Partner abandoned me on night out

[Hanz1985]

My partner (45) and I (37) were out with a few friends at the weekend…in a bar with good music, we were enjoying ourselves, then the attention turned to a group of women sat on another table, my partner said he thought it was the sister of some social media guy he sees online ( I don’t actually know who they are) so I was like, ‘ah cool’ kind of thing. But then he gets excited and said he’s going over chatting to them and I asked why, he said he just is and put his drink down, got up to go over, I said don’t go please, you don’t really need to? Like in my head they’d probably think he was chatting them up, he comes across flirty at times and I’d feel embarrassed. He went anyway. When he got back I asked what was said etc after a few minutes at their table but couldn’t get much sense, he was drunk then he went outside to talk to one of his mates, they were talking about me clearly. I went outside and asked is everything ok, my partner went in and left me with his mate, or so I thought. We spoke for a few minutes, I just said obviously I think he’s upset with me because I asked him if he’d not go over etc but sure everything would be fine. Got inside and he wasn’t there, assumed he’d gone to the toilet, we all carried on with our night. After 10 minutes I asked our friends had they any idea where he was as he’d been a while. His mate from earlier said yeah he’s had a text saying he’d gone home. I thought he was joking at first. But no, he’d phoned another one of his friends to pick him up and left me. I got really upset tbh, one that he’d left me and 2 our friends knew what was happening and didn’t tell me. We had to walk for a taxi. They were all being off with me and I asked if they think he should have left me and they could have told me? This didn’t go down too well and his friend turned on me and called me a dickhead and a few other choice words. We got back and my partner was locked out so had to go to our friends and get our house keys from there where they all laid into me and told me I’d ruined the night and I’m a prick etc, my partner didn’t stick up for me when his mate was calling me these names and neither did his wife. I did get a bit upset and started crying. They told me to get out, honestly I’ve never felt as alone in all my life. I’d had a drink yeah and maybe a small bit of jealousy came out but what followed in my eyes was a complete overreaction, I’m confused about our future and not sure if it’s all my fault like I’m made to believe 🥲

Oh, do stroll on. The problem here isn't a bunch of people going out for a drink. It's the fact that the boyfriend is a prick. I guarantee you he's a prick when he's not drinking as well.

Lots of people go out on the lash with their partners and friends and don't end up being verbally abused.

He's a prick, with prick friends....THAT'S the issue.

No, your dad isn't 'old school', he's just a decent human being. You should listen to him.

Your boyfriend is a complete cunt.

Calling you names? Shouting and swearing at you? Why the hell are you with this man??? Why on earth would you think this is normal or OK?

Please, please wake up and stop being so passive. You're a grown woman, not a doormat. You aren't being 'over-sensitive' or 'winding him up', and if your boyfriend is suggesting that you are, then he's gaslighting the shit out of you. He's abusive, OP. Please leave him. None of this is remotely normal or OK or acceptable. You absolutely must leave him.

No you're not over sensitive. No-one should be called names and abused like this. You can't talk to him, he won't discuss things and you're concerned he'll get angry? This is no basis for a relationship.
Leave as soon as you can and find better friends who treat you well!

@Hanz1985

My dad told me he’d never in a million years let anyone speak to his wife badly in front of him, he would always back them even if he didn’t necessarily agree with her, he’d never call her names either. He’s in his 60’s though so old school, perhaps I am over sensitive.

Your father has good manners and support for his partner in public, whatever he might inwardly feel, handling anything emotional or negative in private. It's not just because he's in his 60's or old school - younger men can be the same. What a shame your partner is not more like your father.

If, as it sounds, your partner treats you unkindly, gaslights or has cheated in any way, you should consider what he actually contributes to your life now and in the future. If you don't already have children with him I'd reconsider any possibility of that with him - he's shown you how he really is and that would get worse once the natural stresses and demands of having children was added.

It sounds as though you need to work on your own self worth/self esteem. Perhaps consider some personal 1:1 therapy for yourself and make more positive plans for your own future, without him. 🌹

Ok but in your first post you typed: "We got back and my partner was locked out so had to go to our friends and get our house keys from there where they all laid into me and told me I’d ruined the night and I’m a prick etc," saying that they all laid in to you and said you'd ruined the night.
Anyway, sounds like a horrible end to an evening.

Op the way this is written you did three things

you gently asked him not to speak to thr women.
you gently asked if everything was ok.
you asked if they thought leaving you was ok,

on this your partner left without telling you, the male friend started hurling insults at you, you were thrown out their house,

so there is two possibilities

either they are all batshit crazy. Or you did way more than you’re letting on.

Sorry I quoted the wrong post above. I was supposed to be quoting your response to me when you said only one person said you'd ruined the night - when you originally said they'd all said it.

From your updates OP it sounds like you’re feeling insecure with good reason - your boyfriend treats you badly and you don’t feel heard, respected, prioritised or valued. It seems like this is taking a toll on your confidence. Your boyfriend’s mate also sounds horrible and doesn’t respect you much, which means the people he hangs out with are cut from the same cloth/taking their cues from him.

If your boyfriend makes you feel like he doesn’t respect you, then you have your answer there. He won’t change, things won’t improve. You’ll just get more and more miserable and needy, and doubt yourself more and more.

I know it’s much easier said than done, but you’d be better off out of this relationship. I’m sure a lot of us have been in situations where wish we’d seen things for what they are earlier, and walked away with our heads held high! If you can manage to do that you’d be more decisive woman than me. Took me 5 years to extricate myself from a bad relationship last time!

I did say all, should have said both. My partner did say I’d ruined it later on so yeah I assume that’s what the fuss was about. His friends sister was there earlier on and she doesn’t like me, so this where the ‘all’ comes in. It’s confusing to me too to be honest.

When I said the friend laid into his wife a few weeks back, I took her home from the pub because I wasn’t drinking, she wanted to leave because she was upset so I dropped her off and made sure she’d got in ok.

When I got back to the pub, I couldn’t see my partner so I asked his friends and they said they didn’t know where he was. As went towards the toilets, he came out of the women’s. I asked what was going on and she (his friends sister) came out just after and started asking what my problem was, I said I just wanted to know why he’d been in the ladies (yes confrontational again I know), she said she doesn’t know, ask him why he followed her. He said the landlady told him to get everyone out (they’re friends and it was last orders) .

I was called a bitch etc by her, honestly writing this out I realise how mental it all sounds. But there’s a backstory and doesn’t have context to my original post I guess. I could write a book, but these things keep happening including me being spiked at our home. I needed to know if I’m the one causing problems with the way I am.

Thanks for all the replies

I'm sorry OP. It sounds like a horrible dynamic in this group. A woman who doesn't like you, your partner's friend who upset you and then his wife on another night. Your partner being a bit flirty then flying off the handle. I'd honestly feel like not going out with any of them again!

@violetposie Sorry, just saw this.
Yeah, your right on those fronts.
The fact the pair of them were rowing and losing keys and dragging the others into it would've annoyed the friends no doubt.

Writing that all down and you still think you are problem? You really need counselling and new friends. And I would fuck this twat off too.
and just to reiterate YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM these cokehead fuckwits are.

You were spiked at home? What happened there?

OP you seem to be surrounded by really nasty people and you come across as quite gentle. Are these aggressive people your bf friends? He seems to have a habit of standing by while people call you names, as well as calling you names himself. It's completely unacceptable OP.

I think you already know the answer to all this and know that you're unhappy and this relationship has to end.

Have people said if you are abusive when drunk? We only have your point of view .
Maybe he had enough of this and left.

Op sounds confrontational too.

@Hanz1985

My partner calls me names regularly anyway

Why do you tolerate it?

It sounds like you have accepted him doing this, so in his mind, why would be stop. He knows it's not a dealbreaker for you. The question is why?

People treat you how you let them.

No one’s ever said that to me, I’m not an abusive drunk. I don’t drink a lot.

I don’t tolerate it, I always stick up for myself and ask not to be spoken to in that way, that’s why it escalates in my opinion. I think I’m expected to put up and shut up.

Have you any idea what you want to do going forward? Do you think it's likely your bf is going to stop calling you names, stop losing his temper and leaving you, start sticking up for you and start treating you with respect?

We had a get together, I started feeling really unwell, managed to tell my partner then lay on the bed half out of it for a few hours. Another girl was the same but worse than me, they rang her an ambulance, the hospital said she’d been spiked. There were quite a few of us, partners friends and wives. I got the blame from his friends saying I’d given everyone carbon monoxide poisoning from putting logs on the lit chimnea we had outside, even thought the hospital said it was a spiked drink.

I don’t think it will get any better to be honest, he’s acknowledged he shouldn’t have left me and how attacked I felt but said I can fight my own battles so I don’t know.

Bloody hell

you need to get as far away from that lot as possible, they sound worse with each update you post!

Your partner is surely supposed to be your back up, the one you can trust and depend on and I think when you see it black and white he clearly isn't that for you. I look back on my 10yr relationship with my ex and wish I seen it more b&w for what it was.

Hope you get some clarity and move forward

Telling you to fight your own battles isn't good enough. He should want to protect you and he should want his friends to respect you. That's part of a loving relationship. I'm sorry you're going through this OP.