My will

[Jennyjennybean]

This is a long story and I will try to keep it brief.

My parents passed away just before lock down. My twin sister and I were very close. We supported each other through this. At the same time her relationship with her husband became difficult. He checked out - there was a lot going on with both children and I stepped in. Nothing huge but I took on some homeschooling - as a single person I was in their family bubble - and I helped out financially. my nephew had some serious health concerns and that, coupled with home schooling and working from home, was too much for my sister to carry alone during lockdown. My sister and I talked every day - I was her sounding board for anxieties about the children. Her husband was furloughed, moved into the garage and drank. I confess I was a bit critical of this.

My sister and brother in law had a heart to heart and decided on a fresh start. His condition was this fresh start wouldn’t include me, so my sister said we would have to have no communication for a time while they rebuilt their relationship. It was hard but I accepted it. I thought it would be a short period but I still haven’t heard from her. I do know she had to pick him - he is the children’s father and before this episode he was great with them.

now for the tough bit. I have breast cancer. I haven’t told her and I won’t tell her. I have had counselling and done a lot of reading and I know it’s emotional blackmail to try and reconcile under these circumstances.

if I die (not certain but very possible) she wouldn’t know. I sat waiting for her to contact me for a year then couldn’t cope anymore and moved away. My will pre dates our estrangement and everything goes to her. I don’t know what to do. On one hand it’s quite a substantial sum - and includes my inheritance from our parents. Morally it should go to my niece and nephew. But - I know news of my death would be upsetting. Is it kinder for her just to assume I am living a life somewhere? I haven’t listed her as my next of kin - can I ask that she isn’t notified? And then where does the money go?

I think to your nieces and nephew in this situation. Not because you don’t love your sister but you BIL sounds like a prick. Ultimately I’m guessing you would hope it would end up with them anyway. You could leave say a quarter to you sister and the rest split between the kids? But tbh if your sister hasn’t spoke to you in a year I would be seriously worried about coercive control.

I would let your sister know you have cancer but alter your will to ensure that he is not a beneficiary. I would have zero issue with any of my siblings skipping me and giving to my DC.

I’m so sorry OP, you sound like a fabulous sister and you should have had yours to hold your hand through this 💐

This is stunningly insensitive. OP is seriously ill and coming to terms with her diagnosis without the support of her parents or the twin sister she was previously very close with. Frankly, not having access to medical information or important news was something the sister should have considered when she cut OP off. It's not OP's job to worry about that now, when she already has so much on her plate.

If you wanted to draw OP's attention to something she may not have considered then there are ways of saying that, without being rude to someone who is struggling.

Nothing rude abut it, she is considering withholding potentially life saving information from her sister and niece! She doesn't seem to have given this half a thought.

If she didn't want to hear what people think she should do, why would she post on MN?

My doctor hadn’t mentioned family - or not that I remember. There was one appointment where she talked a lot and I confess I didn’t hear most of it. I don’t remember the drive home either.

I will make an appointment to ask about family links. It hadn’t occurred to me to be brutally honest.

If the doctor advises it, I will of course find a way to let my sister know she needs to be aware of a potential gel cause for concern.

I understand this is a hugely emotive subject - and I am sorry for your health struggles.

I wasn’t deliberately withholding health information - I hadn’t thought of that angle. I am processing a late diagnosis and my mind went straight to wills.

I have been solo in all appointments - I brought a notebook but didn’t actually write in it.

OP, leave it to who will help you in your final days. If it's a friend, respite or charity.
Your sister shouldn't have chosen anyone over anyone else.

I also forgot to mention that my dad was a twin and that bond is indescribable, they too were fraternal. They had a falling out and it was due to my mother and the other wife having a spat. Many years later my uncle had terminal cancer and reached out to my dad, so many years had been lost. They reminisced so much, they had an amazing adventurous childhood for two war babies. My dad was heartbroken when his brother passed, in fact I believe this was when he gave up fighting his many illnesses. Apparently he shouted out in his sleep one night that he was going to join his brother, I won’t be long he said. Within a year he passed away.

After witnessing what they went through I’d definitely inform your sister of your situation, then it’s up to her if she wants to re connect like my dad did. She may want to, but like my uncle his wife and my mum hated each other so that drove a wedge between the twins. They were unusual in their small village being the only twins, they were so close.

You stepped up when your BIL was getting pissed on his own!!. He’ll have lots of shame around that, but that’s his to deal with. He shouldn’t be projecting his shitty feelings onto you. I’m a twin and we step up for each other. Always. It’s a weird close bond that some men in our lives have found it difficult to tolerate. Your BIL sounds insecure and controlling. Please make this right with your sister, trust me she’ll want to be there for you!

At the risk of sounding blunt OP. Your sister can have more than one husband... I mean obviously one's first loyalty is to their spouse but he sounds like a prick, and who knows how long their marriage will last. But she'll only ever have one twin sister. You must tell her.

Do whatever you feel happiest about. Do not forget there will be IHT on your estate if it is` about 1 million - unless you leave it to charity.

It's not @Jennyjennybean that walked away. If the sister wanted to reconcile she could.

@Jennyjennybean I am so sorry you are ill and I hope you fully recover.
There is no way to leave the money to your niece and nephews without your sister finding out you have died. If you want them to receive your estate then you can do that and you can also state the age they receive the money.

I think I might do some online stalking to see if you can find out her current situation ams id also send a card saying I am thinking of you and would love to meet up.

I think it would be tragic if she found out too late. It would torture her forever. Life is too short. Your sister’s husband sounds a bully. Your sister should have been stronger. But you need your family around you. Things could surely be sorted?

Hi OP. I am sorry you are in this position. Your DS will find out reasonably quickly if you pass away. There will be some joint connection or relative who will tell her. So I would do two things. One, for her sake leave her a letter explaining why you had not been in touch. If you wish to leave things to the next generation as others have said this is quite possible and you can change your will with a little help from your solicitor.

I'd tell her. Where its emotional blackmail is if you expected sonething from her or tried to guilt her into seeing you. Just telling her gives her the choice to contact you or not

Maybe it’s pride - I don’t want pity. I want people who genuinely want to be there for me.

I am mature enough to understand there are two sides to every story. There was no falling out - just a deliberate decision from my sister that she wanted a period of time without me in her life. That time is ongoing. It’s been three years.

If she shows pity tell her no thanks. It's a bit much to deny yourself her comfort and company for something that can be resolved.

This was so, so unbearably sad to read. Three years! I am shocked that she has not contacted you for so long, after you did so much.
It must have been so painful for you.

You have mentioned that you had said some unkind things… and I do wonder, not knowing the details, if he just wanted an acknowledgment of that? Or perhaps an apology?

It would be tragic for both of you to never reconcile, and perhaps the reconciliation needs to be fought for now… please please do reach out to her/him.

Totally agree with this. It's such a sad situation.
Re the will, I'd say leave to see neice and nephew in trust and don't forget to get financial advice about Inheritance tax. All the very best to you @Jennyjennybean

She's decided that time period assuming you'll always be around. She would likely act differently with information suggesting otherwise.
I really hope you can reach out as sisters.

I'm so sorry for your diagnosis. I wish your situation was easier.

In an ideal world, could she use a gift or inheritance from you to get away from him?

I am assuming she told him. I said he needed to stop drinking and spend time with his children. I said he was spoiled and selfish. I said this in conversation with my emotional and broken sister. What I said was true - she was working full time, home schooling two children, fighting to get my nephew a diagnosis. He refused to help.

She was considering leaving him - I offered her and the children a home. I offered to sign over my half of our parents house to her if she got divorced. I said I wouldn’t do it before a divorce. I became too solution focused and without the context of how miserable and broken she was and the fact that that she was planning to leave it sounds like I was pushing for a seperation.

I actually wasn’t - I knew it would devastate the children. I wanted my BIL to have counselling - and maybe a good kick Up the arse!

Not for me it isn’t. You can always get another spouse.

Don’t beat yourself up. He sounds like a prick.

You’ve said your sister needed to choose her husband who walked out on her at an unprecedented time in history where everyone was terrified, just after her parents died and she had a sick child, over you, her twin sister who stepped up and supported her. Why? Because you called him a few names, who wouldn’t? There was no need for this ultimatum or decision. You are being punished for being a good sister.

Now your worried about her getting a solicitors letter if you die and the impact on her.

How about you put your self first!

If you want her in your life, reach out. You don’t have to tell her you’re sick. Once you know if she wants to be a part of your life then you can tell her.

As for genetic issues. My aunties refused the genetic consultants request to look at their medical records when I was being tested for a gene from my other side of the family. They are very private women, neither talked about their cancers, one didn’t even tell her children until she was quite far long the treatment. I never resented them. I still don’t know if I’m at risk, but most of us don’t.

If you turn out to have a genetically linked cancer and you remain estranged you can leave the details in a solicitors letter for your sister and niece if you die. If, and I hope you do, you survive you can still have a solicitor send her a letter asking her to get checked.

I would definitely change your will, even if it’s to ensure your BIL can’t get his hands on your money.

good luck 💐

You could leave it to an amazing cause. So a taken gesture to niece and nephew then you could leave it to a really worthy cause.
I would choose the lullaby trust as it's a charity close to my heart.
You could leave it to a school to pay for trips for kids that couldn't afford to go otherwise.
A million other amazing causes.
Hopefully it won't come to that and you will be ok.

Wow, I'm sorry OP.

I may be going against the grain here, but I'd not contact your sister. She's made it clear where she stands & where you stand. She will have to live with the consequences of your estrangement. It was after all, her choice.

As others have said, you can set up a trust to benefit your niece & nephew.

I hope you live life to the fullest & enjoy every moment.