Is there another way to do this without separating?

[GetOutOfJailFree]

Long marriage, happy for many years but which I think is now foundering - kids on verge of leaving and looking at the future and thinking I can't keep doing this.....
Bad bits: he's disorganised, forgetful, messy, lives very much in his own head and to his own agenda unless endlessly nagged to do otherwise - I'm really resentful of doing all the thinking/planning and most of the shit work
Good bits: he's generous, affectionate, we share the same values and find eachother interesting and entertaining to talk to, good co-parents mostly, he loves me and I love him (when not enraged).
He gets the issue and is really trying to sort his shit out but I suspect not much will change and I don't want to make him miserable trying to be someone he's not to meet my needs.
Things need to change as I don't want to live like this for the next 30 years, but I feel so so sad about thought of divorce....
Is there a way to sort of 'uncouple' but not go for full separation? Would love a scenario where we are close, spend time together us two and as a family but domestically and probably financially separate.
Am I dreaming or has anyone done something like this and did it work?

So sorry to hear you are going through this, it's really strange as I just came on here to post about a similar scenario (though we aren't married and our kids are younger.) but just like you say, I don't want to nag him to be someone he's not 😢.

For us it's finances - he's self employed but won't look at whether the business is working or viable, we still love each other but it's a recurring problem and we've spent all our savings now.
I hope someone has some helpful advice.

Hmmm, the way ypu describe things it seems to me that finding a compromise is a better solution.

You love each other and overall he is a good man I understand - hard to find nowadays. Maybe focus on the good, try to compromise on the bad and do some marriage counseling. He should also compromise on the negatives that you have. None is perfect.

Of course it can be done ... get two homes near each other. If not possible then at least get separate bedrooms and/or a private sitting room each.

Look a the actual amount of time you are spending on doing all the "stuff" does it really add up to more than a couple of hours a week ... or does he let you do it then complain it's done wrong ... different scenario.

Also, if you put this in motion your H mayfind out that he likes not being nagged for being himself, and may quickly be found by someone else who appreciates him!

Sorry to hear you're struggling too 😔 - it's so hard when you still really care about eachother but the issues seem impossible to get past.

Dh I know feels really sad about letting me down and would be devastated if we did end up splitting - but don't think he can significantly change who he is and how he functions.

We were really young when we got together and none of this stuff seemed very important but have grown in different directions and now those differences have a much bigger impact....

Sorry that one was to treesnbirds

We have done some marriage counselling which was great for communicating better but didn't shift much else. I agree compromise is the answer and we have talked over and over about strategies for this but they just seem to dissolve in the face of day to day life - we both work full time and although kids nearly grown they have some additional stuff needing support plus elderly parents seems to mean there's still tons of shit work to be done and despite promises, lists, alarms etc etc he just doesn't stick to anything and then I either nag (to which he understandably feels fucked off by) or I mop up the mess and boil inside.....

Is he neurotypical? He reminds me of my two ADHD sons.

Yes my first thought was Executive Function issues.

One of the DC diagnosed with ADHD and I suspect him too - we've talked about it but he's not interested in doing anything about that at the moment

I try to use and encourage him to use the same techniques that have helped DC but he wants to find his own way and hates other people imposing their solutions on him - leads to him shutting down now if I push it so I don't

But in the scenario you describe, would you be romantically together? In a physical relationship?
if not, surely one of you might want to get together with someone else?

if so, then I think this is known as living apart together isn’t it?

I don't know re romantically together, have felt so resentful in the last few years that romance feels pretty compromised! Do have sex but not often because of this - I do still find him attractive though when we're away from the daily grind so think if we could live in a way that didn't mean I was constantly pissed off then that side of things would probably revive....

I also thought ADHD and when you said he hates other people's solutions being pushed on him it kind of confirmed it for me. I am sure I have adhd and putting pressure on me makes me want to scream. I'm beating myself up and feeling guilty enough about what isn't getting done.

Would it be easier for you to tolerate if he did have a diagnosis and you know he can't help it? Why do you think you are finding it hard to tolerate now when you have for years, at arguably harder times like when DC were small? Is he getting worse or have you changed? I feel so angry I feel I hate my DH at times and it's primarily hormonal, but also I'm just too tired and busy to put up with shit. Or I'm tired now in a way I wasn't when younger. I'm on hrt but that's its own story.

Dear OP - please give yourself a metaphorical kick up the arse, and stop using the word 'nag' or 'nagging'. You will feel far better if you don't label it that way.

Ha! Thanks leverrarch you're right, nag is a terrible word....

Google inattentive adhd.

Can you afford a house each or a house with an annexe? He lives in his house you in yours. You can socialise in your house and then you rarely have to look at his house

What sort of stuff is causing the issue with you both? Housework etc? Help with the kids?

What are his strengths?

If it's around practical stuff could you throw money at the situation- eg get a cleaner/ gardener? When the kids leave home or become independent then stuff involving them is less of an issue and any stuff relating solely to him he can either do or not?

I think a diagnosis would help a bit - I often think why can I be so kind to DC when they struggle with their stuff but not him....

When kids were younger it was hard but in a different way - life was so full on and we fell into me directing everything without realising. Also young kids make you step up to just keep the safe, fed etc whereas family/couple life now needs different skills and those he finds much harder
I've also run out of oestrogen and am just so burnt out by caring/doibg/thinking that I think I've just run out of rope....

Sorry slow with my replies!

It basically comes down to without me pushing all the time he just works, stays up til early hours fucking around on his phone/laptop and every meal/birthday/tax return/car mot/parents medical appointment/lawn needs mowing, etc comes as a total surprise each time.... He also leave a trail of mess in his wake which drives me demented
I can find ways round - paying people, organising and reminding to within an inch of my life but it makes me tired, sad and and angry and like no one is looking out for me

It may well be inattentive ADHD but still not sure I can live with it anymore

We maybe could manage a divided house of some sort but I'm wondering if this is just a soft landing for divorce? Does a relationship really work longer term if one of you reaches the point where you can't live together?

Can you drop a day at work and take on the household doer and manager role in that day off ?

or get a building/shed/chalet in the garden he can live in

the lack of ability to plan and do is exhausting to live with by the sound of it

Op do you feel a bit swizzed out of being married to a Real Grown Up?
My dh is awaiting the go ahead to try for a diagnosis at 42. He is on meds for depression as he hates how he is. . Which makes me feel fucking guilty for feeling so resentful!!

I am going to be really controversial and suggest a Surrendered Wife book. It changed my life (and for the better).

Yep that's exactly it! I feel trapped into being the only grown up and even though I'm very sure its not his fault I'm still feeling really worn down by it