids get it when they are 20 or 30 compared to say 16?
Either way your Dsis will have to come to terms with the fact that you died, and she didn't know you were ill.
If I were you, I'd leave the money where you think it will make a difference. To a charity or to your niece/nephew or whatever. But write a letter explaining things to your Dsis, say that you'd hope to reconcile but that wasn't to be and explain why you chose not to tell her about the cancer. It will help her with closure if you do pass, but also will maybe help you articulate what must be going on in your head with this. Must be tough for you

This is very sad .
I can't help think that this is the time for reconciliation if possible however I think it's very hurtful of her to so obviously choose her husband without challenging his demand she sever ties with you .

I think in all honesty I would leave your money to charity . So much good can be done with it over family who dropped you .

All the advice is not to contact family members who have requested no contact. We are fraternal twins.

i am still absorbing a lot of this information myself.

I would leave to your niece and nephew in trust for them.

In terms of your sister, if you find yourself in a position where you aren’t going to get better then perhaps it will be time to tell her. To at least give her the opportunity to apologise and make it right.

Hopefully your treatment and recovery is straight forward and quick OP. Wishing you the best

As it's a large amount you could leave it in trust between your niece and nephew. Spend on yourself now while you have the opportunity, a holiday maybe. You ought to let your twin sister know you have breast cancer. Give her the chance to patch up your relationship. It feels like you are punishing her by not telling her. I hope you get successful treatment.

The inheritance will be houses etc. I do have a nice standard of living.

As a twin this made me really sad to read! Please contact your sister! I suspect that having no contact with you is already eating her up inside but her husband has basically given her Sophie’s choice. The thought of my sister being in any kind of emotional or physical pain without feeling like she could talk to me would break me. Of course you should reach out to her!

Leave some in trust to your nephew and niece, then treat yourself and spend some on you, any remaining donate to a worthy charity. You sound like a really lovely, caring individual and deserve so much more. Do you know for definite that you’d be rejected if you reached out to your sister? It’s so unfair on you when you need someone to support you.

I'm so sorry you are ill.

I think your sister behaved incredibly badly. I'm sure she feels awful about that every day. Your BIL is a disgusting person - he and his family benefited financially from you and you helped educate his children while he drank in the garage like a complete and utter loser. I agree with others that I wouldn't want him to benefit from a penny more.

I really think you should contact your sister. What you could do is message her and ask her how she is. If she doesn't reply (and you know for definite she received the message) then I wouldn't tell her you have cancer. If she does then I'd wait to see what she said and see whether she wanted to meet for coffee and a chat.

I'd struggle to trust her, to be really honest. If she apologised for her absence then I'd tell her about the diagnosis. I know you envisage her getting shocking news, but what does she expect if she goes no contact like that?

I'm not sure whether this is possible, but could you leave everything to the children in a trust that they can't touch until they are 28 or so? I really wouldn't leave a penny to your sister because your BIL will be all over that.

I hope you have some friends who can support you at such a difficult time.

This is such a difficult situation for you and you are really brave for yourself and considerate of everybody around you.

If you want your niece and nephew to inherit, you can set that up. You can also ask your solicitor to notify your sister but however she’s told, it will be a shock. Could you write her a letter and lodge it with your solicitor? This might help both of you.

That is where I flip - is it punishing her or respecting her wishes.

I was at fault here too of course. I became overly involved - a second parent sometimes.

There is no hero and no villain - just a relationship that broke. I probably remind my brother in law of a time when he didn’t step up so I did. I also said some unkind things about him that I assume my sister told him.

I would never know if she truly wanted to reconcile or felt guilty because I might be dying.

selfishly It’s easier to be this sick without family. I am in a support group and everyone is worried about their loved ones - how to tell them - how they are feeling - how they react to decisions about treatment (or no treatment). I don’t have that. I only had to tell some work colleagues. I haven’t told old friends at home. My parents are dead and my sister doesn’t speak to me.

You are making a big mistake.

I have been in an identical situation.

When I was diagnosed I contacted family that I had not been in touch with for 30 years. It turns out two young girls and a boy in the family are carrying a very nasty gene.

For warned is for for armed.

Why would I not have warned them? the gene that caused my cancer was an identified one, but even before it was identified, I still got in touch.

The consultant told me there were known to be many genes causing cancer that have not been identified, but that I should still inform my family. So I don't know where you have been looking, but certainly not true AT ALL that all advice is not to contact family. Extremely unfair not to. People need to know their family medical histories, especially with something like this. How else can they make informed decisions about their health?

My relatives cannot use hormonal contraception or HRT. Yours at least need to know what is in the family before deciding if they want to take those risks or not

I was given the option of leaving all my genetic information available in the hospital records so that my relatives could still check for genes even if the genes are identified years or decades after my death.

We had our reasons for being noncontact, but this is potentially life saving information, and supersedes any other quarrel or personality clash.

As others have said, I would spend as much as I could now. If there's anything you want to do, do it. If you see any small local charities that you think could do with a bit of help, either give them the money now or remember them in your will. I wouldn't leave everything to the children, just whatever's left.

Personally I certainly wouldn’t leave her a penny. I’d leave it all to her kids but in trust so her wanker of a husband doesn’t benefit from a penny of it.

Well FGS change your will so she doesn't get it her DH would be eligible to half.

If you don't have any relationship with your neixe and nephew then I suppose you could leave it to a charity where you know it will make a real difference.

My Instinct would be to reach out to your sister to reconcile and leave the money in trust for your DN to give them a start in life.