My will

[Jennyjennybean]

This is a long story and I will try to keep it brief.

My parents passed away just before lock down. My twin sister and I were very close. We supported each other through this. At the same time her relationship with her husband became difficult. He checked out - there was a lot going on with both children and I stepped in. Nothing huge but I took on some homeschooling - as a single person I was in their family bubble - and I helped out financially. my nephew had some serious health concerns and that, coupled with home schooling and working from home, was too much for my sister to carry alone during lockdown. My sister and I talked every day - I was her sounding board for anxieties about the children. Her husband was furloughed, moved into the garage and drank. I confess I was a bit critical of this.

My sister and brother in law had a heart to heart and decided on a fresh start. His condition was this fresh start wouldn’t include me, so my sister said we would have to have no communication for a time while they rebuilt their relationship. It was hard but I accepted it. I thought it would be a short period but I still haven’t heard from her. I do know she had to pick him - he is the children’s father and before this episode he was great with them.

now for the tough bit. I have breast cancer. I haven’t told her and I won’t tell her. I have had counselling and done a lot of reading and I know it’s emotional blackmail to try and reconcile under these circumstances.

if I die (not certain but very possible) she wouldn’t know. I sat waiting for her to contact me for a year then couldn’t cope anymore and moved away. My will pre dates our estrangement and everything goes to her. I don’t know what to do. On one hand it’s quite a substantial sum - and includes my inheritance from our parents. Morally it should go to my niece and nephew. But - I know news of my death would be upsetting. Is it kinder for her just to assume I am living a life somewhere? I haven’t listed her as my next of kin - can I ask that she isn’t notified? And then where does the money go?

I would leave it all to the niece and nephew in a trust. If you give it to your sister your grubby bil will get his hands on it. I would never be with someone who demanded I cut out a family member like that. So she is not an innocent victim in this. She chose him. I would write a letter, or else ask the solicitor to pass on medical information upon your death so that they know they may be at risk.

£325k limit if no kids/spouse.

I'm terribly sorry OP, this may be one of the most heartbreaking things I've read on here.

I know you don't want someone to reconcile due to pity and I understand that, I would feel the same way. However what if you reached out to your sister but didn't tell her you have cancer?

If she responds then you could wait a few months and then tell her about your cancer, this way you would know she wants to reconcile for the right reasons.

And if she doesn't respond then that will tell you all you need to know.

My concern with that would be if she reached out to her sister without mentioning the cancer but was ignored. That would make her feel worse.

She might not respond. Her terms were clear. She needed time without me, and she would contact me
when she was ready.

I have been very deliberate in respecting her wishes. There were some issues regarding my parents estate and that was handled through a solicitor with no contact.

I am not really in a great place at the moment and I don’t really want the children to see that anyway.

I’m so sorry you are in this position. I don’t know about the advice that you have read but it doesn’t seem balanced. It sounds like you were very close a short time ago and while not in contact now, it is not due to an abusive relationship between you two. I understand what you say about it being easier - not having to deal with others grief and it is totally in your control which may also be important to you but honestly the money isn’t really the issue. The most valuable thing you can offer is time - which she is unaware may be running out. I would reach out explaining you don’t expect anything from her but what your situation is. Tell her you respect her boundaries but wanted her to know. I wouldn’t labour the worst outcome as that can be emotionally difficult but puts more knowledge for her. Your will is entirely up to you - perhaps leave most in trust with a percentage that would help the family in the short term.

As above you could reach out so see how the ground lies 1st. Even if the prognosis is not good you may have a good few years for her to contact you

if you tell her about the cancer you can be sure her DH will want to reconcile as he’ll want you to give his wife your money.
If you leave in trust to your nephew/niece dsis will know so you should include a letter explaining everything.

you can of course give some to charity as well.
Even if you leave it all to charity I think you should write a letter to be send after you have died so she at least she’ll know.

That said, I sincerely hope it does not come to this and you make a full recovery

OP, please ignore hectoring and unsympathetic comments. Your sister has made full use of your kindness and then treated you like dirt. You owe her nothing. And the important thing is to do what’s best for you.

I’d be inclined to advise her (perhaps via a friend or relative ) to have whatever check-ups people can get when a relative has breast cancer, but not otherwise engage with them.

You are a very generous and decent person, far better than your shit of a BIL and your feeble sister deserve. She was an idiot to give in to such a vile controlling man. Sadly her children have to live with him too.

I truly hope you recover and have many happy years ahead. But meanwhile please spend your money on enjoying life while you can.

I would divide the rest between a trust fund for your sister’s children (that the parents can’t touch), and my favourite charities and good causes.

Sending you best wishes for healing and happiness xx

You sound lovely OP. So sorry that this is happening to you.

No, she didn’t HAVE to choose him. She CHOSE to side with him. He behaved like an arsehole and you behaved wonderfully and yet she still favored him over her own twin. Yuck.
Leave the money in trust to your niece and nephew. Alongside a letter to be opened after your death explaining exactly how you feel.

Please don't do this OP, if anything happens to you she will never recover knowing there was a rift between you and that you went through this alone and you would be gone there would be so much left unsaid.

Do you know where she lives? Would she be able to contact you if she wanted too? As you moved away? Maybe she's tried?

Please write her a letter, give her a chance to say the things she wants to say in return. It will not be emotional blackmail at all, I would want to know, I would not see it as being blackmailed.

Write the letter say you've been ill and say anything that you want to say to her. Give her the chance to do the same.

God I'm so so sorry.... It saddens me to the core that your completely alone in this. Can no one from the support group come with you to take notes? Have you been given a macmillan nurse advocate?

I feel like you don't want your sister around out of duty or maybe in the back of your mind (for the money) your completely right to be hurt. Although there was wrong on both sides she should not have completely shut you out. The kind thing to do for her is tell her but OP leave the money to your niece and nephew, in a trust until they are 25 or something and maybe a property each if you have them. Leave nothing but a small token for you sister. Reach out though for her sake because grief brings guilt for everyone but it will be tenfold for her and she may never recover.

Her terms were clear. She needed time without me, and she would contact me
when she was ready.

She’s making a decision about when she is ready without having all the facts. Whilst she has brought it on herself (under difficult circumstances, admittedly), you, as the person who, if not the person who loves her most in the world, then at least one of the top three, should do her the curtesy of furnishing her with the facts.
I’d bet diamonds that if she had your diagnosis she would have “been ready”.

Fuck all the advice!!!
Your sister needs this information while you are alive because it will be too late when you’re dead.

Op you said that you waited for a year and then moved away. Does your sister even know where you are or how to contact you?

Maybe you should just reach out and see if she is willing to talk. You don't have to share your news right away.

I would however change your will and leave your estate to your nice and nephew in trust, also leaver her a letter explaining things as well.

How is this hectoring or unsympathetic? It is realistic. How is the OP going to feel if she hears her sister or niece is possibly terminally ill with an illness they could have avoided if she had warned them? how does an argument between relatives out-rank giving life saving information?

Smal token for niece and nephew, the rest to charity. I would love to visit all the charities that I intend to give my money to. See how you can help.

Your clearly a wonderful person, but have you considered your not in a great place because you can't share your anger and fears with people who love you?

OP at times like this it's OK to put yourself first for a change. It's clear that's always been the last thing you have done. You were litterally going yo give her your inheritance to help her stay on her feet. She didn't deserve you.... whilst I know it looked bad at face value what a truelly amazing thing to do.

Contact your sister OP. you neice and nephew would be devastated to not to have seen you, it's clear you've done alot for them.

I honestly hope you get through the other side of this.
Why don't you record your appointments?, tell the doctors and nurses it's just for later because your struggling to take it all in, you can only ask

I'm so sorry OP. Your head must be spinning.

In your shoes (especially as it's been 3 years, which is a long time) I'd make initial contact with your sister, not mentioning your cancer. See if she responds, then decide whether or not to tell her depending on the response.

If you're thinking about potential inherited health issues, I'd leave a letter with details with your solicitor to be passed on when you see fit.

I would also only given niece/nephew a portion of your estate in trust if you really want to - spend it & give it to charity as another poster suggested.

Do you have any friends OP? I feel so sad at the thought of you going through this alone . Please please reach out to your sister . Then she can make an informed decision ( hopefully the right one ) you sound lovely and thoughtful and don't deserve this

This.
sorry OP, what a horrible set of events. Her DH sounds like a manipulative, insecure, selfish arsehole and she should never have agreed to cut contact with her sister. Sick stuff.
Ideally they would get to know for health reasons but I agree with post above, use what you can on having as comfortable a situation as possible for yourself.
I think youngsters inheriting a huge amount isn’t too good for them anyway. And BIL certainly shouldn’t see a penny.

Completely understandable that all the info has been hard to take in. Your sister should have been there for you like you were for her and needs her head looking at.

💐💐💐

I’m so sorry op, you really are in a very difficult position and I can see why you feel there is a benefit to going it alone (I’ve had cancer, but caught it early) as dealing with family’s emotions is draining.

I think you need to think about you. I know that sounds selfish and you don’t sound like you are usually, so you may need to work at it. There are sometimes when family can help - do you think the pluses of this help will out way having to deal with all your sister’s feelings?

in your shoes, I’d leave it to your niece and nephew, but see if it can be in trust until they’re 25. Early enough for a house deposit (or house) but after gap years and uni - so less chance of it funding drugs and alcohol.

in the end, do what makes you feel better/best.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

You need to do what is right for you here. If it is contacting your sister then so be it. Three years is a very long time for her to leave it and you must have feelings about that - you need to make your peace with the situation as this isn’t about your sister and her needs at all.

I would speak with your solicitor about putting inheritance into a trust for the children and for the solicitor to be a trustee to ensure it isn’t misused.

I hope that treatment is successful and that you are able to reconcile with your sister on term that rent this. Best of luck OP

Her husband sounds abusive and controlling and that's probably why she hasn't been able to reach out to you in 3 years. I really do think you should tell her about your diagnosis. Either in person or over text. Don't give her anything in your will though as it'll all go to her controlling husband. Maybe put some of your money in a trust fund for your niece and nephew (maybe they can access at 21 or something) and then give money to people who have supported you, charities etc.

In your position I would leave 10% to your sister along with any item of sentimental value you think she would like. This is still a substantial amount, and makes the will harder to contest. I’d split the rest between your niece and nephew, any friends who’ve been especially supportive and a favourite charity.