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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner abandoned me on night out

114 replies

Hanz1985 · 27/06/2024 19:01

My partner (45) and I (37) were out with a few friends at the weekend…in a bar with good music, we were enjoying ourselves, then the attention turned to a group of women sat on another table, my partner said he thought it was the sister of some social media guy he sees online ( I don’t actually know who they are) so I was like, ‘ah cool’ kind of thing. But then he gets excited and said he’s going over chatting to them and I asked why, he said he just is and put his drink down, got up to go over, I said don’t go please, you don’t really need to? Like in my head they’d probably think he was chatting them up, he comes across flirty at times and I’d feel embarrassed. He went anyway. When he got back I asked what was said etc after a few minutes at their table but couldn’t get much sense, he was drunk then he went outside to talk to one of his mates, they were talking about me clearly. I went outside and asked is everything ok, my partner went in and left me with his mate, or so I thought. We spoke for a few minutes, I just said obviously I think he’s upset with me because I asked him if he’d not go over etc but sure everything would be fine. Got inside and he wasn’t there, assumed he’d gone to the toilet, we all carried on with our night. After 10 minutes I asked our friends had they any idea where he was as he’d been a while. His mate from earlier said yeah he’s had a text saying he’d gone home. I thought he was joking at first. But no, he’d phoned another one of his friends to pick him up and left me. I got really upset tbh, one that he’d left me and 2 our friends knew what was happening and didn’t tell me. We had to walk for a taxi. They were all being off with me and I asked if they think he should have left me and they could have told me? This didn’t go down too well and his friend turned on me and called me a dickhead and a few other choice words. We got back and my partner was locked out so had to go to our friends and get our house keys from there where they all laid into me and told me I’d ruined the night and I’m a prick etc, my partner didn’t stick up for me when his mate was calling me these names and neither did his wife. I did get a bit upset and started crying. They told me to get out, honestly I’ve never felt as alone in all my life. I’d had a drink yeah and maybe a small bit of jealousy came out but what followed in my eyes was a complete overreaction, I’m confused about our future and not sure if it’s all my fault like I’m made to believe 🥲

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 27/06/2024 19:09

I'm not sure what's going on OP. Did your partner go home and leave you? But you had no keys? So your partner couldn't get into the house.

You went to a friend's to get keys? Then all your friends started calling you names. Then they kicked you out.

I'm a bit confused. Why were they calling you names?

What did your partner say about all this when you spoke to him? Why did he leave without you?

Casdentwo · 27/06/2024 19:10

Time to rethink your relationship. No one deserves that treatment , has he done this before?

Chrispackhamspoodle · 27/06/2024 19:12

Op if everyone was upset with you and your partner felt he had to leave without you is there any chance your acknowledged jealousy and few drinks actually DID ruin others night?

nobodysdaughter · 27/06/2024 19:12

Madness, you need better friends, a better boyfriend and a better social life!

BIWI · 27/06/2024 19:13

... and to grow up, I think.

violetposie · 27/06/2024 19:15

In usual circumstances I'd find it weird if my husband left me to talk to a group of women on a night out, but it sounds as though he was clear that he wasn't going to chat them up. You might have thought you were hiding your irritation better than you actually were and the friends felt awkward.

Asking the friends what they think about the situation also puts them in an uncomfortable situation as you're dragging them into your argument.

Your partner was wrong to leave you, especially without letting you know, it's hurtful. The friends are wrong for calling you names.

It all sounds very dramatic!

kiwiane · 27/06/2024 19:15

You can do so much better!

Mrsttcno1 · 27/06/2024 19:16

Chrispackhamspoodle · 27/06/2024 19:12

Op if everyone was upset with you and your partner felt he had to leave without you is there any chance your acknowledged jealousy and few drinks actually DID ruin others night?

Edited

This.

I think after a few drinks we can think we’re behaving quite reasonably and actually it isn’t that reasonable. If my partner was trying to stop me going to speak to somebody in a pub then I’d not be very happy and instead of starting an argument when we are out with friends I could definitely see where I would just head home on my own rather than cause a scene.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 27/06/2024 19:18

I've been on a night out before where I've felt uncomfortable with the way a friends partner is behaving. I would absolutely never do any of the things that they did. I don't know if your partner was right or wrong really as I don't know how upset your behaviour might have made him and he didn't leave you alone, but a conversation would obviously have been a better choice on his part.

Original poster
Hanz1985 · 27/06/2024 19:19

Sorry, so my partner left me, I headed back in the taxi with the friends he’d left me with, which are his friends really and wives who I get on well with. My partner was outside our friends home, he’d left the keys there earlier before we’d gone out so he couldn’t get in. Then we’d gone in to talk about things which turned sour and we both walked from there, we live a few minutes away.
So I don’t think everyone was upset with me, just his friend and wife because I did ask why they knew he’d gone and couldn’t tell me, so he started calling me names in the taxi and then it continued when we got back. Perhaps I did ruin others night, I didn’t think anyone was aware that I’d asked him not to go over to their table though so I guess it could have ended there.

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 27/06/2024 19:28

Hanz1985 · 27/06/2024 19:19

Sorry, so my partner left me, I headed back in the taxi with the friends he’d left me with, which are his friends really and wives who I get on well with. My partner was outside our friends home, he’d left the keys there earlier before we’d gone out so he couldn’t get in. Then we’d gone in to talk about things which turned sour and we both walked from there, we live a few minutes away.
So I don’t think everyone was upset with me, just his friend and wife because I did ask why they knew he’d gone and couldn’t tell me, so he started calling me names in the taxi and then it continued when we got back. Perhaps I did ruin others night, I didn’t think anyone was aware that I’d asked him not to go over to their table though so I guess it could have ended there.

I see! So this friend was calling you names because you asked why he didn't tell you your partner left.

What's happened since? Has your partner apologised? What did he say about the name calling? Why did he leave, was it because you got jealous? In what way were you jealous?

Without knowing the details. Name calling is not ok. The friend either apologises or he's no longer a friend. Partner needs to apologise for leaving you, that's not ok. Partner needs to tell friend that his behaviour was out of order. If you were behaving badly due to booze/jealousy, then apologise for that and cut down drinking if you can't handle it.

That's my 2p.

swimsong · 27/06/2024 19:29

'Dickhead' and 'prick' are in my experience insults directed at men not women.
Also I don't really undertand the keys issue. Don't you both have keys? Why leave one set at friend's house before going out? Was that deliberate?

Anyway - sorry you felt deserted, alone - and insulted by his friends to boot.
This happened last weekend - have you talked it over with partner since?

pikkumyy77 · 27/06/2024 19:33

Neither of you can handle drink and your bf is an asshole. That’s the long and short of it. I would dump him if I were you.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/06/2024 19:34

I don't understand why your partner's mate and his wife were verbally abusing you?
From what you've said, you were a bit annoyed that your husband went briefly to talk to the group of women, then he came back and seemingly everything was fine. But then he left, without telling you but telling his friends. Who didn't tell you.
It sounds like a load of shite that would be daft if it was involving teenagers! He needs to piss off permanently and so do his friends. Unless there's part of the story you've not told where you were acting really rudely to them all?

Original poster
Hanz1985 · 27/06/2024 19:38

Casdentwo · 27/06/2024 19:10

Time to rethink your relationship. No one deserves that treatment , has he done this before?

Yeah similar things. This is why I’m asking, I don’t want to keep being the problem, sometimes I don’t realise how much I’m winding him up. I probably do come across as confrontational without meaning to, me asking them why they didn’t tell me was my way of looking for support and them to kind of say, look he shouldn’t have left you.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 27/06/2024 19:40

Why did you tell him who he can and can't talk to? You've both acted badly here really

cupcaske123 · 27/06/2024 19:40

What do you mean by how much you're winding him up? Does he often storm of? Lose his temper? What's going on there?

pikkumyy77 · 27/06/2024 19:42

“Winding him up” is not a real thing. Its what people with abusive tendencies say to excuse their bad behavior. In a healthy relationship you can say what you need to say without being accused of agitating your partner. He is responsible for keeping his cool—no one else. Same goes for you. If you need the support if his friends get out of the relationship. They can’t and won’t control him for you snd you should ‘nt expect them to.

Original poster
Hanz1985 · 27/06/2024 19:43

swimsong · 27/06/2024 19:29

'Dickhead' and 'prick' are in my experience insults directed at men not women.
Also I don't really undertand the keys issue. Don't you both have keys? Why leave one set at friend's house before going out? Was that deliberate?

Anyway - sorry you felt deserted, alone - and insulted by his friends to boot.
This happened last weekend - have you talked it over with partner since?

I know, they are strange insults really for a woman but that’s how he speaks I guess. We went round before we went out to get a taxi together and he must have left his keys there. I don’t think it was deliberate. I know, it’s pretty confusing…

He doesn’t really do talking, just kind of move on and forget about it I’m told

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 27/06/2024 19:44

Christ: dump him.

nobodysdaughter · 27/06/2024 19:45

@BIWI quite.

MILTOBE · 27/06/2024 19:46

Oh god, that was such a depressing read. Come on, OP, this is your one precious life. Don't waste it with him and his idiot friends.

DeliciousApples · 27/06/2024 19:47

Has this kind of thing happened before?

Do you get jealous as soon as he even looks at a woman or something and there's a back story and that's why he was so upset because he thought here we go again?

What exactly did they say you were being a prick about?

Or is he the one who is a prick pure and simple because he was indeed chatting them up and you were spoiling his fun.

Olika · 27/06/2024 20:03

It's Thursday now and you say you went out at the weekend. Haven't you spoken with your partner by now?

violetposie · 27/06/2024 20:05

BobbyBiscuits · 27/06/2024 19:34

I don't understand why your partner's mate and his wife were verbally abusing you?
From what you've said, you were a bit annoyed that your husband went briefly to talk to the group of women, then he came back and seemingly everything was fine. But then he left, without telling you but telling his friends. Who didn't tell you.
It sounds like a load of shite that would be daft if it was involving teenagers! He needs to piss off permanently and so do his friends. Unless there's part of the story you've not told where you were acting really rudely to them all?

Edited

I think they're annoyed because:

  • OP and her partner had an exchange where she told him she didn't want him to speak to someone and he did it anyway (tense?)
  • OP's partner went outside to talk to his friend, and OP went out (interrupted?). When her partner left OP spoke to the friend about the drama with her partner (I'm assuming they were there for a good time, rather than this storm in a teacup)
  • OP's partner left only telling them (puts them in an awkward position)
  • OP gets upset when they tell her he's gone, and is upset that they didn't tell her (further dragged in to the mess)
  • OP asks them what they think about her partners actions (further involvement)
  • the friends have to leave the night out to go home because OP and her partner have left their keys there and are locked out of their own home (not the best way to end a night out is it?)
  • when the friends get to their home, OP and her partner continue to discuss it (why not just go home and deal with it without an audience?!)

So, although they were definitely wrong to call OP names and be nasty, their night has been ruined by what they've been dragged into, and that's understandably frustrating!