Partner abandoned me on night out

[Hanz1985]

My partner (45) and I (37) were out with a few friends at the weekend…in a bar with good music, we were enjoying ourselves, then the attention turned to a group of women sat on another table, my partner said he thought it was the sister of some social media guy he sees online ( I don’t actually know who they are) so I was like, ‘ah cool’ kind of thing. But then he gets excited and said he’s going over chatting to them and I asked why, he said he just is and put his drink down, got up to go over, I said don’t go please, you don’t really need to? Like in my head they’d probably think he was chatting them up, he comes across flirty at times and I’d feel embarrassed. He went anyway. When he got back I asked what was said etc after a few minutes at their table but couldn’t get much sense, he was drunk then he went outside to talk to one of his mates, they were talking about me clearly. I went outside and asked is everything ok, my partner went in and left me with his mate, or so I thought. We spoke for a few minutes, I just said obviously I think he’s upset with me because I asked him if he’d not go over etc but sure everything would be fine. Got inside and he wasn’t there, assumed he’d gone to the toilet, we all carried on with our night. After 10 minutes I asked our friends had they any idea where he was as he’d been a while. His mate from earlier said yeah he’s had a text saying he’d gone home. I thought he was joking at first. But no, he’d phoned another one of his friends to pick him up and left me. I got really upset tbh, one that he’d left me and 2 our friends knew what was happening and didn’t tell me. We had to walk for a taxi. They were all being off with me and I asked if they think he should have left me and they could have told me? This didn’t go down too well and his friend turned on me and called me a dickhead and a few other choice words. We got back and my partner was locked out so had to go to our friends and get our house keys from there where they all laid into me and told me I’d ruined the night and I’m a prick etc, my partner didn’t stick up for me when his mate was calling me these names and neither did his wife. I did get a bit upset and started crying. They told me to get out, honestly I’ve never felt as alone in all my life. I’d had a drink yeah and maybe a small bit of jealousy came out but what followed in my eyes was a complete overreaction, I’m confused about our future and not sure if it’s all my fault like I’m made to believe 🥲

Walk away from them all OP.

Name calling for me is a deal breaker. I'd cut my losses and dump my bf and his mates. They all sound awful.

I get why you'd not have wanted him to talk to a table full of women, it does seem an odd thing to do. I guess it depends how vocal you were in the group about that, confrontation between two people in a group can make others feel uncomfortable, then to follow him outside to continue the conversation seems overkill. I'd have left it until you were both home and sober.

But that's still no excuse for him calling you names, leaving you on a night out and his mates having a go at you.

Damned right. Fuck them ALL off @Hanz1985

It’s not your fault Op, he sounds abusive and from what you’ve said you attract /tolerate abusive people because how are you getting called names frequently? That is not normal for any adult to experience from other adults on a regular basis.

Whether you annoyed his friends or not they should not have called you a dickhead etc.they have zero respect for you and you should do well to remember they are his friends and their partners. Not your friends. So don’t expect much from them. And he is out of order for just leaving you. Again he has no respect for you.

Better still get out of this relationship and spend time with real friends!

No need to apologise to that rude poster. Ignore.

FFS could people stop saying this sounds like teenagers on a night out. Abusive men are abusive at any age. They tend not to grow out if it. And to continually denigrate the OP’s experience as teenage drama is so undermining.

Don't tolerate being called names ever. You should end it because of that.
Did you actually grill him about what he said to the girls, and maybe have a go at him for going over although you asked him not to? You seemed to gloss over that bit, but it would seem logical that something you said prompted him to leave.
By the friends comments, you didn't carry on having a good night, but got upset and perhaps prompted them to leave earlier, seeing as they seemed to think you ruined the night, or they think that you had a go at him, which made him leave, thus ruining the night.

Just because he knows some guy on social media (so in fact doesn't really know him at all) thinks he spots sm guys sister & a table full of other women fucks off to talk to them when you've asked him not to.
Yeah I'd kick off as well and when his mate started his shit, the name calling ect... I'd go off on one with him too!
Don't put up with their abusive shit Op.

He's not nice. His friends are not nice. Get rid and find somebody nicer.

Honestly, no I didn’t grill him, I didn’t want a scene because he does have a temper so literally just asked what they said. Couldn’t get what he said so left it there. To be honest, the bar was closing shortly anyway, think everyone was ready to head home as we’d been out for a while but of course, I was upset he’d left me, not kicking off upset, just teary I guess.

At the root of all this, it sounds like you don’t trust your partner as you didn’t want him to go and speak to those women. If there’s underlying insecurity and jealousy in play, add alcohol into the mix and the result is often going to be catastrophic.

It also sounds like your partner “deals” with things by avoiding them and not talking about them - is the relationship at all secure, comforting and fulfilling? You may also be a little confrontational/direct (sticking up for friend’s wife; holding people to account about why they didn’t tell you things). But the friend(s) sound rude and dysfunctional too.

It all sounds like something out of a soap where people row and fall out all the time. Terrible and exhausting.

What are the reasons to stay in the relationship and friendship group?

EVER…..?

Why ever not? No one controls anyone else, whatever the relationship.

I’m not sure on that, sometimes it’s jealousy and insecurity and nothing to do with trust, ie it’s not about him, it’s about her. Similar when folks say trust your gut, we all know people have mental health issues that make the last thing they should do is trust their gut.

however in this instance, I don’t think it’s about trust, I think the op is right to be insecure as it is very clear he is treating her terribly and just not that into her, which is likely causing much of her insecurity and jealousy. So not a trust issue, more she knows she’s more into him than he is her.

Yeah it’s a trust thing really, he’s done a few things to make question if I can trust him, so guess the making a point of walking over to a table of women triggered me into asking him not to. Not telling him or trying to control him, just asked if he wouldn’t out of respect for me. Never had an issue with him talking to women at the pub at all, just people are aware of what’s gone on and I didn’t want to look like a fool really.

From your account it sounds like they were all being very unreasonable and over-reacting. However, I'd be very interested to hear their side of the story! It just seems odd that three (or more?) people are all accusing you of ruining a night out. If it was only one person it would be more credible.
However, if it's as you've told it then no, you weren't being unreasonable and they were.

They didn’t actually accuse me of ruining their night out, think that’s reading between the lines! I got upset that I’d been left by my partner and then I was verbally abused on the way home and given the cold shoulder.

It was one person verbally abusing me, his wife watched on and said nothing, so guess she may as well have been. My partner calls me names regularly anyway, I’ve managed to get through 32 years and 2 long term relationships before him without being called names and sworn and shouted at, I haven’t lived a sheltered life either which is why it seems off to me. It may be where I came from, I only moved to the area 4 years ago to be with him. My dad told me he’d never in a million years let anyone speak to his wife badly in front of him, he would always back them even if he didn’t necessarily agree with her, he’d never call her names either. He’s in his 60’s though so old school, perhaps I am over sensitive.

He's obviously not treating you very well OP. I'm not sure how much you can blame your friend's wife if she's in an abusive relationship. Though I'm sorry to hear that no one stuck up for you.

Your dad isn't 'old school', most men don't call their partners names, have temper tantrums and storm off.

My partner would never call me names, or stand back and let someone else call me names. He wouldn't leave me on a night out either. He's a gentleman and even if we had an argument he just wouldn't leave me like that. You deserve better OP. My ex loved a good sulk and storm off. It is humiliating and an indication of a wider problem and no respect/concern for you.

So he thought he saw the sister of some social media guy he sees online, and he had to go over and talk to her? 🤔 Now, I would be creeped out if some guy came up to me for a chat for that stalkery sounding excuse. He didn’t like the fact you questioned his motives and threw a subsequent strop.

Anyway, he is an immature loser, and so are his friends. I hope you leave this toxic set up.

And I have just noticed you said this “My partner calls me names regularly” 🙁

Seriously, this is toxic and abusive. Leave!!

The going to see the ‘sister of a YouTuber’ was weird.
The ‘coming across as flirting’ tells you all about how he is. He has no issues with flirting with other women, even in front of you. I’m not sure why you are embarrassed. You should be angry.

He left the group to make a point and ended up on his arse as he had no keys with him. Drunk people do stupid things I supposed 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

The friend isn’t much better. Swearing at people because they’ve been asked to explain themselves is crap to say the least. Certainly not the behavipour of a mature adult tbh.

This is why I’m asking, I don’t want to keep being the problem, sometimes I don’t realise how much I’m winding him up.
Youre not the problem. But this man is managing to slowly erode your self esteem and your boundaries. He is making you wonder if you’re not the problem when actually

1. he is flirty and chats up other women, right in front of you
2. He swears at you
3. doesnt have your back

Your father is NOT old school.
He is a normal decent man.
Your boyfriend and his mate are scum.

It is nor normal to call your partner names.
Pack your bags and go stay with your dad.
You have a life of misery ahead of you if you stay with a moron who goes chasing other women in front of you.

You have WASTED 4 YEARS on him.
Enough already.

It sounds like you all drink too much.

Christ. You reason like a teenager. Your bf is absolute crap! And his friends. Why would you stay with this drunk with angry tendencies?

His behaviour in the pub makes me think of an excitable and not very bright dog rushing off to hump the legs of a table full of women.

Do not accept shitty treatment, name calling, and anger in the relationship. Move away and try again. Be less submissive. Demand more respect.

OP, this relationship sounds awful and you can do so much better.

Your boyfriend going over to talk to a bunch of women because he thought one of them was the 'sister of some guy on social media' is such cringeworthy behaviour. No group of women wants some random man interrupting their girls' night out, and also he's 45 years old, so should be long past a point in his life where he's excited by the sister of an influencer (or even an actual influencer, frankly). I can absolutely see why you didn't want him to go over, apart from anything else, it's just plain embarrassing to be out with someone who goes over to a group of people who almost certainly just wanted to be left alone to enjoy their night.

Him storming off home without saying was incredibly twattish, and also humiliating - he essentially ditched you in front of your friends and left you feeling like an idiot, and then his awful friends blamed YOU for your awful boyfriend's grim behaviour. And yes, of course they should have bloody told you that he'd gone home; it was shitty of them not to say anything.

I cannot imagine why on earth you would want to stay with this man. He's a childish, embarrassing drama queen who treats you like shit and has horrible friends. You do not 'wind him up' - I definitely do think some people wind their partners up with their behaviour, but from what you've said here, you are absolutely not one of them. You did absolutely nothing wrong at any point, by the sound of it. Your boyfriend is a prick and seriously, you can do a million times better than this absolute tool.