My will

[Jennyjennybean]

This is a long story and I will try to keep it brief.

My parents passed away just before lock down. My twin sister and I were very close. We supported each other through this. At the same time her relationship with her husband became difficult. He checked out - there was a lot going on with both children and I stepped in. Nothing huge but I took on some homeschooling - as a single person I was in their family bubble - and I helped out financially. my nephew had some serious health concerns and that, coupled with home schooling and working from home, was too much for my sister to carry alone during lockdown. My sister and I talked every day - I was her sounding board for anxieties about the children. Her husband was furloughed, moved into the garage and drank. I confess I was a bit critical of this.

My sister and brother in law had a heart to heart and decided on a fresh start. His condition was this fresh start wouldn’t include me, so my sister said we would have to have no communication for a time while they rebuilt their relationship. It was hard but I accepted it. I thought it would be a short period but I still haven’t heard from her. I do know she had to pick him - he is the children’s father and before this episode he was great with them.

now for the tough bit. I have breast cancer. I haven’t told her and I won’t tell her. I have had counselling and done a lot of reading and I know it’s emotional blackmail to try and reconcile under these circumstances.

if I die (not certain but very possible) she wouldn’t know. I sat waiting for her to contact me for a year then couldn’t cope anymore and moved away. My will pre dates our estrangement and everything goes to her. I don’t know what to do. On one hand it’s quite a substantial sum - and includes my inheritance from our parents. Morally it should go to my niece and nephew. But - I know news of my death would be upsetting. Is it kinder for her just to assume I am living a life somewhere? I haven’t listed her as my next of kin - can I ask that she isn’t notified? And then where does the money go?

💐 my heart aches for you and your sister.

I agree with others, you should reach out to your sister.
Are you still having counselling sessions or can you contact any of the cancer charities. Talk to someone in person. Maybe you can reach out by writing a letter to her?
I would leave an inheritance in trust to your niece & nephew. And leave a letter with your will explaining your reasons for not contacting her (if that's what you decide to do).

I would contact your sister but not tell her that you were ill. Tell her that you dearly wish to resume your relationship with her and her children. Tell her that life is too short and precarious to be estranged.

Her husband may or may not have turned his life around and now be a better husband and father. If he has he should have no objection to you coming back into their lives. Part of the change should be an acknowledgment that he let his family down.

I would leave your money to your niece and nephew, it's not their fault that you don't see them. As a pp said, anything sentimental should go to your sister.

I'm so sorry, it's very hard. I wish you all the best for your recovery 💐

OP you sound like a good person. Who was trying to do her best for Dsis at a very difficult time.
Why don't you write down what you wrote in that post about you not understanding her emotional support needs and that you can see things a bit differently now. Post her a letter telling her these things.
She may just think you are still of the same views as you said at that time.
I think if I was in her position I'd be grateful for a chance to reconcile and possibly say goodbye depending on how the cancer progresses.
I wish you all the best you sound like a good kind person.
Do you have some friends who can support you, honestly it was my privilege to support a dear friend who had cancer. I sat with her, helped her out with things. Do not under estimate how much your friends may care for you. And failing that you should be given a cancer nurse contact and they should be able to answer these questions for you. My friend has the cancer nurse phone and could call back and ask questions that she forgot or didn't remember the answer to.

Take care and don't think that asking for help is a weakness. It's not

Do you not have any other family at all op? Or anyone in your life who knows the two of you? Do you even know if she's alright or anything about the children?

This 3 year sudden no contact seems highly unusual. Maybe she interprets your "respecting her boundaries" as you going no contact with her?

You clearly didn't let her know your new address when you moved away but I'm guessing not your phone number or email address. I'm really quite surprised you have never even sent her a message in 3 years along the lines of "thinking of you all, hope everyone's ok". To go from the sort of relationship you describe at the start of your OP to absolutely no contact in 3 years ... something's not adding up.

I'm guessing you didn't change your phone number or email address is what I meant to say.

The clear issue is, she said she need time, but she's not thinking that time is finite. It really is when someone is ill.

Put yourself first. If you want to try, try. If you don't then stop worrying about what happens after your death.

Medical notes for your niece and nephew's sake would be the right thing.

I’m estranged from my sister, when we updated wills i wrote her out and put her children in, she won’t ever benefit, you should do the same. Get your solicitor to be the executor, so your neice and nephew don’t have to get involved in estate management/probate. Then forget about it, it’s sorted. Put your energy into you, your treatment and what you want from life.

You are understandably cautious. You supported your sister when she needed you. You were rewarded by her rejecting you.

I can understand that there’s a big risk in contacting your sister. If you don’t tell her that you’re ill, she may not want to have contact with you. That would bring even more hurt, at a time when you have so much to deal with.

If you do tell her that you’re ill, she may still reject you. Even if she doesn’t, you will never know whether her response is genuine.

The problem with love is that it always involves risk. Only you can decide if you feel strong enough to take the risk. The outcome may be dreadful but it may also be wonderful.

If you don’t feel able to contact her, leaving a letter with your will is a good option. You can say everything that you need to. You can also leave letters to your niece and nephew, telling them how much you love them. An inheritance in trust for your niece and nephew will probably be the best way forward, no matter what you do about contact.

Fabulous advice from @Chocolateisameal.

You sound amazing OP and all being well you will get through this and have many more years ahead of you. In your shoes, I would reach out with an update on your health situation because - in my mind - that is the best way for everyone to know where they stand. But everyone’s different. You have to do what’s right for you and @Chocolateisameal has nailed the key considerations.

Just read this whole post as this is such a sad story, I can't imagine how you are coping OP you sound like a very strong, thoughtful lady. At the moment iam supporting a colleague through her marital estrangement so I can appreciate having your sisters best interests at heart may mean you have to say some truths neither she or her husband want to hear. You know your sister and husband best, could it be that she's too embarrassed to contact you now that 3 years have passed?
If she's in a controlling relationship and as you say money is tight for her she may realise now that she's stuck on a sinking ship but unable to bail. He may have changed?
You not being around doesn't mean he didn't abandon his family, if his wife has forgiven him then surely he wants you to see the man he's now become? There's lots of possibilities. With the support you have received it will help you with the possibility that you contact her and she doesn't respond is that worse than your feelings now that she may step up so she can help you like you helped her?
You could leave some of your money to your niece and nephew plus something to a local charity close to your heart. I knew a lady who as a child always wanted to play a musical instrument but her family couldn't afford to buy the instruments so she donated some ukuleles to all the local schools while she was still able to see them and she was invited every term to an assembly to watch them progress, you could do anything that's close to your heart to bring some enjoyment to many in your honour (a living legacy for when you recover, I'm sending you positive thoughts)
My gut says send her a letter telling her everything you've posted as you are obviously a great sister/auntie and you definitely don't deserve this estrangement when all you did was step up as a human being in a very stressful time.
Good luck with your treatment OP

I really would send her a factual letter.
Saying you respect her wish not to be in contact but she needs to know your diagnosis. It would be awful to learn after your death with no opportunity to say goodbye, if she doesn't want to see you that is her concern.
I would also leave the money you want to leave to the niece and nephew in a trust. Then leave anything else to charity.
I would also allow the teens to see you if they want, they are teens not children now.

OP are you very sure that your sister and her husband are still together? Is there any chance that they have split up and that she's simply been too embarrassed/ashamed of her behaviour to contact you?

I would tell her.

Say that of course it is her choice and you understand she may prefer to remain unreconciled, but you want to give her that choice and not remove the option by keeping the diagnosis from her.

Say you hope she is happy and the children flourishing.

That you hope she realises you aren't being manipulative but don't want her to think you are angry or don't care about her because you won't be able to tell her any more.

She needs to know, and you need to have told her.

@AGlinnerOfHope has also nailed it. This is huge. All being well, you will get through this and have many decades yet to come. But it’s too big and serious not to share.

There is also the possibility that OP’s sister has cancer - it occurs more commonly in twins.

Thinking of you @Jennyjennybean ... Is your head any clearer/ have you decided whether to make contact?